I've been pretty vigilant since Gary died, seemingly always on the watch for things that might make me cry, things that might make me run, things that might make me look a right idiot in public.

I've become been pretty good at being normal on the outside if I do say so myself.…

I've heard it a thousand times "Sorry for your loss", "Sorry for your loss", "Sorry for your loss" God I've said it to a few myself...so why has it taken me so long to work it out, digest and absorb the words properly and now with meaning Sooo Sorry for your loss ...Duh well yes it was my loss and although the answer has been right in front of me the whole time, belatedly I think I truly  begin to understand and actually accept why others can't feel as I do, can't…

If Ive heard it once Ive heard it a hundred times since Gary died, different versions but all the same..."you need to stay strong for the kids" "you need to let the kids see you grieve" "you need to let the kids grieve" "you need to do it for the kids"  "you need to this, you need to that"

Well friggen hell I know what I need, I think I know what my kids need....I want my life back I want the man back, I want the father back that made me and the kids feel safe, the man that taught us…

Last weekend I put our lab outside (pretty much in my sleep) because she was whining. I woke hours later to find her vomitting and clearly unwell.

Closer investigation found she had found and eaten all my sons left over chocolate from easter.

Ive had pets all my life and know full well the dangers of…