cj's Page

cj,

Those are all avenues to look into.

500 acres is small potatoes now in farming. I rent our land to Charlie's cousin and his son. they farm close to 4000 acres. I don't live on the farm that I want to preserve. We had talked of building there some day. I live a mile from where Charlie grew up in a house that was built in 1874 (of course we've remodeled and added on). I grew up in the city, but I love the farm and don't want to leave. I will stay here as long as possible.

I would love to have you come visit.

As you know, I have no children. I have good family support (brother and sister and their spouses and kids) but no one lives within 700 miles. My mom is about 2 hours away. She is in good shape for 88, still drives, but the time is coming when we will need to make other arrangements. Since I am alone, I have asked her to move in for a few months this winter and try it out. It's not somethig I would have done if I hadn't lost Charlie, but now it is something I can do.

Charlie' s parents are both dead. He was estranged from his two sisters and therefore their children. I'm sorry about your daugther. I realize children are not always a blessing.

It has been a little more than 6 months since he passed. I am 66 and was in the middle of retiring when he had the accident that led to his death. I'm glad I sold my shop. I can't imagine being able to run it now, but I am at loose ends.

I will not lie to you I have been in and out of that dark place. I met a young man (too young for me) on another site. His wife died about the same time as Charlie and somehow over the last few months we have managed to keep each other alive. I'm not sure how we connected, but I might be gone if not for him.

I'm finally able to admit to myself that Charlie WANTS me to live. I always wanted to do what made him happy, so I am going to try to do it for him. I will not do anything to myself, but I have no desire to live for years and years without him.

I need to find something that I really want to do. I am becoming involved with organ donation and will try to do some other volunteering at some point. If I can get myself going on the park idea, I think it will be very beneficial.

I'm taking a big step tomorrow. I will fly with my mom to Dallas for a grand niece's wedding. I will be gone 3 or 4 nights - longer than I have been away from home since Charlie died. This is my security, but it has to start sometime. At any rate, I don't know what the wireless situation is there, so if you message me and don't hear back for a while, don't worry.

Thank you for caring. I hope you'll feel free to confide in me too.

Julie

cj,

There's a bg difference between farmland in Iowa and forest land in WA, but I think the principles are the same. I don't know how much you know about farming, but it is becoming big business. Land is very expensive here so when a farmer buys some he wants to use every inch. As a consequence, they usually destroy all the trees and try to fill in the creeks. They use lots of chemicals. There is no cover left for wildlife. Charlie was a farmer all his life (we were married in 1966) until 2000 when he became disabled and was placed on the waiting list for a lung transplant. We kept the land, but rented it out. We have about 500 acres. One farm that is about 120 acres still has two major creeks running through it surrounded by many trees and there is still some grassland. We never allowed hunting there and we had always wanted to preserve it. We were conservationists and hated modern day farming practices. I want to do something that will preserve the land and also honor Charlie - a park, a conservation area - I don't know yet. The rent I get is what I live on, but I think I can make the other acres "pay for" the 120. I'm just getting stated with ideas. It could take a while, but I want to get the legalities in place so that when I'm gone (which I hope is in the near future) it will be the way I want it. Thank you so much for being willing to share your information. It seems to me you have put a lot of thought into honoring your husband.For me, that is the only thing I can do that has even the slightest interest.

In many ways, the hospital took Charlie. I don't claim anything major was wrong with what they did, but I feel typical hospital procedures led to his death. I have a lot of guilt too. I have forgiven myself, and then somehow another aspect of it creeps in. You owe it to yourself and your love for your husband to go after it until you are satisfied you have done what you can. In the end, we can't win, because your husband and my Charlie  are still gone.

I'd like to hear how you get along.

Julie

Thanks, cj. I'll be interested to hear what you did.  Julie

Hi cj,

Oh cj, yes IPF is what was on her death certificate.  She died May 2011 - a little over 14 months.  She lived 4 1/2 years with the disease.  It was brought on by her mixing two cleaning agents while cleaning the shower, at least that is what we think although we could not convince the doctors.

It was the day before Thanksgiving and she was cleaning the shower.  That evening she got deathly ill and thought she had caught the flu.  On Thanksgiving day she stayed in bed and did not go to the doctor until Tuesday.  They said she had Pneumonia and the xray showed dark spots on her lungs.  They gave her oxygen to use when she was walking and massive doses of sterroids.  The pneumonia cleared up and in June my daughter had just finished her first year at UW Law School and so we went to Disneyland.  Before we left the doctor ordered her on oxygen when she walked.  The doctors were doing tests to see what was causing her disease, they still did not have a name for it or what was causing it.

We removed the carpet in the house, got rid of all our furniture and brought in leather furniture, replaced the curtins with wood blinds, gave away our down comforters and down jackets.  We even had a company come into the house and check for mold.  None of this helped.

The doctors were baffled as to what to give her because nothing helped.  Finally they sent her to the UW Medical Center and had her checked out by the expert on lung disease, that was about 6 months before she died.  He told her that they had done everything and that she was just going to die.  At that point she just gave up and did not go back to the doctor in Tacoma.

I was talking with a friend a few months ago and he said that when she mixed the two cleaning agents that one of the cleaners probably had ammonia and the fumes she breathed were like the mustard gas that was used in WWI.  Once it gets into the lungs it causes scarring and continues doing its damage until the lungs are so scarred that you can not get any oxygen into your system and die.

We tried telling the doctors at the beginning what she had done to make her get pneumonia but they seemed to not care or didn't believe us.  By the time that they wanted to do a biopsy on her lungs, they were so bad that they couldn't.

I am sorry cj for boring you with all the details.  We were married for 43 years, she was only 66 years old and I still go to her grave site and yell at her for mixing the cleaners.  If she haden't done that she would still be with me and we could enjoy retirement.  She died 6 months after I retired and we had so many plans.

(((BIG HUG cj))) I know what you went through.

Your friend,

Lee

P.S. I live a block from the fair grounds so if you ever decide to go to the fair let me know and you can have free parking.

oh, i see you are seeing a therapist.  im glad, sorry i responded before i saw your whole message.  take care. 

cj im so sorry that you are having such a hard time.  have you found some professional help?  you really need to talk to someone.  i have often had thoughts about wanting to be with jim but i know if i took my own life i would never see him again and i really really want to see him again.  please message me anytime you want to talk.  maybe if you got on here to talk to someone everyday it would help.  i know i tend to keep to myself and am quiet but i do find that i feel a little better when i force myself to get on here and interact, whether venting, talk about having a bad day or just to respond to others who are hurting.   they say its best to share and get it out.  i know its hard.    it does seem to get harder as we go along but we have to keep going.  i know your daughter would be devastated if anything happened to you.  hugs to you, i wish you peace and healing.  please find someone professional to talk to too.  take care. 

Hi cj:

Thank you for welcoming me.  Looks like I missed your birthday by about a week - Happy Birthday.  I hope the day was as good as it could be for you.  I've already had my first birthday without my husband.  I don't really remember it.  It was the day after Christmas.  The holidays are kind of a blur to me.  I just remember being so relieved when they were over.  Thanks also for responding to my post.  What you said comforted me.  I hope that I can also be a comfort to you at some point.

Thinking of you.

Lisa 

I see today is your birthday, cj. I understand how difficult these first special days can be without our dear husbands. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

Dianne