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10/8/68
I had meant to write this before C's bday, but never quite got it out.
For those who have cared for a loved one with a serious illness, there is no way you can forget that person's birthdate. I can't even begin to tally how many times I had to give his name and birthdate to the endless stream of nurses, doctors, PA's, LPNs, dieticians, respiratory therapists, priests/rabbis, physical therapists, transport staff, IR staff, social workers, secretaries, and likely even some cleaning staff, with whom we interacted over 3 yrs. Sometimes C was awake and lucid and able to give the details himself, but often it was up to me to provide the relevant data. It got to the point that even now, 6 months after his death, when asked my birthdate I have to hesitate and make sure I'm giving mine and not his. There is no way I will ever forget that date and there is no way that an October 8th will ever pass without me wishing that he were with me in the flesh. It was a priviledge to be with him during his illness and to see how his innate friendliness and genuine interest in other people never wavered even when he was feeling lousy or was having an unpleasant procedure. I still have a lot of guilt over what happened during his last week of life, but I hope that wherever he is now, C has forgiven me. I also hope that with time I can forgive myself.
C always promised me 50 years and we only got 8. That's some pretty lousy math. However excrutiating the pain is right now (and it is excrutiating), I know that I wouldn't trade those 8 yrs for the world, but I would trade the world for just 5 more minutes with him.
Comment
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Comment by Suz on October 21, 2012 at 11:34pm -
Telechick,
I do understand that feeling of "not being able to forgive myself." Jud suffered so much at the end and I wish I had demanded that something be done but, looking back, I was just trying to get through each minute the best I could. I had never been through someone dying...it was all a "first." I am feeling much better now and a lot of it is due to the support and kindness of the people here. I really hope you find that eases up for you, too...and I also always give Jud's Social Security number when asked for my own. Some things never change!
Hugs,
Suz
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Comment by telechick on October 21, 2012 at 5:29pm
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Dianne, true, it probably would make me wish for 5/10/a lifetime more minutes with him, but at least I'd get to say goodbye properly and make sure that he knew how much I love him. That's the closure I'm missing right now. He was sick for a long time, but his death was sudden and unexpected. Granted, there's never a right time for the death of one's spouse.
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Comment by Dianne in Nevada on October 21, 2012 at 12:26pm -
I so understand you, telechick. We had a long cancer battle and I still have trouble mixing up our social security #s. Your last words remind me of Diamond Rio's song "One More Day".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TuE1XJ_uqOs&list=PLF8D8E70E2AF0...
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Thank you all for the support and kind words. Intellectually, I know it wasn't my fault and that I didn't understand what was happening that last week - apparently neither did the doctors, with disastrous results, and that I loved him and supported him all I could but emotionally it's tougher not to play the woulda/shoulda/coulda game.
Ironically (?) while the hospital got his birthday correct, close to half of his charges were billed under my name and so I'm still fighting with them to get the insurance payments worked out.
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Comment by kshy on October 20, 2012 at 7:20pm -
I wish I could give you a big hug. Just seeing the title of your post, 10/8/68, I could feel the significance of this date...and how heavily it sits in your heart. Look at all that you went through together, look at the kind things you are continuing to say about him, in recognition of his birthday. Your love for him is so evident. I can't imagine that he would be feeling anything but compassion for you, and gratitude for everything you did for him. We do the best we can, so I hope you can forgive yourself, and have compassion for yourself as you try to weather your incredible loss.
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Comment by aussiewidow on October 20, 2012 at 7:15pm -
No romance...not now romance:)
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Comment by aussiewidow on October 20, 2012 at 7:14pm
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So true telechick about having your husband's birthdate burnt into your brain after all the staff checks before giving meds and blood etc.
For myself I don't think I can afford to want to trade the world with an if-only. We knew that John would die quickly and he was happy about that. He feared being frail and unable to do anything.
I am at the point where I can look back on happy memories and not cry.
I'm not there yet by any means but have started moving on in my life which is extremely important for my wellbeing.
I went to a singles group party last night with delicious Vietnamese food and may see someone from that at a band session in a couple of weeks but forgot to get his number. Now romance, just easy company.
Also went out on a guy's yacht on Friday afternoon which was fun. He's not for me but was living one of John's dreams by residing on a yacht. He also turned out to have the same birthdate as my husband - which really spooked me. Seemed too keen via his texts yesterday so I have had to explain my point of view.
Feel tired today. Meeting new people takes a lot of energy from a widow, I think, but the conversation has been a lot easier than I expected and I hope to make new friends to replace those friends and inlaws who have chosen to cut me out of their lives since John's death.
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Comment by janet on October 20, 2012 at 6:40pm -
((((telechick)))) It is not the amount of time you had with C but the quaulity of time you had with him. Be gentle with yourself.
It takes time to forgive yourself. It has taken me almost of year of Jim's passing to finally forgive myself for not checking on him a few seconds earlier or having the number to call for an ambulance in Belize. It is water under the bridge and I can't change it all I can do is accept it, keep his memories safe within my heart and know that I did the best I could at the time.
Wishing you Peace and Hope...
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