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Death anniversary  "UM NO THANX" I DONT WANT TO CELEBRATE A DAY I WISH NEVER HAPPENED.YOU KNOW WHAT DAY I WISH WOULD HAVE BEEN CELEBRATED BUT NO ONE ACKNOWLEDGED MY ANNIVERSARY OR I WISH I COULD HA…

Death anniversary  "UM NO THANX"

I DONT WANT TO CELEBRATE A DAY I WISH NEVER HAPPENED.YOU KNOW WHAT DAY I WISH WOULD HAVE BEEN CELEBRATED BUT NO ONE ACKNOWLEDGED MY ANNIVERSARY OR I WISH I COULD HAVE CELEBRATED VALENTINES DAY LIKE WE DID EVERY YEAR MY HUSBAND AND I. HE ALWAYS MADE IT SO SPECIAL.

Celebrating the day of the death of a loved one is like celebrating the day you lost a limb, or the ability to see, or the ability to talk.  Who ever wants a reminder of the worse day of their life??  Who wants to comemorate the day your life changed for the worse forever..... But it doesnt matter anyways for anyone who has had a huge loss of a loved one in their life like the loss of a spouse or child when their young or loss of a parent when your a child it wont matter if you decide to commemorate that day you loss them because that day and every day after is a reminder in itself weather you want to remember it or not.  You cant help it if the loss was so great its like a gapping hole in your living room the emptiness and piece missing is always around always their . just living life without them is a constant reminder because they were such a big part of evryday life.   Its been almost a year and the only thing i feel is greater loss because each passing moment of each day is time further from the last time i saw and was with and experience the touch and feel and sight of that person and it feels like each day i lose a little more because they are gone for one more day longer.   I cant tell you wat it feels like to lose a child and i cant tell you wat it feels like to lose a parent but i can tell you that losing a partner is the hardest most worse thing that has ever happened to me.  I miss him so much . i ferl sorry everyday for my kids for not only losing their father a great man but because they are forced be be with their heart broken miserable partial person who used to be their fathers wife "thier mom"  i hate it i hate it every day. I hate being a single mom i hate being the sole provider for our family i hate that i have the inability to enjoy anything presently in life i hate that people want to celebrate or commemorate a day that was the worse day of my life.like i dont already have constant reminders that my husband is dead. I hate having to go to every function by myself and i hate being around others and still feeling so alone i hate that i cry and hurt deep in my chest like i.m having a heart attach any time i think about the moment he left this world. I hate that he is not hear to fight with to laugh with to talk to to decide kids responsibilities. I hate it i hate it all.  I hate the celebration of this death anniversary you know ;  NO I DONT WANT CELEBRATE THIS DAY I WISH IT NEVER CAME I WISH IT WENT AWAY ; YOU KNOW WHAT I DID WANT TO CELEBRATE I WANTED TO CELEBRATE MY ANNIVERSARY IN WHICH I STAYED HOME NO ACKNOWLEDGE FROM ANYONE AND I CLEANED MY HOUSE AND FOUGHT WITH MY KIDS AS THEY COMPLAINED ABOUT BEING BORED OR HAVING TO DO A CHORE OR HOMEWORK OR TAKE A SHOWER OR I DONT LIKE WHAT YOU MADE FOR DINNER. THAT IS WHAT MY DAY WAS LIKE ON A DAY I WISH WAS CELEBRATED OR COMEMORATED BUT DEATH UH UU NO I DONT WANT TO CELEBRATE THAT I HATE THAT IT EVEN HAPPENED. YOU KNOW WHAT I WANTED TO CELEBRATE AND YOU KNOW WHO ALWAYS MADE MOTHERSDAY AND MY BIRTHDAY SPECIAL MY HUSBAND NOT ANYONE EXCEPT HIM HE DID HE ALWAYS MADE LIL THINGS SPECIAL AND COMEMORATED OUR LOVE AND TOGETHERNESS AND WE WERE SO HAPPY. WHY WHY DID THIS HAVE TO BE PART OF GODS PLAN. WAS OUR PLAN ODF BEING GOOD PARENTS AND RAISING OUR KIDS IN A LOVING AND HAPPY HOME NOT A GOOD ENOUGH PLAN FOR GOD. HOW COULD THAT NOT BE AND INSTEAD THIS A BROKEN FAMILY WITH A BARELY THERE BARELY KEEPING IT TOGETHER FINANCIAL LY MENTALLY EMOTIONALLY HOW COULD THIS HORRIBNLE THING BE PART OF GODS PLAN. WE WERE SO HAPPY HOW COULD THIS BE OK IN THE WORLD HOW COULD THIS NOW BE MY LIFE. ONE BIG DISSAPPOINTMENT AFTER THE NEXT ONE MORE THING TO CRUSH ME AND MY CHILDRENS WELL BEING. I.M NOT OKAY AND I.M NOT OKAY WITH CELEBRATING THE WORSE DAY OF MY LIFE.

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Comment by CryinCali on June 19, 2020 at 5:13am

soraya thank u for your words condolences and concern.  I am very sorry to hear of your loss .  how scary to think u have lost your partner to this horrible pandemic i.m sure it is even harder during this time of isolation as it is.  I hope u stay safe .my deepest sympathy

Comment by CryinCali on June 19, 2020 at 5:09am

Thank u linda i appreciate your kind words and your concern and the fact that you are so considerate and understanding of my feelings .... I truely do appreciate the validation of my feelings by u.  Thank u for reaching out and commenting it actually was comforting to hear from another person that i.m not alone in the pain i feel..... Sometimes my emotional cup gets so full and its hard now without a partner to vent alil everyday of the odds and ends of daily nuisances that nowadays when my emotion cup gets filled faster and spills over one day unexpectedly.    This covid pandemic and isolation and everything adding all up has just all gotten to be quite a bit for my kids and i and everyday the financial and emotional and physical burden never seems to lessen no matter how hard i work or try ... I rather vent on here on this blog than misdirect hostility to my poor kids i just love them so much and my husband was one of the best people inside and out i just know what a great loss in our lives we have endured.   Thank u for listening and letting me vent I.m sending you good feeling of thankfulness and love. I hope you can feel them .  

Comment by LandL (Linda) on June 16, 2020 at 6:16pm

Oh, honey, I so understand what you're saying.  I've never understood celebrating the most horrible day of my family's life, the day my husband died suddenly and left our lives without a goodbye.  Others see that day differently, and I have to respect their choice, but it could never be mine.

I know the feeling of being only part of a person now.  Only a widow can understand that feeling.  And it's very, very hard for part of a person to do the things a whole person does every day.

You seem to be in a deep depression, as I am. I know how it feels to get no joy from anything, to hate this new life, to see no hope.  To have to attend everything alone, and feel alone in a group of people.  The outsider.  

Your children are suffering too.  I do hope you have family who can help with them. Their innocence has been taken by the death of their father.  They also feel different from other kids, maybe isolated and alone even in a group, just like you.

It sounds like you all are going through hell. So is my family.  I wish I could say or do something to help you.  All I can do is say I'm so sorry, and I hope you can find someone to help you get your feelings sorted out.  No one can take away the excruciating pain, but it helps to have someone to talk to.

Please take care.  You have a hard road to travel, but you just have to take one step at a time.  I always hate when people say that, but it's all we have.  Very small steps.  And a lot of time.

Comment by Soraya on June 16, 2020 at 12:13pm
My condolences to you and family. You are the only strong person that is keeping your family together. Please seek counseling if you are not. I just lost my husband in April due to the Covid19, still can’t buried him. Nobody understand your pain, is ok to ask for help. My therapist keeps me going. Many blessings to you.

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