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I'm having a tough night tonight. I guess I am a good example of even tho it's been four years ,even tho I am dating someone, I just cannot shake the feeling that Bill was the thing that made me brave. He was a recruiter and felt his ability to judge people was a true skill of his. If he thought I was good then I was, Now I am so scared. All the time. Having someone in my life is good, but I feel like a beach house sitting on stilts that has been there for years with the waves crashing into it. It still stands but every assault on its foundation weakens it. I fear that the next wave is going to cause it to crumble into the ocean, and there is always a next wave. it is the nature of being alive.I let myself open to this man. It took over a year, to give my heart but I did. I am so primed for disaster that I cannot not trust anyone anymore. I felt so strong and brave before. I did not know it wasn't really me but Bill. I try to remember that my life was not perfect then, when I weep about how not perfect it is now. I am just so scared. I know what the being in the hole is like. I live kind of hole adjacent so it would not be too long a trip to fall in again. Oh, I could use some peace. I am so tired.

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