It has been seven months since I lost my husband to a rare cancer and the journey since his death has been a difficult one. I have experienced a range of emotions - anger, rage, love, anguish, sadness, yearning, loneliness, despair, hurt, regret, resentment, and sorrow.
I am now a single mother left to raise a 14 year-old son and one thing that I cannot help but notice is the scarcity of people in my life now. Where has everyone gone? My son and I are so alone. I read in an online article that widows lose 75% of their friends. Can it really be happening?
I live 1,600 miles away from all of my sisters, my brother and father, and their families. Initially I believed that I should stay put and just visit because my home state is so expensive. However, right now I feel so isolated, so alone, I could just scream. The friends I had hoped would be checking on me weekly are not, and I know everyone has their valid reasons. However, others I had hoped to be here for support are moving away because they have their own lives. It leaves me to wonder if I should move closer to relatives because I cannot imagine the emptiness of yet another holiday. The ones calling to check on me weekly are all out-of-state.
Is the answer a geographic cure? Do I move back to my home state?
I find my current home where I have been for the past 18 years to be a source of pain- I don't like being in this house any more. Part of it is due to painful memories from my 20 year 10 month marriage- most of the bad times occurred here. Our marriage was a thing of beauty, that is, it was both wonderful and terrible, just as Nature can be both terrible and beautiful. Such was my marriage.
This house was where we spent most of our married life, and now I feel the need to shed this skin. After contemplating for months I feel with a certainty that I must move. I plan to do it next Spring, as I don't want to disrupt my son's first year of high school. I have to start planning.
A geographic cure might help me move ahead instead of dwelling on the pain. If I can stop being imprisoned behind wall of denial, anger, resentment and stop banging my head against what cannot be changed then I will be in a better place. I have to LOVE THE TRUTH, the TRUTH OF ALL THAT WAS and the TRUTH of WHAT IS. Perhaps in this love I can include even that which has caused me so much pain.