A little about me and why I'm here...

Hello and thank you for the support already on my page, I decided to look into this website because I'm an avid Facebook fan and am constantly posting on there.  However, I don't always want my facebook friends and family to worry about my posts or how I'm feeling, I'm hoping that this website will be more understanding and can relate to how I'm feeling.

I lost my beautiful wife Raven on July 12, 2011.  She has had medical issues her entire life, mainly constantly dealing with anxiety and depression/anger management that came from growing up with an alcoholic mother who both verbally and physically abused her.  She was hospitalized in August of 2010 after becoming very sick at home one day, we never got a true diagonsis at that time as to why she was so sick other than all they could tell us was her Potassium level had dropped dramacitically and was dangerously low.  As many know, and as we became familar with throughout this hospital stay, potassium is a very important need for your body, especially your heart. 

Throughout the past year, she was on potassium supplements daily to maintain correct levels, but also struggled with her digestive system.  She had ups and downs, good weeks and bad weeks, but all in all had been feeling healthier up until the week before her death. 

On that dreaded night, late Monday July 11th, she hadn't been feeling well all day, was disoriented and was complaining of a headache, she didn't feel it was necessary to go to a Dr. but was just going to try and sleep it off.  I was in the living room watching TV when I heard her get up to use the restroom, I heard a thud and it sounded like she had fallen, I ran back there and she had collapsed and was having a seizure, she had smalls one in the past for unknown reasons but usually snaps out of them within 15-20 seconds.  This one was different, it was short, but she wouldn't come to, I immediately got on the phone with EMS and they were on the way, the operator had me perform CPR as she had stopped breathing, and I did so until EMS arrived but I was never able to get her to breathe.  EMS continued to work on her in the house, in the ambulance on the way to the ER and in the ER as well.  After only being there for about 5 minutes the Dr. came out into the waiting room with "that look", I never thought I would know what "that look" looked like, but when I saw his face, I instantly felt that it wasn't good news. 

He explained to me that they tried all they could but could never get her heart to start again, I was with her father at the time and we both just broke down and hugged each other and sobbed. 

The following hours and days leading up to the funeral were a complete blur to me and to this day I still don't remeber the things that were going on.  She had two beautiful sisters, 17 & 19.  She was to them "their mother" as her true mother has not been a part of their lives for over 5 years.  I felt that as much as I was hurting, I had to be strong for her sisters, in my heart, they are my sisters.  Of course we weren't strong all the time as we needed to and continue to mourn her loss, but I was strong for her sisters, I was their big brother and their shoulder to cry on. 

I still miss her very much each day, but I have slowly allowed it to not consume my entire day.  I don't really have any questions in particular about mourning and grief, but am interested into what other people do to deal with their grief?  I know everyone mourns differently, and I know there is no "specific time" to stop mourning, but I feel at times that when people see me smile or laugh, that I'm being judged as to "why isn't he crying all the time, how is he able to smile and laugh after loosing his wife".  I guess I feel that I'm being looked at as if I'm not mourning "correctly", if there is such a thing...?

Again, thank you to everyone for their support for me, especially since we don't know each other.  I haven't been to or really thought about counseling, but would like to hear from and read peoples thoughts on this website. 

God Bless,

deltamoss  (You can call me Marshall :)