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A Sunny Day
It's over three months since my beloved husband John died after a more than three year battle with two types of blood cancer - leukemia and then multiple myeloma as well.
This is my first blog post on this site where I mostly look at the Widowed in 2012 group comments.
I thought I'd share something.
This morning I woke with sun streaming through the bedroom window and realised it would be a beautiful, springlike day (it's the end of winter down under).
Suddenly I realised that for once the day didn't stretch ahead empty but was a blank canvas on which I could create anything. I felt a sense of freedom for the first time, rather than emptiness.
I think that's an advance for me.
Of course translating thought into action is difficult but at least I've felt a sense of freedom rather than loss. Wonder if that makes sense to others?
Saw my grief counsellor yesterday and she was very helpful. She thinks it's good that I've organised some projects such as driving lessons - have had three formal ones so far and another happening early Saturday.
I plan to contact the Education Department to see how I can revive my teaching qualification - that phonecall has been on the backburner for a while but I'll need to earn at least part time money soon because the government bereavement allowance cuts out this fortnight and my income will drop by around $250 a fortnight...so that's a motivation to look for work.
I also need to start listing items on eBay so will make myself list the spare refrigerator that's been sitting plugged in for months.
There's still a lot to get my head around but at least I woke up feeling more positive.
Comment
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Comment by aussiewidow on August 31, 2012 at 3:30pm -
Thanks for your positivity Chez and great to hear from you Dawn. Vegie growing is an idea, though being all alone I don't eat much - amazed at how little I get through compared with what the two of us consumed.
I sold some shares this week for over $2000 but will leave the money in the bank for emergencies. It's in a bank account linked to online trading so I can't access on impulse, which is good - will take a few days to transfer over when I need it. I can also sell some collectables on eBay in the lead up to Christmas to tide me over...that's the best time to sell vintage and retro items.
Think it will take a while to arrange regular work with all that bureaucracy but at least I'm taking those steps.
Washing machine is making screechy noises at the end of the spin cycle so I don't know how long that will keep going. Have not heard from Centrelink re future payments(tried phoning but it would be a 15 minute delay on my mobile) so have sent them an online message via the site asking what is happening and whether I will be moved to Widow Allowance. That would be great because then I'd keep my blue card and have the discount on rates and energy bills. At least I have a senior's card as well so that's excellent for train and bus trips at $2.50 a day even if the blue card is cancelled. But they may put me on Newstart for whatever red-tape reason - think the payment is the same but you don't get the blue card and I'm dreading the energy bill. Had the heater on quite a bit during the day in winter.
Another thought: It is difficult not being hard on yourself while thinking of all the things that need to be done.
Chez, I hope the moving preparations are going well.
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Comment by chez2all on August 31, 2012 at 6:28am -
Ann, I totally understand that very first feeling of freedom at a blank canvas day instead of loss. Great description by the way. As you say translating to activity is a whole other kettle of fish. Don't be too hard on yourself...take it easy, and take your time. You are doing great! I've found out most things work with two steps forward one step back... bureaucracy is amazing hey! Keep the driving lessons going, they'll help with your independence and ability to pick up casual teaching jobs in the future. Well done for tackling this difficult task later in life. Thinking of you...Chez
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Comment by Dawn- Clouds Mum on August 31, 2012 at 3:36am -
Glad you are achieving aussiewidow, it takes a bit to feel that. Positivity is great too and if you feel you are making forward progress it sure does help. The driving lessons are great and will help you to gain more freedom and independence, that has been so important to me too and with our vast distances here in Aussie driving can be a must. It is hard once the bereavement payment ceases and that drop in income is huge, I found it very hard to make ends meet there for a while, but it can be done with the aid of a veg garden and swapping and trading with neighbours...
Take care honey
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Comment by aussiewidow on August 30, 2012 at 11:25pm
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Thanks Joyce!
Not good today - back pain and full moon tonight. Aaaaaargh! seems like a tiring full moon for me.
Made two phonecalls yesterday about my teaching qualifications. Seems it's a red tape, bureaucratic scenario and I nave to reapply online and send/deliver certified compies of assorted ID and transcripts to the department office over 150km away. Plus they'll want to interview me re my suitability for teaching so another 150km trip for that down the track.
Looks like it will take a while to gain a current teacher approval. Mine lapsed when I was interstate. So I'll apply to volunteer for classroom assistance at local schools, and/or those with a need for casuals - a way into the system.
My cousin, 78 today, has been a lifelong primary teacher and still teaches as a casual, earning $$$ for holidays.
Would rather be writing - but that's another story.
Another driving lesson tomorrow morning and a friend will visit Monday (I hope) to help me with roundabouts and parking and 3-point turns.
Also have a couple of social occasions this weekend. A draw for members at the sailing club - $2500 must be won and a girlriend is going along - and on Sunday I'm linking up with a woman I met at the last grief group session for an afternoon jazz session. Apparently it's a friendly gathering and she knows a lot of jazz musos.
Maybe I can find someone to play blues/rock with or learn some jazz piano.
Anyway, not bursting with energy today - put that down to the full moon (and no eBay listings yet) - but achieving bits and pieces.
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Comment by Joyce on August 30, 2012 at 9:20pm -
Aussiewidow: Positive is always good. I'm glad to see you're going forward with your driving lessons, it will mean some freedom for you. Hugs!
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