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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Today I feel abandoned. I have friends who said they would always
Be here for us. Where are they now. The witness( Matron of honor) at our wedding I can never get a hold of, she won't answer. My best friends my entire life have written me off as old and perhaps "dead"
Not old news or dead not choosing to live. Just dead. I could not be here now and it wouldnt affect them at all. It's sad. I've helped these people through life. Not saying this to toot my own horn but to jus be honest. They have stayed at my house. I has taken care of their kids. Gave them. Yes gave them not loaned them money. And all I need is a friendly voice of someone I have known forever who knows me to answer the phone. Like I said I'm dead. People wonder why widows are so sad and can't snap out of it. It because when our spouse dies. We do too. Our life is over to so many of our peers that it's hard to pick up or wanna even try to go on. My family has even done this to some extent. I'm closer to some of my inlaws than my own family. And it would all be ok if I had my best friend in my arms but you see he died on Christmas day which started this avalanche Of emotions and loss of friends. I have no energy to be people's go to anymore. I'd say they can come to me. But unless they need something we know that won't happen. I've been abandoned by the people I loved, care about, and need the most. Only one has an excuse see he went to be with the lord on Christmas day.
I have a few friends I never thought I would be my shoulders my rocks. I don't call often or text often but I can depend on them. I hear back with in minutes sometimes hours. The ones I counted on well I just don't hear or talk to them till I call again and at some point they answer. So like I said I'm dead. Dead to a world and family and friends I use to have. I use to know

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Comment by Susan J on July 2, 2012 at 1:28pm

I am looking at this period as an opportunity to make new friends. I moved a year after my Jonathan died and started all over. That included making new friends in my new community. My advice is to go out there when you are ready, test the waters, be bold and try new things. Is there something you have always wanted to do or try? When you are ready, do it. And if someone dares to tell you you shouldn't? See what Renee said.

And on Christmas Day, come visit me. You do not have to be around the people who abandoned you.

Comment by Renee on July 1, 2012 at 11:48am

Sorry Ash,I to feel abandoned by my family and most of my best friends, my one best friend(also a widow)

I lost 2m to cancer like my husband, it was hard to take care of her but she needed me and I would never

have let her down.  I 'd like to think that I am there anytime my friends or family needs me, but when

someone dies most people don't know what to say or do so they do nothing, the ass backwards way. My brother and his wife never called the whole 17M my husband was sick and died, that was 11m ago and I

still have not heard a word from them, needless to say I will never speak to them in my life, I also don't want anything to do with the friends that never had the time for him when he was sick, F**K them all and the horse they rode in on. My Hugs to Ash

Comment by Joyce on July 1, 2012 at 5:52am

Sorry Ash, it happens to all of us to a certain extent, almost like we're contagious.  Tom had close family members of his that started backing off hen he got sick.  Hug, glad you found this place!

Comment by chez2all on July 1, 2012 at 4:39am

Ash, in days gone by our culture had very strict rules on mourning periods and codes of conduct...these have fallen by the way these days and it may indeed be to our detriment to some extent.  For a period of time widows were not expected to be out and about, earning a living or dealing with the real world while they learned how to accommodate their new status in the community.  Now there seems to be an expectation that we get back into real life asap and not worry about all this mourning stuff.  There was an accepted code of conduct by others around the widow in her grief (usually not extended to widowers unfortunately).  People simply knew what they had to do and how to be around grieving people.  

We are not educated about this anymore and death is a taboo subject...strange when you think that it happens to everyone!  None of us get out of this life alive.  So now 'friends' avoid us because they don't want to say or do the wrong thing...they do nothing.  This is another tragedy we all must deal with unfortunately, but as we are able to move forward those friends we make along our journey become those we move forward with.  We do indeed have each other...from all around the world we are all experiencing this phenomenon and share your hurt and anger at being ignored.  Just know that we are all thinking of you, take care Chez

Comment by Morgana (Janet) on July 1, 2012 at 4:28am

Ash, I am so sorry you are going through this.  What everyone has said is true, but it does not make it any easier, I know.  I believe it is the friends we make along the way as we learn a new "Normal" that will help to define who we are as we move forward on this journey. 

As Suz said "Thank God we have each other."  I am always available if you want to talk.  I wish I lived closer so I could give you a hug.  Peace and Hope for you today.  God Bless. 

Comment by freddieb on June 30, 2012 at 7:33pm

Ashleigh, I am so very sorry that you are going through this.  It's true though.  Sometimes the people who you count on the most are not there for you when you need them.  Sometimes you find out that you were really a better friend to them then they ever were to you but sadly enough, we don't find this out until we actually need them to step up.  What I hope for you is that those so-called friends who have abandoned you when you need them the most will soon be replaced by genuine people who truly care.  It takes time, but I know it can happen. I wish you peace and strength for your journey. God bless.

Comment by Suz on June 30, 2012 at 5:21pm

Sad but true, Ash. It does add insult to injury. We had so much attention when Jud was sick and when he died and now...everyone has just disappeared!I hope that I still remember when this happens to a friend of mine. You need more attention when you have lost someone than when your spouse is dying, in my opinion.

I especially hate the weekends. I am rather busy during the week, and always used to be busy on weekends. Now I find that the weekend comes and after Saturday coffee with some friends, I am all alone and it is couple time. 

Thank God we have each other <3

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on June 30, 2012 at 4:32pm

I don't know what causes this, Ash, but there have been a lot of similar posts in the Forums since WV opened up. It appears to impact so many of us, regardless of age, etc. Some suggest that our friends just don't know what to say. OK, I get that but still think it's a lousy excuse to stay away. I know there are some who really would help IF I ASK ... but I guess I figure they should know me well enough to realize that I am not one who will ever ask. It does hurt when we've always been the 'giver' and now that we're in a position to need to 'take' a little ... no one is there. It feels more like we've been 'used'.

I did feel abandoned by friends and family - and mine started during the long cancer battle. But now that I'm at 21 months I can tell you it doesn't hurt so much. Things can happen that bring that pain to the surface, but I'm able to shove it back where it belongs pretty quickly now. (Something actually did happen this week ... I had my big cry afterward and then made a decision that will make sure this person is not able to hurt me again.)  I've gotten stronger. I refuse to give any power to those who hurt me. So I think time does help and I hope that it does for you, too.

P.S.  Your final two sentences: "Taking time away from my beloved. Time I will never get back" really struck a chord with me.

Comment by LaurieR on June 30, 2012 at 3:59pm

Ash.  The people who abandon you, just don't know what to say. I know that is not an acceptable excuse.  But in truth I did it to my husband cousin's wife after she was widowed.    I saw her shopping with her daughter and I turned and walked away rather than talk to her.  To be truthful, I prefer people to walk away from me rather than engage in the HOW ARE YOU?  I understand the people you are talking about are a lot closer than these people.

My thoughts are you hold on tight to the people who are their to support you.  And [email protected]&k the rest.  Those who left you will probably return to you when you return to "Normal" again in a year or two.  And again who needs them then.

Comment by Ashleigh on June 30, 2012 at 2:53pm
Not to mention helping them through life problems with kids and marital problems and always being their ear. Taking time away from my beloved. Time i will never get back

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