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Am I Losing The Bad Ass and Becoming Just an Ass?
When I started coming to this site, I gave my name as the Bad Widow. I thought that since I hadn't cried for my husband or myself for that matter, that I hadn't actually grieved. Yes there was so much more to it, I had lost so many people in a short time and dealt with my daughters health and mental issues, had started a new job shortly before my husband died, let my husbands best friend move in, and later showed his ass to the door. I put one foot in front of the other and kept my head low. I thought that this was the way to do things. I had only known 2 other widows and they were both widowed in their early 20's and they had both gone on to have new marriages and kids and amazing lives. I had never thought to ask them how they did it, after all when they became widows I was still in my early 20's . I figured here I was 20 years later, I could handle it. And handle it I did for 2 1/2 years. Or rather I denied it for 2 1/2 years.
Marsha had written a blog and claimed that I was too hard on myself and that we were all Bad Ass Widows, trying to find our ways through this journey of widowhood. I thought about it and she was right. We all are Bad Ass, I just stole the name and figured it fit and on most days it does.
But lately, I am finding that my own so called lack of respect for death is starting to kick in again. Now this is just me and many of you who know me knows that my sense of humor kicks in big time, especially when I am feeling out of sorts with the world.
Example #1, I went to visit my mother in laws grave by myself, as the first time I went I could not stop giggling because of a story Gina told about her grandson and the bunny statues. My father in law was not as amused. So this time I went and still had the giggles, as I watched a deer completely destroy a beautiful hanging plant on another grave. I did yell at it and it calmly looked at me and turned back to eating the flowers. All I could think of was Keiths wish not to be buried as he didnt want deer dancing on his grave. Singing nah nah nah nah, you cant get me now hunterman!
Example #2, Keiths ashes normally reside on the backseat of his truck. He loved that truck so it seems like the natural thing to do. But since Saturday, he has been in the kitchen. I have moved him from counter to counter and back again whenever he has become in the way. Well today after unloading the groceries and realizing that I put a container of cherry tomatos on him, I thought ok, thats just not right. Not because I was using him as a shelf, but because Keith hated cherry tomatos. I think if I had put a bottle of beer on him or a pack of cigarettes I wouldnt have batted an eye.
Maybe I am getting my grief jumbled up again. This is the first Fathers Day without my Dad and I have been writing little "Dad"isms about him on Facebook. After my Mom died I took over the role of chauffer and cook and advocate and shopper and appointment maker for two years. I am writing down all these memorys of him as I so desperately want to remember him and I want the grandkids to remember him.
Maybe its because that after 3 years I am starting to forget things about Keith, the good and the bad. My daughter has prompted me to start writing things down about him and lately she remembers more than I do. I can remember his eyes but I cant remember his voice. I can remember his touch, but not his smell. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Does this mean I am healing or does it mean that I am denying again? Am I using my humor which I inherited from my Dad to stave off the pain of thinking I really am a bad widow? Its all so confusing and aggravating and frustrating. I want to be that person who brings a smile to someone who is having a bad day, that is who I am. That is what I am good at. But lately, I have lost the Bad Ass and just become the Bad or the Ass for that matter.
So bear with me guys, as I find the Bad Ass Widow again.
(((hugs)))
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Comment by DonnaReid on June 24, 2012 at 12:55pm -
Oh Amy, this is great!! I can soooo identify with this as my husband's ashes are in the backseat of his beloved truck. Once in awhile (like last night) I sit in the truck and have a beer with him (usually when we need to "talk" about how I need for him to help out more and how unfair it was that he up and left me and whine, whine, whine....) I have my little breakdown and usually feel better the next day. Once in awhile I take him out for a drive. He hardly ever let me drive him anywhere when he was alive and I chuckle as I imagine the look of horror on his face as I am driving his mistress (the truck) and him around. I use to bargain with him "Get use to it or else you can just come back from the dead and do something about it."
I think we are all BAd Ass Widows! In fact, it should be the name of our special club. It's the only way to survive. Thanks for your wonderful story!
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Comment by AuntT on June 23, 2012 at 5:27pm -
you are great amy. point blank but great. we all have those times when we second guess our selves. i feel better when i visit Franks grave and talk about good times than to sit there crying and begging him to come back which is just stupid. Remember the song "tracks of my tears" i have always related to that song, somehow felt like me. humor for me is sometimes a disguise and sometimes a way to pull my self out of the depths of hell. You are a Bad Ass Widow!
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Comment by Joyce on June 21, 2012 at 10:39pm -
Well Amy, I think you're still a Bad Ass and I love that moniker. I went out tonight and was out later than I've been since Tom died. Now mind you that was to about 9:15 (horrors) as I was driving home (after a drink or two) I thought, I never called Tom to tell him I'll be home later than I thought. Then I got teary eyed and kept thinking does that heart punching moment ever stop. Well, I came home and read Kim's sweet post on FB and was balling my eyes out. I can on here read your post and was laughing out loud, so thank you so much. I don't think giggling is such a bad thing you are really just remembering memories. I loved your tomato story. Father's Day was particularly hard for me. I didn't expect it since Tom and I had no kids together but it was bad for me anyway. Amy you just recently lost your Dad so that is new grief and maybe all your grief is getting jumbled together and that is why you think you are forgetting Keith. I am so enjoying your "Dad" isms on Facebook. Also, I think you should put Keith back in the truck again. Sorry I'm rambling. Love you. Hugs!
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Comment by Marsha on June 21, 2012 at 10:28pm -
Amy you are still a bad ass widow. This journey throws so many things at us it's hard to keep it all straight. Just when I think I may have it together it all falls apart or seems to. Think Suzanne maybe right. As we continue our journey of healing and on to our new self and life, we need a good dose of denial. Not sure how this is all going to turn out just know we have to be bad ass widows to get as far as we've come. It takes a community like WV to help all of us continue to move forward. Love ya! Keep the Bad Ass ;o)
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Comment by kimkirt (KK) on June 21, 2012 at 9:43pm -
You're still bad ass, always will be! Your tomato story reminded me of the picture story here. I have a picture in front of my husband's ashes box, maybe I'm in denial too and just don't want to look at it. Anyway, my son's friend was over and as 10 year old boys will do they were getting kind of wild and he knocked the picture off the entertainment center. He looked at me wide eyed and I just said "Aw no problem, happens all the time." He giggled, picked up the picture and said 'Oops, sorry Mr. Steve." and we laughed. I think to tomato thing is funny! HUGS my friend, I don't have any words of wisdom, just want to cast my vote for your to keep the "bad ass" moniker.
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Comment by celestia (Suzanne) on June 21, 2012 at 8:45pm -
Maybe it's both: healing and denying. I know that there are levels to the healing and in between those levels a good dose of denial is sometimes all that keeps us from completely losing our shit.
Bradley has been dead for over 10 years now and I remember all kinds of things. I've probably forgotten stuff too. Your relationship with Keith will always be with you. And frankly I think it's hilarious that you put tomatoes on him and then thought it was wrong because he hated tomatoes! Totally something I would think or do.
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Comment by chez2all on June 21, 2012 at 8:10pm -
Hi Amy, for me I found that I was losing immediate memories of my first husband and it scared me. Who was going to tell the kids about their dad? But gradually over the last few years I've remembered other things I thought I'd forgotten...the memories do return when your new life is able to incorporate them safely. The mind is incredibly protective of itself I've found and seems to shut down areas to allow others to grow. 11.5 years later I smile when I recall a memory of my husband and the amount of detail is incredible. So please don't worry, it's just your mind you're losing for the timebeing while your new life is developing.
Enjoy the humour, it's what keeps the last shreds of our brains intact! Chez
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