A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Another Day. Almost Twelve Weeks
On the surface, it was a perfectly decent day.
On the inside, it was a horrible, tortured day.
As Ron's birthday approaches I feel myself deteriorating internally. I so badly wanted him to make it to his birthday. He kept saying what a waste, I am going to die at 47 years old and I wanted to prove him wrong. I told him to keep looking toward his 50th birthday. He would tell me that statistically speaking there was no way he was going to make it that long. He was so sure that he would not make it to 48. I told him statistically speaking he should never have gotten pancreatic cancer in the first place so I didn't buy that argument. So much for his assurances that statistically speaking my fear of sharks makes no sense. In April, after things got bad, I asked the universe to let him live until our anniversary and he did. We had a good, quiet night together. The girls had sleepovers somewhere and we spent time talking, I ate something for dinner (Ron probably didn't eat anything--I can't remember what we/I ate). We were supposed to watch a movie together and I got so caught up in trying to pick out the perfect film that Ron fell asleep while I was fretting over this choice or that one. I watched him for a while as he slept and then I cried myself to sleep because I knew 11 years of marriage would be our grand total. The next morning we did get to go out to breakfast and Ron nibbled a little. I really wanted to take him to Brookside Gardens but after breakfast, and a brief stroll at the Farmer's Market, Ron was tired and we went home. I had to remember that where we spent time together didn't matter. I had just wanted to take him someplace beautiful.
Within the fog in which I have been living and functioning, I have had the awareness that I have been mostly numb. Something seems to have cracked, there is a fissure that is widening. I am starting to feel the pain and if I let myself really think about it all I can barely breathe. I competely lost my shit tonight while driving with the girls to the Kennedy Center to watch close friends perform. We had to head to DC during rush hour. I forgot to fill the tank with gas and our usual route downtown was closed to southbound traffic. I made a dumbass wrong turn at the very last minute, I mean we were right next to the Kennedy Center and next minute there we were on the bridge to Virginia, freaking Virginia. I started screaming at myself and my stupidity in the car and in my rage, I yelled the one thing (besides the curses) that my overly perceptive daughters would have to remember, "I am so tired of smiling and pretending that everything is okay". That is what they asked me about later, that is what they remembered most when I apologized for losing my temper over something silly like directions. When we got back home they were hungry and we had breakfast for dinner. I realized then that I had forgotten to buy milk and that I would have none for them or my coffee in the morning. I do not want to be the only one filling the gas tank, figuring out directions, doing 100% of the driving, remembering to get milk. I do not want to be a single parent and say stupid shit to my kids and have my nine year old comfort me when I cannot stop the tears. She should NOT have to do that for me. That is NOT her job. I try to be honest with them and I know it is okay to express my sadness in front of them but WTF? Sophie cried tonight and said that she just wants to see Daddy one more time and for him to hug her or tell him he loves her. What should I say to that? Me too, Sweetie, me too.
Views: 47
Comment
-
Comment by MissingRKK on August 19, 2012 at 10:14am -
Thanks, Everyone! Someone (I think Diane) posted this quote and I think it is just lovely:
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran
-
Comment by Joyce on August 18, 2012 at 8:54pm -
Missing RKK: sending lots of hugs!
-
Comment by honeys(puddin) on August 18, 2012 at 7:46pm
-
I am so sad for your pain. You have to cry. The tears have to come out. Talk about him as much as you can and cry when you need to. I am 14 weeks out and having a bad weekend but it is what it is. Nothing is going to bring him back. I feel so bad for the widows here that have young children at home. I cannot imagine your situation. No one can. Cry when you need to:(
-
Comment by GGfromMaine on August 18, 2012 at 8:46am -
Of all of the "firsts" from last year, my husband's birthday was the most difficult for me. I didn't anticipate all of the feelings that would surface that day. Please go easy on yourself about the tears. They must come out in order to start to heal. Sending strong vibes your way.
-
Comment by Ava on August 18, 2012 at 8:19am -
My birthday is August 21st. John already bought me a present.
-
Comment by Ava on August 18, 2012 at 8:18am
-
It has been only two weeks for me. I am not numb, I am in so much pain. John's funeral is tomorrow.
I never did grocery shopping before, I did not cook really. There is always something I forget to buy.
My children are older and trying to help but my 12 year old son is really hurting while pretending nothing changed. Your blog is beautiful, is it easier at 12 weeks than 2 weeks? Does not sound like it!
-
Comment by MissingRKK on August 18, 2012 at 7:23am
-
Thanks, Suz and Ali. I send you both hugs right back.
-
Comment by Suz on August 18, 2012 at 12:10am -
Oh, my,
Damn pancreatic cancer, first of all. What a shitty disease. I look at your husband's sweet face on your picture and I am sad.
Second, I relate so much to the feeling thing. My numbness seems to be cracking, too, and I am losing it and bursting into tears at odd times and making stupid mistakes on the freeway, as well. I have a 32 year old and I resent being a single mom but I think you have it so much rougher :-(
I do think it gets better, though. i feel it is easier (I am almost at six months...hard to believe...and though I am crying more, it doesn't feel quite as horrible). I think we gotta hold on to that and think your little Sophie is in good hands. She is clearly trying to comfort you but also letting herself be comforted when she is really hurting.
Just know I am thinking of you and appreciate your sharing.
Big hugs,
Suz
-
Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on August 17, 2012 at 11:20pm -
Oh God, it's all so hard. Paul and I didn't have kids together, so I can't imagine the stress of that. I do think it IS okay for you to express your sadness, so your children know that it is okay to feel sad, angry, etc. I'm sure they have those feelings too. Maybe your 9 year old feels good to be able to comfort you. You all can comfort each other. I'm so sorry for your loss, it's huge. (((hugs)))
This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people
Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.
Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.
We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."
HOT TOPICS!
© 2013 Created by Supa Dupa Fresh.
You need to be a member of Widowed Village to add comments!
Join Widowed Village