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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

A friend asked me today: "Are you lonely?" I told her I was and she expressed her sympathy.  A few of the church widows ask me that, then they go on to explain how they have filled in the time since their husbands died x number of years ago.  I appreciate their concern for me and their willingness to share but in the main they are twenty years older than me so the things that interest them are still ahead of me, they do understand but cannot help me.  I am  still trying to work out what I want to do with what remains of my life.  

Like me, my friend from this morning is a long term caregiver, her husband had a brain tumor twenty five years ago, had a stroke on the operating table and became a wheelie.  His deficits, unlike Ray's did not increase and only old age has changed him.  The couple have managed well to keep going on  a small pension granted to them as the condition that may have caused the tumor is common in the industry in which he was employed so this is a form of compensation. As a long term caregiver his wife, my friend, knows what loneliness and isolation is all about.

We are all unique individuals, our needs, our hopes and dreams are different but we have bereavement in common.  We are struggling together to recover from that deadly blow we have all suffered.  I like being in a group where people do understand.  This afternoon another woman, a member of the Craft group I go to on Tuesdays, asked me how I fill in my time so I told her about my endeavours to fill my time, church groups and other organizations I belong to, the cyberspace groups I belong to, the handcrafts I do. It all sounds good but we all know underneath all of that I am just marking time.

I hate this time of the year.  I know we don't have cold winters in the form of snow so it is mild really but this year has been wet and unpleasant. Only about four more weeks of the cold weather and then hopefully as the days lengthen the weather will warm up a bit too. I have done some gardening over last weekend, re-potting plants to hopefully give me a Spring display. At least I sleep well when I have done some gardening.

I think it is time to also go back to some of the decluttering and downsizing now the days are a bit longer. I need dry weather for that too.  Unless I have a plan I find the weeks slip by without me doing much with them.  It is like I have a whole list to do and yet I can only see a few items and those are the ones that are too difficult to begin right now.  I find myself very unmotivated this far into winter. So roll on Spring.

Are you lonely?  How do you fill in your spare time?  Are you able to make plans for the future?   I am not quite there yet, the future is still fogged in. One of the older Lions asked me tonight how long since Ray had died and I told him almost two years.  He said:"What a shame that was.  He was such a lovely fellow." And he is right, he was. He was trying to remain a nice person even in the latter days of his illness. Which is why I miss him so much.

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Comment by lizbeth4 on August 22, 2014 at 2:02pm

It has been 17 months since the death of my Husband of 30 years.  There are days where I am lonely.  I guess I would be lonely all the time but I try to do things to keep me occupied.  I am doing a lot of yard work now and I am trying to put myself out there and join groups, ect.  to meet new people.  That has been the hard part.  I travel a lot (1hour and 45 mins) to the city to visit with my Daughter's and Grandson and they come here when they can.  I do miss my Husband's hugs and I love you's.  I am in my mid 50's and I can honestly say that I will never have a relationship like I had with my Husband.  I don't even know if I want a man/woman relationship again.  So, on that level, I think that there will always be some loneliness for me.  I am grateful that he and I had a long marriage and were best friends also.  I will always love him.

Comment by Phyllis on August 21, 2014 at 1:56am

Laurajay, I can relate to everything you say.  The only difference is my husband was sick for 11 months.  Like both of you, it has been 2 years (and one week) for me. But filling the hours does not keep the loneliness at bay; it only fills the hours, not our hearts.  And a bizarre thing - I live in St. Louis where we are experiencing the racial riots, which are happening very close to where we used to live.  My husband was a police officer, and although I know what he would be feeling, thinking, and saying, not being able to hear his words makes me miss him more. 

Comment by laurajay on August 19, 2014 at 10:07am

My LONELY is in all capital letters.  But at 2yr+ it is not for activity or family I have those. It is for the intimacy we shared which grew and developed and strengthened over 40+ yrs of marriage.  Physical, emotional, and all  dimensions of being together. The small ,constant banter, the touching,  loving, understanding --the inside jokes, the feeling and belief that I was loved, cherished, understood, needed and cared for 24/7.  It's all gone.  I now realize another man will not fill that role ever because the time and sacrifice and compromise is too hefty an investment and I don't want it.  My husband's death was sudden and unexpected so it's different than having been a care giver  but the loneliness is the same.  Younger women probably think differently and are willing to sacrifice to have another relationship which may be fine for them but not for me.  Also, my code of behavior is old fashioned so I will not be having  casual relationships that  might take away the loneliness for a short time.   Dilemma.  One day at a time here.  I continue to keep my gratitude journal.  I use distractions and activity.  Staying busy helps.  I hope my desires diminish with time.  I have many years to reflect on my life as it was-as we were.  It will have to be enough unless God changes my heart .  I am open to love but not as I experienced it in my marriage. It was good.  Life is still good/ even more precious  but lonely down deep.  It's OK.  So many are not blessed with long, happy marriages. God knows me and cares for me.I'll just keep following and see where it leads me using faith as my compass.  Thankyou for your post it helps me to remind myself of my reality ,only1sue.    lj

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