A friend asked me today: "Are you lonely?" I told her I was and she expressed her sympathy. A few of the church widows ask me that, then they go on to explain how they have filled in the time since their husbands died x number of years ago. I appreciate their concern for me and their willingness to share but in the main they are twenty years older than me so the things that interest them are still ahead of me, they do understand but cannot help me. I am still trying to work out what I want to do with what remains of my life.
Like me, my friend from this morning is a long term caregiver, her husband had a brain tumor twenty five years ago, had a stroke on the operating table and became a wheelie. His deficits, unlike Ray's did not increase and only old age has changed him. The couple have managed well to keep going on a small pension granted to them as the condition that may have caused the tumor is common in the industry in which he was employed so this is a form of compensation. As a long term caregiver his wife, my friend, knows what loneliness and isolation is all about.
We are all unique individuals, our needs, our hopes and dreams are different but we have bereavement in common. We are struggling together to recover from that deadly blow we have all suffered. I like being in a group where people do understand. This afternoon another woman, a member of the Craft group I go to on Tuesdays, asked me how I fill in my time so I told her about my endeavours to fill my time, church groups and other organizations I belong to, the cyberspace groups I belong to, the handcrafts I do. It all sounds good but we all know underneath all of that I am just marking time.
I hate this time of the year. I know we don't have cold winters in the form of snow so it is mild really but this year has been wet and unpleasant. Only about four more weeks of the cold weather and then hopefully as the days lengthen the weather will warm up a bit too. I have done some gardening over last weekend, re-potting plants to hopefully give me a Spring display. At least I sleep well when I have done some gardening.
I think it is time to also go back to some of the decluttering and downsizing now the days are a bit longer. I need dry weather for that too. Unless I have a plan I find the weeks slip by without me doing much with them. It is like I have a whole list to do and yet I can only see a few items and those are the ones that are too difficult to begin right now. I find myself very unmotivated this far into winter. So roll on Spring.
Are you lonely? How do you fill in your spare time? Are you able to make plans for the future? I am not quite there yet, the future is still fogged in. One of the older Lions asked me tonight how long since Ray had died and I told him almost two years. He said:"What a shame that was. He was such a lovely fellow." And he is right, he was. He was trying to remain a nice person even in the latter days of his illness. Which is why I miss him so much.