I am 45 and lost my husband Jeff, almost 3 months ago. We were together 21 years and married for 18. His death was very sudden. He had a pulmonary embolism, in our home, in a horrific scene that will live in our memories forever. He had been at the doctor's the day before, mistakes were made and the result was tragic. Equal to the loss of what we had, is the loss of future. We will never travel Europe, as we dreamed of all our lives. He will never see our children marry or hold our grandchildren. There is a lot to be sad about. A lot to be angry about. And yet....life goes on. His life ended on 11/28/12 and my life without him, started on 11/29/12.
I know it is important to process the pain and I think I am doing that. I am trying, anyway. I certainly do not stuff it down, but I am not sad all of the time and seem to be functioning ok. We/I have survived many "firsts" already - Christmas, our wedding anniversary, our daughter's "sweet 16," Valentines day and Jeff's birthday. Weekends are tougher than any one day, for me. On the whole, I try to focus on the positive. I am grateful for the life we built. I forgive people their thoughtless comments. I reach out to friends and accept their efforts to reach out to me. I have a wonderful family, albeit very tiny. So many bits of wisdom have come my way, since Jeff died. Some, I believe he guided directly to me.
I had discovered yoga, 2 months before Jeff died. I even got him and our daughter into it! I am so grateful, to have been in just the right place, to help me through those first weeks. I went to yoga constantly. Crying on my mat, but feeling better for it. Then I hit a wall. Life as a single parent started taking it's toll. I went back to work after just a week. Basic yoga moves started to be harder than before and finding the energy to go to the studio, challenging. I have also noticed that I have stopped breathing. LOL I mean the breathing that keeps you healthy. I am holding my breath a lot and finding that a problem at practice as well. So, I stopped going (1.5 weeks now) and feel awful. Insult to injury, I have gained 14lbs since Jeff died, making me feel even crappier. I am out of balance right now, but here is GOOD NEWS - I CAN CHANGE. I am alive and thus, have the option to change for the better. I am going to work on this for a while and invite anyone interested to join me. What should the categories be for a balanced widowhood? Emotional - Physical - Spiritual? Past-Present-Future? Self-Family-Social? Grief-recovery-healing?
Jeff should be alive, but he does not. Life is not fair. I accept this and move forward. Life is a gift and I am surrounded by inspiration that promises better times ahead. I miss my husband dearly, but I am determined to honor him, by living this life to the fullest.