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Blasting Holes
“You know, people talk about closure, but I don’t buy it.
When somebody blasts a hole in your life . . . it tends to stay open.”
Madeline Weston “Burn Notice”
Yesterday (Halloween) started out difficult for me, I woke with my mind racing thinking about last year and the fun we had as a family and how it was the last outing the three of us had together. None of us knowing that 5 days later, Steve would die suddenly, unexpectedly. The sadness just took over and I eventually gave into it and left work early to go home and walk on the treadmill before having to pick up my son from school and begin the evening festivities. Walking on the treadmill is my outlet, it releases my anxiety and it calms me down. When I walk, I usually watch Netflix and episodes of “Burn Notice.” At the end of the episode I watched yesterday one of the characters said the quote I posted above and it just hit me. It was almost one of those “stop you in your tracks” moments. For some reason it just resonated. Maybe because my one-year date is approaching, or maybe because that hole opened up a bit more again yesterday, I’m not sure. But it stuck, and I wrote down the quote so I could keep it and re-read it and yes, I agree with it.
What I agree with is that it’s okay to have this hole, and it’s okay for it to stay open, and it’s okay not to have that elusive closure that I so desperately thought I needed. We didn’t get to say goodbye, we didn’t get to shower him with “I love yous” and I always felt that was missing and that’s why I didn’t get my “closure.” So I planned to scatter his ashes on the one year, looking for that mysterious “closure” and thinking that I might obtain it then. I’m so glad I watched this episode and I’m so glad I heard this quote before we’ve done this. Because now I realize that I really don’t need that “closure” and honestly do we ever really get it? No, I don’t think so. It’s okay that he blasted a hole in my life. Hell, that’s probably a good thing. I mean, if he left and there wasn’t that hole, what does that say about our life together? Our marriage? Our family? That hole his sudden leaving blasted into my heart is a testimony of what we had, what we shared and what was lost.
We will still scatter his ashes, a ritual of sorts that might bring some peace to our hearts. But it won’t close that hole that’s been blasted. It might repair the edges a little, make them smoother, not as ragged, but no, it won’t ever close. And that’s okay. Because it shows how much he was loved and what his leaving did.
I also feel that now I don’t have to close this hole to move forward. I can live my life, I can focus on my son and I and a new chapter, new beginnings, new adventures. They await us. Life awaits us. And maybe one day, hopefully way way down the road a ways, when I leave this good earth, maybe my leaving will blast a hole in someone’s heart and I hope that’s a testimony to the life I lived and those who shared it with me.
Kim (KK)
Views: 157
Comment
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Comment by Henry-in-Minn on November 4, 2012 at 5:13pm -
The holes eventually close, but the scars remain. It is all part of the process. Closure is something that comes from inside yourself. It takes time, patience, and forgiveness. Let yourself heal.
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Comment by AuntT on November 4, 2012 at 2:37am -
This is so true Kim, cant sleep reading blogs, So well said , Love ya GAl!
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Comment by bad ass widow on November 3, 2012 at 7:21pm -
Kim, This is a great .
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Comment by lovie on November 3, 2012 at 10:09am -
I also believe that the hole will never close, but I do believe that we can one day feel whole again because new joy and love can fill the hole, not replacing what we loss, but supplementing what was already there. The hole is infinite and can never get enough that will allow it to close. KK, it is easy to believe that you will indeed blast a hole in someone's heart, and what a lucky person that will be!
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Comment by suebru (Sue) on November 3, 2012 at 8:18am -
Well written and said! Once again, thanks to you, Kim, my "trail blazin'" widow friend!
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Comment by MissingRKK on November 3, 2012 at 7:34am -
Someone posted a TED talk video on the subject of grief and closure that was so good. I am having trouble finding the link. I wanted to post it here because it would fit in so well with this discussion. Anyone know where to find it?
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Comment by Charley on November 3, 2012 at 3:31am -
I love you Kim...good for you to work it on the teadmill...Please send me motivation for that :). I am way past expecting anything that is "expected" of this grieving experience. It is all our personal hole that has been bashed trough us. I really enjoyed the day spreading ashes...and felt good for a few months after...others called it closure....but I loved the crap out of him and I dont want closer...is that wrong? I dont think so. You dont either ...thanks for comfirming it for me...and you will blast a hole for sure
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Comment by janet on November 2, 2012 at 9:12pm -
(((KK))). I love this. You have said what I have been feeling and you said it beautifully. Thank you so much, my friend.
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Comment by hendrixx2 on November 2, 2012 at 7:46pm -
Hi kk,
My friend, you have hit upon what I have been feeling, knowing, and tying to express any way I can; that hole should be there! Something is missing...duhhhh! I have refused to work on ''closing'' that hole, it ain't gonna happen; what may happen as you say, is that those jagged edges are made smoother and more even so that as I go to place those memories there, I am not stung by the pain they might produce as I ease those memories in there. For me, that hole is safe, I know it's there, I have found an answer for myself as to why it's there, and I have come to believe that not only should it be there, it's mine, i own it, and will not stand for any attempts by anyone, including myself to to ''close'' it. Now, the challenge of living with it is mine to have...so be it...but as you say closure is not part of any plans for that area...thank you so much for posting this, you really nailed it...8-)
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Comment by CharliesGirl on November 2, 2012 at 4:45pm -
One of the best blogs I've ever read.
Julie
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