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“You know, people talk about closure, but I don’t buy it.
When somebody blasts a hole in your life . . . it tends to stay open.”
Madeline Weston “Burn Notice”
Yesterday (Halloween) started out difficult for me, I woke with my mind racing thinking about last year and the fun we had as a family and how it was the last outing the three of us had together. None of us knowing that 5 days later, Steve would die suddenly, unexpectedly. The sadness just took over and I eventually gave into it and left work early to go home and walk on the treadmill before having to pick up my son from school and begin the evening festivities. Walking on the treadmill is my outlet, it releases my anxiety and it calms me down. When I walk, I usually watch Netflix and episodes of “Burn Notice.” At the end of the episode I watched yesterday one of the characters said the quote I posted above and it just hit me. It was almost one of those “stop you in your tracks” moments. For some reason it just resonated. Maybe because my one-year date is approaching, or maybe because that hole opened up a bit more again yesterday, I’m not sure. But it stuck, and I wrote down the quote so I could keep it and re-read it and yes, I agree with it.
What I agree with is that it’s okay to have this hole, and it’s okay for it to stay open, and it’s okay not to have that elusive closure that I so desperately thought I needed. We didn’t get to say goodbye, we didn’t get to shower him with “I love yous” and I always felt that was missing and that’s why I didn’t get my “closure.” So I planned to scatter his ashes on the one year, looking for that mysterious “closure” and thinking that I might obtain it then. I’m so glad I watched this episode and I’m so glad I heard this quote before we’ve done this. Because now I realize that I really don’t need that “closure” and honestly do we ever really get it? No, I don’t think so. It’s okay that he blasted a hole in my life. Hell, that’s probably a good thing. I mean, if he left and there wasn’t that hole, what does that say about our life together? Our marriage? Our family? That hole his sudden leaving blasted into my heart is a testimony of what we had, what we shared and what was lost.
We will still scatter his ashes, a ritual of sorts that might bring some peace to our hearts. But it won’t close that hole that’s been blasted. It might repair the edges a little, make them smoother, not as ragged, but no, it won’t ever close. And that’s okay. Because it shows how much he was loved and what his leaving did.
I also feel that now I don’t have to close this hole to move forward. I can live my life, I can focus on my son and I and a new chapter, new beginnings, new adventures. They await us. Life awaits us. And maybe one day, hopefully way way down the road a ways, when I leave this good earth, maybe my leaving will blast a hole in someone’s heart and I hope that’s a testimony to the life I lived and those who shared it with me.