I need a safe place to shed some more truths. A place that I feel comfortable and un-judged... a place to release and unload, to clear my head and ease my heart, and naturally, widowed village is that place.
For those of you who have been with me through my widowed journey, know that I have found love again. Nathan, my wonderful, remarkable widowed boyfriend who can handle my baggage, has changed my life. It's true, no matter how much baggage I think I have dropped as the days, months, years of my old life pass me by, I will still have some heavy bags to carry.
Nathan and I are doing awesome, regardless of some of my uncertainties, he has forgiven me, and can understand me at a much greater level than most men could. I am so thankful for him.
He has stood by my side, and allowed me to flourish at my own speed and in my own time. We are strong, and happy. I am so very glad that I finally let go of the inner guilt that was driving me to those uncertainties in the first place. I have allowed myself permission to feel the happiness that was right here in front of me. :)
Nate and I are creating a wonderful family setting for each other and our children. His little girls call me 'momma' and my boy calls him 'daddy'. It is the sweetest, most wonderful thing. I can remember crying all day, everyday for my son, not being able to have a daddy... and here he is, not even 2, and has a fantastic father. I am sad for Craig, but happy for us, the living. It still gives me goosebumps when I hear any one of our children's innocent voices call out 'momma' or 'daddy'. My heart feels full and warm in those moments.
Although we are creating this wonderful family setting, it comes with complex situations. Craig's family is still present in my life, because I respect and love them, and because Jack needs them too. Nathan feels the same way about his in-laws. At first, Stephanie's parents (Nathans inlaws) were more accepting of him moving forward than my in-laws were. However, ever since I gave them Craig's ashes, they have turned a new leaf. They even invited all of us (nate and his girls included) over to their place. It makes me very happy that they have warmed up to the changes I've made for Jack and myself. I have a sense that the future will be bright for all of us if we can just accept the changes that life brings.
Change is constant in the universe, and if we do not embrace it, we will live a life of fear and uncertainty. I honour change now. Life is about evolving, therefore we must evolve. Even after tragedy and death, love remains. Love is what keeps the world spinning.
"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy, for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another."
- Anatole France
"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."
- Victor Frankl
Now for the even bigger news. Even though I know its not really any of their business, out of respect, both Nathan and I feel we need to inform our in-laws on the most recent change in our lives. Nathan and I are expecting. Yes! I am pregnant...3 months, the baby is due February 14/2014.
We are extremely happy to have this beautiful addition... but its another complicated scenario. How will people react? Will people understand that we still love and miss our late spouses, or is this something that proves to them that we forgot all about them? Should that even matter to us?
Oh, the uncertainties can emerge this quickly... but we stand strong for each other and for our family.... but how do we break the news gently to our in-laws?...especially when they are finally warming up to our situation? I know it still must sting to hear Jack call Nathan 'daddy' as it must sting for Steph's parents to hear Rya and Reid call ME 'momma'... but deep down in their hearts, I am sure they understand how special it is at the same time.
In my previous blog, I mentioned that Craig and I wanted to have 4 children. I never imagined it happening this way for me, but with Nate's 2, and my 1, and ours together, I will have my 4. :)
I will have 4 children from 2011-2014. Becoming a mother has changed me for the better, and has taught me a lot about myself, I have grown spiritually and mentally (and now physically once again) and have surprised myself. Being a mother to children that aren't yours biologically is quite a bit different than it is with your own blood, but I love them all the same. I know that this new baby will grow in a truly wonderful environment, full of lessons on life and love.
wish me luck, and feel welcome to give suggestions on how to break the news.
May you find peace as you heal.