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I just lost my husband of 33 years on November 2 and my daughter and my only granddaughter moved to Boise I'D they won't be here this Christmas because everyone used the time to come and help take care of my husband. So today on the phone I asked if they would come and spend Christmas with me next year and she told me no. Mind you her husbands parents also live in Boise. Just literally broke my heart all over again. What is wrong with kids these days I was so looking forward to next Christmas because it would be fun to have Christmas with my only grandchild. How do I handle this the tears are pouring

Brenda

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Comment by North54 on December 22, 2013 at 5:12am

I understand what people are saying about not planning too far ahead. For me however, it was how I managed. Having something to look forward too got me through many days and nights. If plans got cancelled it didn't matter, the biggest plan of my life had just been destroyed and shattered. One chapter in the book Widow to Widow dealt with trying to have something to look forward too and that became my mantra. Just another view..different strokes for different folks . Hugs Brenda..hoping you find something to look forward too and peace this Christmas.

Comment by Morgana (Janet) on December 22, 2013 at 4:28am

Brenda, it is still so fresh and raw for you both.  Next year is too far away to really make plans.  It takes time for the pain to ease.  Things change, people change, family and friends change and all we can do is do the best we can.  I am much farther out than you and this is my third Christmas without my husband.  It's different this year than in the past as the Christmas spirit just isn't there.  Be gentle with yourself.  Sending (((Hugs))) your way.

Comment by shell on December 22, 2013 at 3:54am

Brenda I seem to be asking the same question what is wrong with kids or maybe I need to ask what did I do wrong?  I am further along than you my husband died January 2nd but I expected things to be different with my son and his wife that live close by. They have 2 children and they spend most of the holidays with her family. I just thought this year would be different,(because it is the 1st without his dad), but my son said we could get together Christmas eve we could meet be together from 530-7 then they would need to leave to meet up with her family to spend the next 4 days with them.  I just said no sense cramming in Christmas in an hour and a half  just to have it done. So sad, to think that this is how it is. I suppose I should learn not to expect things than I won't be disappointed and maybe I have to realize that this is not all about me.. Life just doesn't skip a beat for some. I wish that I could feel different but would just like to disappear most days. Sorry I'm not much help to you on this one as I'm asking the same question. Hoping like Sue said maybe time will allow a different perspective. I'm coming up on a year and still waiting. Hugs to you

Comment by only1sue on December 21, 2013 at 9:44pm

Brenda, my heart goes out to you.  It seems like you give up everything to look after a loved one and in the end that includes your own family.  I don't have an answer except let time pass, time does heal a lot of wounds and allows people see life from a different perspective.

Comment by laurajay on December 21, 2013 at 4:01pm

Brenda.  If you lost your husband just last month  the pain is very fresh for you and your daughter. Sounds like you are saying she left Boise to come help you to take care of her dad before he died.  Has been very short time she was there with you.  With a family of her own living in another city you must remember  she did not desert you when you needed her most!  Families are scattered these days  and though you love her and your granddaughter  you need to realize,  as I have,  that we cannot have our way  now.  Things have changed.   You need grieving time and so does she.  Why not plan now for a short visit to see her and her family  in Boise  away from where you are now   your Next Christmas which is very far away.  There will be many changes  and hopefully you will feel better with passing time.  Loneliness is now with us always as  widows whose children are not nearby.  Go ahead and cry.  Your pain is very strong now and Christmas always  makes feelings  more intense.  Lean into it  as it is normal.  Maybe you could plan a short visit there in the spring  after the season changes again.  Maybe to take granddaughter  shopping  or if she is little  bake  and take things to have a little tea party with her.There are some delightful books on tea parties for little girls.  Take her one or more.  I went into a NBT mode with mine  (next best thing) when our times together could not be what I wanted. Lots of adjustment ,  Brenda.   As a new grandmother  when my 8 yr old grand  was my one and only  I remember what you are feeling.  You are still loved  by your daughter  but you raised her to be on her own  and she is...rejoice that she is capable and self-sufficient.   Work at compromise  to keep yourself in contact with your grand.   This is a doable  thing  and I wish you peace in finding a workable  solution.  I also suggest  not to plan things too far ahead  right now  cause  they could and would probably change..  peace of Christmas to you.    laurajay

Comment by North54 on December 21, 2013 at 3:54pm

Hugs Brenda I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling over Christmas. I am not sure how far your daughter lives from you. What I have found is it is much easier for my son and dil if I travel there for the holidays. Perhaps that is something you could plan for next year. Much easier for us grammas to pack our 1 bag than for them trying to pack everything they need for a little one and themselves. In my case it is also 3 grandchildren. Hopefully something you and your daughter can discuss. 

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