I’m wondering if anyone else goes through life trying to connect the dots? If anyone else out there looks at the weeks or months leading up to their person’s death and tries to see a pattern or warnings that they might have missed the first time in an attempt to keep it from happening again? Then again-maybe it’s just my special brand of crazy talking here. My deep desire for some sort of logic or understanding or feeble idea of control around the uncontrollable. Either way, this week I find myself in a rather freaked out position as many things are eerily similar to the year that John died.
I just recently moved into a new work position that is very similar to the position I held and was new in for only a few weeks before John died. As a matter of fact, not only is the position similar, my current cubical is right next to the cube I had when John died. The other similarity is that I obtained this position in late summer, it is early summer now but it is still a very similar time frame.
Then here is the fact that it’s that time of year for me when I get all my check-ups, such as yearly womanly dr. appointments and general physicals as well. So I’m just now finishing those things up and it feels very similar to that same time frame.
The biggest of most eerie similarity is that two people somewhat close to those I love have died in the last week and two of my friends have had big baby news this week- that is the exact same as it was in 2012 when John died. Two somewhat removed deaths and two closer to me friend’s baby news, actually it’s the same friends with numbers three and four baby news now. So, weird, so nerve racking.
Looking at that all it freaks me out. I remember thinking in 2012, these things come in threes after the two deaths, who’s going to lose someone next? And only a very short time later I received the call that John had died.
So I am emotionally gasping right now for air, frantic at the similarities and desperately trying to talk myself down and away from believing that all of that means it is all the same now and that someone close to me or that I myself will die soon. Does this make sense to anyone else? Maybe not to an outsider, but for me, I am still trying to connect the dots around a part of my life that still makes me shake my head and think seriously? That really happened? And all I can answer back to myself is, ‘it really happened. What the hell?!’
So here I am. Late at night grappling with the circle and the dots and the lines and hoping that the picture made isn’t imminent disaster. I watched a show tonight and the couple bought their “forever” house. They waxed on and on about how their children would grow up there, that prom pictures would happen on the stairs and wedding photos would someday be taken there and instead of being happy for them I said out loud to nobody but my dog, “life must not have beat you down very hard yet”
I said and thought that not because I’m mean, but because my reality is nothing close to that, and honestly never really has been. But before John died, I did believe I might have a chance at that happy ever after- no matter how slim a chance- I at least thought there was a chance for the long, happy life with someone I loved.
But I never think those things anymore, that there could be a happy ever after. I never think that for years and years I could plan on being in one place or with all of those I love safely next to me, content and all okay. All of those illusions were torn away when John died. Knowing keenly just how fragile we all are can be a harsh place to live and not one many would choose over the happy ever after scenario.
That’s the reality I live in, scared, fearful of it all being ripped away again from me or from those I love. And it’s a hard place to be. When I tell people about this they say, “just don’t think that way”, but how can I not when it’s a reality I’ve lived through, a reality that in many ways I’m still trying to absorb.