It is funny the contradiction I have become. I complain about routines being messed up or being painful, and wanting to change things up. But then I want the routine to be there when I am ready for it. Yesterday I found out that a restaurant my wife and I went to frequently was filing Chapter 11. This place is one of the oldest memories I have of taking my wife to dinner. Yes they are a chain but I was a student and could only afford so much. I freaked out a little bit about this break. My wife and I had TV shows that we watched each year, staples of our day and consistent characters in our lives. A couple of our favorite shows are being canceled this year and again I was not happy. Someone was taking away more of our things so I didn't even have them to fall back on. This weekend I went grocery shopping, still the most painful experience I have to deal with on a regular basis, and I found that the bread we had been buying for lunch for the last 7 years was being discontinued and changed. STOP messing with my life, keep things the same for a while. I almost left my cart in the aisle and left right then but I needed the other things in the carriage. I want some new routines that aren't the same, but I want the routines. I want my cake and I am going to eat it too.
To top this off, as I was going through the store, where I found out they had changed my bread so it isn't even the same product anymore, I saw on the shelf something my wife would have loved. A new product that she would have wanted me to buy her. I reached up to grab it before reminding myself, I wouldn't eat it so I shouldn't buy it. It was sitting right there next to things i needed, waiting for me to arrive to taunt me. Where were you 10 months ago when she could have had some? Thank God for self check. I was in such a mood that if I had to talk to the checkout lady I would probably have had to be escorted from the store. All this over a bag of chocolate covered almonds? Triggers and Contradictions are my new traits. Don't step there, there be land mines.
I try real hard not to punish those around me for my unstable moods. I try to leave the facade up until I get home and can remove the mask. But I have to say the facade is tiring, the mask is heavy, and sometimes the other person needs to be put in their place. My wife was always immensely patient with others, I always had her there to reign me in when I was about to be triggered. Now I only have myself to try to yank my own chain, but how can someone know that something I have always done, is no longer what I want, or that something I have always bought but may have been the only person buying it, is something I expect to stay the same just because? Contradiction is an evil thing because you can't plan for it. When you step the same place you have 100 times before but suddenly your foot goes through the floor, this is not something you expect. I feel like I am stepping through floors often or that someone has put up detour signs and I don't know how to get to my destination that way.
When I really think about it though, I no longer know what my destination is. Ha now there is a contradiction, I am heading somewhere and try to keep my navigation going straight toward it, but I don't know where I am going. I guess for now it is keep sailing ahead until you know and are ready to change then steer the craft toward its new harbor.