A rainy day in Port Bruce with my new love.
Hmmm... I'm not entirely sure how this blog is going to go...I am sort of free writing here. I am feeling so much, and on crazy levels...deep,... unfathomably deep levels. On every end of the spectrum.
1) beyond bereaved-the sudden loss of my sweet husband & best friend Craig.
2) beyond sadness-the fact that my son also suffers this loss-I expect to always feel this way.
3) beyond anger- @ the drunk driver for taking Craig's life-I am still dealing with the court case for this...so this emotion is constantly coming and going as it pleases...
4) guilt- that I am living, and Craig is not.
5) joy- that I can feel life again... & I love that I am enjoying life-even with the guilty feeling above^^phewf
6) heavy-hearted- when thinking about my old life with Craig, and the things he is missing out on now
7) relief- that love can happen after such a tragic/horrific loss
8) beyond thankful- for the man in that photo, who proves to me how great love can feel again.
9) way beyond enthusiasm- for the continuation of my life. for him and I. the possible future.
With the crazy bag of mixed emotions, one may wonder, why start dating?
I say, why not?
It definitely helps, that my boyfriend is also a widower (if you didn't already recognize him from the pic) so he understands the 'baggage' that I carry along...but it goes beyond that.
FACT-I am young, 27, so it's, I suppose the 'natural' thing to do. I am also a young mother, so it's a bonus to have a male role model in my son's life... so why not? Even bigger bonus, he's a father, he understands the limitations of dating due to parenting.
This is unlike any other type of dating I have ever experienced. With this particular relationship, it takes a lot of hard work and commitment--wait, then again, what relationship does not? Luckily we are both open to love, and it feels so right, so far. We started dating before our dreaded one year mark, both have children, and pets, and distance... but even factoring all of that in, we keep on building this beautiful, remarkable, outstanding relationship, ---one like no other.
There's chemistry, attraction, passion, compassion, understanding, communication, excitement, and love... yes, there is indeed, LOVE.
Each and every time we get to spend with one another whether it's with our kids, dogs, family, or alone, it just keeps on getting better and better.
I feel like this is sounding too easy and may be coming off 'fluffy'. For the skeptics out there, or even for the ones that want to find and feel love again... I feel I owe it to you to be fully and completely honest.
I do love Nathan. He is remarkable. He is everything that I look for in a man and in a partner. He is not only the type of person that I look for in a partner, but he is the exact person that I didn't think I'd ever find.
Some may ask, 'how can you say that after marrying and losing the love of your life? what about him, was he not the exact person you wanted to end up with?"
My answer to that is simply, yes, of course. Craig was definitely the person that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, and that is exactly the reason we got married. Unfortunately his life ended. I am honoured to not only have known him, but to also be his wife! I know that we lived out our vows until the end. :)
sacred and bitter sweet.
Stumbling upon my new love was unexpected and it floors me everyday that we can connect on such an intimate level. He's in the North, and I am in the South...so we communicate by the phone, through texts or by email. I love the slow start...but it does get lonely.
Unfortunately when I get lonely, I think of my Craig. I say 'unfortunately' because thinking of Craig brings me back to the loss, and that makes me sad. I associate the feeling of loneliness with my late husband, but it does bring on a huge depressing, low feeling... my thoughts run rapid at this time and I hate being in this place. Craig hits galore!! When this starts to happen, usually my son is in bed and I turn to meditation and yoga...tonight, I turn to widowvillage and this blog post. I hope one day I won't be reminded of the loss so much, but of the love.
My boyfriend is on a canoe trip up North and I won't be able to hear from him for a week... one week is no big deal right? I mean come on, I've spent the last 10 months without Craig... I know this feeling well enough, I can handle it.
I have to laugh at that because it's only day one and I am missing him like crazy!!! His voice, his laugh, the way he pronounces certain words, ----and that's just over the phone! BOY it feels good to love a real live person!
Do I compare the 2 ever? no... not entirely. They have things in common, but they are 2 totally different people. I can't really even compare the love that I feel for the 2 of them either, because I am finding that my love for Nathan is something almost beyond what I had with Craig. Like, we are reaching avenues of love that we had no idea existed, and I don't think we could ever reach those places if we hadn't ever experienced the love and loss of our late loves.
Recently he has met some of my family members. 10 minutes after meeting him, my uncle sends me a text message
"Holy fuck! I don't really know how tough it
is to move on after the tragic loss of your one
and only, but I hope Nate is the one to bring
you back to earth! Not just because him and
I have things in common but I really think in
the 10 min I had with him, he is a genuine,
kind hearted, loving guy. I hope things work
out for you guys. you have both been through
some tough times! I'm tearing up as I say this
but I will never forget CHIT, he too was the
absolute best and awesome to be around! I
love you Stacy and when I see you happy, makes
me happy. So nice to see a real smile on your
face. Keep your chin up we will talk later!!
I cry every time I read that. My uncle really isn't the sentimental, emotional type. This really cements it for me. It really shows me how much my family supports me, and how well my new love is excepted by the people I love most.
I am making the right choices.
Dating after the loss of your husband is not easy. I am not pretending that it is. I am just so fortunate and lucky that I found the right one, the second time. I honestly, and truly feel that way. I wouldn't be posting it otherwise.
I don't feel guilty by being in a new relationship.
I do not feel guilty for falling in love, or being in love with some one new.
Love feels good.
I only feel guilty that Craig can't be alive. ya know? does that make sense?
Sounds crazy, but I know Chit would be proud of me. I know he'd like my choice of mate, and be happy that I'm happy. Or maybe I am just saying that to make myself feel good, LOL> but I know my husband, and I know if there was a 'spirit him' out there...he'd be proud. :)
I guess in conclusion, dating after losing brings you back to finding again.
I've found something special.
I do however have to add... the photo above was taken on one of his visits to see me. In Port Bruce. My husband and I used to go to this beach at least once a week ever since we moved to the area. We would walk the dogs down by the shore and grab a bite to eat at the 'corner view cafe'. Nate mentioned that it was odd that it was the closest beach to me, yet the one that I haven't showed him. sub-consciously, right as he said that I knew the reason. It wasn't until the end of the visit that I built enough inner courage to bring him there. Much to my surprise I loved every second of it, and didn't miss my husband at all. That moment right there, that morning in Port Bruce sealed the deal for me.
He even kissed me right at the corner view cafe, a place that my husband and I went to every Tuesday, ...a place where they knew our orders, and our dogs names... in that other life...but there I stood, with my tall, strapping boyfriend, proud as could be, with my son on my back!
Life can be good. It can be that good.