January 20th, 2012, will mark the ONE year anniversary of my husband's death. I am writing now as I am feeling myself slowly going down hill and filled with much anger, which is new for me.
This year has been the worst year of my life in every way possible. I have experienced all of the 'firsts' except the big one coming up on the 20th and have to say that I cannot imagine that all of those dates will not continue to be difficult days in my life. They will always be meaningful dates to me.
I just cannot come to terms with the fact that my husband died (and should not have, which is another huge issue I am simultanelously dealing with) and that he is never coming back to me.
The last few nights I have found myself sobbing and yelling out at him for leaving me here alone. While I look/act like a strong woman and I usually am, my husband knew how much I needed him in my life. I just cannot understand why he would not come back for me? Why would he let me suffer like this without him if he really truly loved me like I thought he did? After almost one year, it saddens me to say that I still wish that today would be my last day on this earth and that I could start my journey to find and be with my loved one. I am not even sure if I actually believe that we will be reunited in another life, but I believe that his spirit is circling me now and that it will be too late if I wait to find him after the first year!
I had hoped to serve as an inspiration to many of you more recent widows and write about how life does get better. Well, the gut wrenching horror does get better but sadly that is as far as it has come for me.
I am a goal oriented person, but this process of grief has no timeframe to strive for, no benchmarks to try and meet...it is a roller coaster of emotions at best. Does the pain ever end? or disapate?
It is not my intent to bring any more pain to any of you as I know you are all struggling. I just wanted to share my fear of the 20th with the people I know who understand how very difficult this day will be for me! No one else other than YOU will know how much pain I am in and how sad that day will be for me. Thankfully we have this place to come and vent and hope to find some answers from other like minded people.
Thank you for listening and I hope 2012 brings much joy and happiness to all of you!