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Days Before The ONE Year Anniversary of the Death of My Husband

January 20th, 2012, will mark the ONE year anniversary of my husband's death. I am writing now as I am feeling myself slowly going down hill and filled with much anger, which is new for me.

This year has been the worst year of my life in every way possible. I have experienced all of the 'firsts' except the big one coming up on the 20th and have to say that I cannot imagine that all of those dates will not continue to be difficult days in my life. They will always be meaningful dates to me.

I just cannot come to terms with the fact that my husband died (and should not have, which is another huge issue I am simultanelously dealing with) and that he is never coming back to me.

The last few nights I have found myself sobbing and yelling out at him for leaving me here alone.  While I look/act like a strong woman and I usually am, my husband knew how much I needed him in my life.  I just cannot understand why he would not come back for me?  Why would he let me suffer like this without him if he really truly loved me like I thought he did? After almost one year, it saddens me to say that I still wish that today would be my last day on this earth and that I could start my journey to find and be with my loved one. I am not even sure if I actually believe that we will be reunited in another life, but I believe that his spirit is circling me now and that it will be too late if I wait to find him after the first year!

I had hoped to serve as an inspiration to many of you more recent widows and write about how life does get better.  Well, the gut wrenching horror does get better but sadly that is as far as it has come for me. 

I am a goal oriented person, but this process of grief has no timeframe to strive for, no benchmarks to try and meet...it is a roller coaster of emotions at best. Does the pain ever end? or disapate?

It is not my intent to bring any more pain to any of you as I know you are all struggling. I just wanted to share my fear of the 20th with the people I know who understand how very difficult this day will be for me! No one else other than YOU will know how much pain I am in and how sad that day will be for me. Thankfully we have this place to come and vent and hope to find some answers from other like minded people.

Thank you for listening and I hope 2012 brings much joy and happiness to all of you!

Abby

 

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Comment by moosemama3(Renee) on February 5, 2013 at 6:42am

((((((((ABBY)))))))) I am not far behind you...so many of us had a rough beginning to our 2012 year.  

Comment by Marsha on January 6, 2012 at 6:51pm

Thank you Abby. Had thought about taking day off of work just in case. Now looks like I will go to work. Having work done on house so cabinets being worked on Jan. 17 & 18th. So hopefully too busy to get too down. Have read blogs and other comments regarding 1st anniversary. Anticipation of day worse than actual day. Think there is truth in that. Have to get over his birthday, Jan. 10th, the surgery, Jan. 17th & dealth Jan. 19th. Finding it hard to believe I have made it one year. Lots of memories and knowing we were together this time last year. Wish we had talked more. Just didn't know our time was almost over. Will keep moving forward though. Big big hugs to you! Sure we may run into each other on chat on the 19th and 20th. Take care.

Comment by Abby on January 6, 2012 at 12:09pm

Marsha: I will be thinking of you on the 19th. I am so terrified of how the anniversary date will be for me. I don't know what to do that day? Part of me wants to spend the day in bed but I know that will be the worst thing I can do. I think that I will go to the gym for an extra long workout and then come home and curl up with my dog.  Have you thought about what you will do that day?  Good luck with whatever you choose to do and know that we are all here for you!

Big big hugs!

Abby

Comment by Marsha on January 5, 2012 at 8:02pm

(((((Abby))))) I know how you feel. My first anniversary will be January 19th. Thank you for sharing and being honest. It's the only way we can keep moving on. I will be thinking of you on the 20th. WV is here for you.

Comment by Lisa ( Marielee) on January 4, 2012 at 10:15pm

Abby, Hang on! I am at 16 months and it was a relief to get through all of the firsts. I don't know if it gets "easier" but somehow the pain isn't as sharp. I am holding on to the good memories in spite of all of the pain and sadness. Glad you came here to share and vent. This is a good place to do that. Blessings and love to you this coming year. Lisa

Comment by dazed on January 4, 2012 at 8:21pm

I have read your comments the past year and have felt your pain and prayed for you.  If you could go back, you would see how far you've come since you first posted here. You HAVE been an inspiration to me.   Sometimes the anger is what we need to keep fighting.  Don't give up the fight Abby.  You have a lot to give to the people on this website and to the people in the world.  My husband passed away 2.5 years ago.  Can't believe it has been that long.  I just wanted you to know that the grief journey will get easier for you.  You will still have good days and bad days but eventually the good days will outnumber the bad. I am finally feeling a measure of peace and joy in my life.  I never thought that would happen.  I am beginning to have a curiosity about what the world has in store for me in my future.  May God bless you during 2012 and may you find the strength to keep moving one foot in front of the other until you turn a corner and start walking toward your new life.   

Comment by rodsgurl09 on January 4, 2012 at 6:48pm

Abby...(((hugs))) sharing your own pain does not bring any more to the rest of us, please don't feel that way. We all do understand how incredibly difficult it's going to be. I am still unable to grasp that Rodney is not coming back, too, I feel you on that one. Sometimes I just stare into his closet, at his clothes just where he left them, and even after 6 months I still feel it must be all a bad dream. Surely he's coming back? Surely he wouldn't just leave me here?? The thing is....bogie is right, they haven't left us by choice. And I have to believe that we will be reunited in another life, I HAVE to, or I will never survive this. Abby, it will never be too late to find him, he will always be there waiting for you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers in the coming days.

Comment by bogie77 (Donna) on January 4, 2012 at 5:00pm

Abby, I  just went through the first anniversary of losing my husband on New Year's Eve.  It was the worst milestone yet. 

I am optimistic, though, that now that I have survived all of the firsts, this next year will be better.  I've done the "grief work" as they call it.  I've gone to every class and support group I can join through our local hospice.  That  has helped a lot.

I, too, can't believe he's gone and yet he is and I know he is.  He can't come back.  I get that.  But I also spend nights crying and yelling into the dark house, wondering how he could have left me here without him.  But then I realize that it wasn't really his idea.  He didn't chose to have cancer or to have an uncurable kind.  No one asked him if he wanted it.  He just got it.  And it wasn't something he caused himself.  It just  happened.  That's life.  And I have to learn to live with that.  I occasionally remind myself that he would want me to move forward with my life, even if it is without him.  His family even tells me that. 

It helps to have family and friends.  Do you have a good support system?

My family & friends tell me how strong I am and I know that I'm strong.  But there have been times in the last year where I thought this might beat me.  Now I think I can beat it.  I will get through this.  I won't be the same person when I do, though.  I have changed a lot in the last year.  I've had to do more on my own and without him.  I've taken on his responsibilities, in addition to my own.  I've got wonderful family & friends who have helped me work on finishing some of his projects.  But on the day-to-day stuff, it's still all on me.  Sometimes it can be too much.  When it does, I just back off and take a break.  The projects, bills, laundry, etc. will still be here waiting for me tomorrow or the next day when I feel better able to take care of them. 

Just remember that this journey of grief ebbs and flows.  It's not a straight line to the finish.  There are good days and bad.  As long as you can enjoy the good days and prepare yourself for the bad ones, you will get through this.  And places like this certainly help! 

Donna

Comment by Joe's Jenn on January 4, 2012 at 3:51pm

Abby I'm sending you hugs!!  

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