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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I used to be just a normal lady from the relatively younger generation.

When my life was completed with a loving husband, I browsed facebook almost immediately when I woke up to check on friends' status/pics. I uploaded pics or updated about my humble, happy life with my husband and my 2yo occasionally. Life was good.

Since my husband passed in January this year, all I have been browsing are blogs written by widows/widowers and lately Widowed Village.


Before cancer took my husband away, at night after we put baby to sleep, I picked up my books to read and to wind down my days. Lately all I have been reading are blog posts and comments from other widows/widowers.

I hate facebook now. I don't want to see my friends' happy families and how much life and happiness they share there. I used to have my own happy family, too! My healthy and good looking husband, our cute 2yo, and me looking pretty and happy, our family was simply a perfect one. We just came back from a 5-week vacation from Asia shortly before our life crumbled down to pieces. Is my husband's death even real? I guess that has to be as I have his cremains sitting right next to my laptop at the moment.

I can't even comprehend what is going on in my life. I hate this life, and I even hate myself. I feel being pampered and loved by my husband = I killed him. If I did more for him, maybe he would have lived.

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Comment by Doug02122014 on February 24, 2016 at 4:22am
KayeL,

Sorry for your loss.

Hey take it easy on yourself, you didn't do anything wrong. Cancer SUCKS & you had nothing to do with him contracting this miserable disease.

All your comments about FB are right on. We did have it all and now we are left picking up the pieces. This group, my new family, and possibly your new family too are here to help each other navigate through this hitteous journey.

Spend your FB time on this site posting and reading others journey's. I discovered that there are "veterans in grief" on here (myself included now) who are reaching out to others like what was done for us when we 1st. were widowed. Read what advice is given then decide for yourself if it is right for your situation. People before me and you have found a way out of the most painful grief and we can too.

Stick with us.

Doug
Comment by sunfeathers on February 18, 2016 at 5:43am

      My heart breaks for you in the loss of your husband. I think your feelings are very valid.   I suspect you are much younger than I, but your post spoke to me.   I lost my husband after 35 years of happy marriage.   We had the rest of our lives ahead of us.  Our children are grown and happy, we had bought an old stone house to renovate as our retirement home.  We were awesome DIY partners.  Travel plans, we had quite a few of those also.

      I have constantly thought what should I have done different,  why did God take him when he had so much to offer the world.   I even begged God to take me instead and spare my husband since he had so much more to offer humankind as a health professional.   The knowledge he took to Heaven was mind boggling.

      I look around at the unfinished projects in our home that had to be abandoned last fall.  I look at his newly built garage and shop, built last winter, that my husband never got to enjoy.   I have had constant doubts about my ability to carry on with our dreams.  

      My husband despised FB, but I am on it daily, I have a business page (necessary) and a personal page.  A lot of posts do hurt and remind me of what I have lost.  I struggled with it a lot in the past three months but I finally decided to try to be happy for my family and friends in their joys and accomplishments.   I don't post as much as I used to, mainly about animals, art and cooking.    

     Art has been my sanity, whether I am teaching, learning or painting alone in my "zone".    My husband told me, near the end, that he wanted me "to live my life".     I intend not to let him down and want him to look down from Heaven and be proud of me.

     Grieving is very personal and there is no set pattern or time frame.   My grief counselor finally convinced me that I needed to do what was best for me on any particular day and not worry about what other people thought.  I am also reading "The Saturday Night Widows" and have found comfort in those pages also.   

     Please get in touch if you need to talk about your grief journey. You are not alone.......

Comment by Callie2 on February 17, 2016 at 6:59pm
I offer my condolences on the loss of your husband. The feelings you express are all quite normal, I know I remember feeling the same way. Although your grief journey has just begun, please believe that one day, life will be good again. It takes time and you will have to be very patient with yourself as you navigate the path towards healing. He was sick and it was the illness that took his life--nothing you did or could have done would have changed that. I hope you are able to get all the support and comfort you need during this time. Hugs to you...
Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on February 17, 2016 at 4:07pm

Kayel,  Very sorry for your loss. It's completely understandable that you would avoid all that "happy" overkill on Facebook.  I too, went through a period when I just could not look at other people being happy.  Grief is all encompassing.  It's exhausting, It's so unpredictable.  It's only natural for humans to seek out those who can understand what they are going through.  Of course you are reading widow blogs, comments, etc. We search for meaning and for shared experience.  On the second matter, the "hating yourself" and guilt feelings are also something that I, and many others here have felt.  But hear this...you are in NO WAY responsible for your husband's death.  You may not be able to acknowledge this right now, but it is the truth.  Try to be gentle with yourself (hard as it may be).  Try to take care of yourself as if you are caring for a friend who was feeling the way you are.  How would you care for a friend in your situation.  Give her time alone?  Tell her to take a hot bubble bath? Make sure she eats?  Take her somewhere quiet and beautiful to be quiet with herself? Think about how you would treat a friend, and then do your best to treat yourself that way.  I'm not saying I did that well, but I am saying that I wish I had. 

Comment by Jess on February 17, 2016 at 8:24am

Hi KayeL.  You did no such thing, you are not responsible for his death.  He lived his life loving you, his choice to love you did no harm to him....it gave him joy to take care of you.  I look in the mirror and find myself asking who this person is and at times not liking her but then I realize that I am still young and able to make good of the life I have left.  I will not have the same life I would have with him but life might surprise me and give me enough to one day die and say..... "Thank God for the gifts that followed after my husband died because they were not bad at all.....I made it!!"

I took our daughter to a special camp for children who lost a parent, sibling, or grandparent.  During this weekend long camp I saw all these children joined together by the same type of loss and it was humbling to witness their attitudes.  I am sure that they hurt, I am sure that they miss, I am sure that they want to wake up from all this but I also saw how resilient children are, they are able to face the same fears we have but with more positive outlooks.  My daughter is my little hero. 

I have been off facebook since he died in October.... best thing I could do. When I am ready I will once again join social media but for now all my strength and energy is focused on healing, figuring things out, praying, taking care of my kids, breathing, so many things we do and do not realize that they all mean that we are alive! I know it will get better for you, four months for me now and at least I am not rolling around the bathroom floor in agony...progress.  Four months now and I am not leaving my hand marks on the steering wheel from holding on tight and screaming....progress.  Four months now and I am holding on to the things that bring me comfort and realizing that this is me now, I don't like it but hey what other choice do I have.  Be gentle with yourself KayeL, I kept reading this statement and now I know why.

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