Many times a week someone will tell me how strong I am, how well I'm taking care of my boys or how encouraged they are by me that I have kept going. I smile and say thank you but inside I feel like a complete and utter failure. Am I the only one?
I feel like my family is broken up. I try so hard to stay close to my boys but sometimes I feel like they resent that it's me that's still here. They were so close to their father that I sometimes felt like an outsider and now they are stuck with the one they have nothing in common with. My oldest has Aspergers (HFA) which makes conversation hard anyway but now it's almost impossible. My youngest doesn't want to do anything that is not on the XBOX. They both try to escape into the video games they played with their Dad.
I am trying my best but it doesn't seem like enough or good enough. I know some of it is in my head, as I write this I realize we miss the unity and balance that our family had. My husband was a good man and father, we are missing that and I don't know how to compensate for that missing piece. Feeling incomplete highlights everything wrong in your life.