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First visit to the Grave
Finally went this morning.

Been talking about it for months.
Trying to figure out the perfect day
the right people to go with
the right time of daY

i just decided last night.
i had not had too much too drink (rare these days)
and went to bed early, and had decided
i would get up early and just go
and so i did

i gased up
i went by kroger and got roses
i drove thru mcdonalds and got a sausage biscuit breakfast and coffee so i wouldn't have a low blood sugar episod

got there in 35 minutes.
early in the morning on sunday
houston traffic is light
most are sleeping it off

it hot, humid and sticky
then to find the site
that took 20 minutes
Houston National Cemetery is under construction, so i had a dard time.
dragonflies fill the air, flitting from marker to marker..dancing to some unheard song
i drive around and around until i finally figure out the right road to tak it is the newest section..and unpaved.

finally, i come to the U section.
i know you are here
i approach slowly, walking past the freshly laid graves, some so new the grass has not grown over them yet
some have the decayed flowers from a service held 3 weeks ago
i walk slowly, checking each marker, reading the names and then
looking at the back of the markers for numbers to see how close i am

i find it. the row. this is it.  i see the row number and grave number i am looking for
i take a deep breath and respectfully, lightly tread through the row until i find yours
Here it is.

Here, the headstone, like all the rest, sits quietly.  it has your name.
First, middle, last.
Pvt.  US Marine Corp, Vietnam
Date of birth, Date of death
Semper Fi
Loving Father

I am not upset that it doesn't say "beloved husband of alison" but i am determined to find out if i can add that, or a marker or something.

I sit.  I cry.  I talk to you and tell you how much i miss you, and how difficult it is for meto try to act "normal".  How i'm trying a djust and accept, but that it is very, very hard.
I tell you how much i love you.  I say some private things and forgive, and ask forgiveness.  

I tell you all the mundane things that are happening, and laugh a little at what would be your reply.

i take the roses i have brought (there are no flower holders in the bin) and break them off and place them on either side of the headstone..

i take a picture.  i wonder why i am doing this.  i do not know only i want it to look at to remind me, that
you are here, in the cemetery.  i need this reality. this hard truth. to help me to know that you really are gone.  that i won't be seeing you again until i die..whenever that is.

Because it is too easy..to fantasize..and imagine our future together..that will never be..will never come.

it is too easy..to live in my memories..and agonize over the loss of them.

i must remind myself constantly that my life as i knew it is no longer real.  this is the truth of my life now.
a stone..a name engraved...on a stone.

and so..i say "goodbye for now".  i leave..i drive home.  and i know that i must find a way to live again. not to forget you, but to live again.  there is no way i will forget you. ever.

and i drive away..to my life again.

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Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on June 28, 2012 at 3:56pm

thanks for the notes. i appreciate it.  yeah Suz..its not only that Paul is gone..but "our" life is gone. the life i knew no longer exists..and it all happens in an instant. it's so much sometimes to handle.

Comment by Suz on June 25, 2012 at 3:09pm

Ali,

Thank you. That gave me a huge gut punch right in the center of my emotion. I feel like that so many days, like the life with Jud is gone, I won't forget him, but I am driving away to my life again. Thank you for putting your thoughts into words. So many of them are my thoughts, too.

Hugs,

Suz

Comment by bad ass widow on June 25, 2012 at 1:38pm

(((Hugs))) to you Ali

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