Fitting in

Comment

Comment by sofine4952 on February 3, 2012 at 2:39pm

AZgal:  I come on here on and off for doses of sharing.  I really know your coulda,woulda,shoulda, you see my husband committed suicide.  It has taken me a long time to realize that we cannot control things sometimes.  You wanted him to live, we all want the people we love too live.  One day at a time, one foot in front of another.

Hugss your way.

Comment by kimkirt (KK) on January 31, 2012 at 9:43am

AZgal. Stay, talk, share. It helps us all. Whether we have had many years or just a few with our lost loved ones. My husband died in his sleep, not sick, no signs. Woke up and found he had died. We had fought the day before. Yeah, we all have that guilt about wishing we had done more. But I know my husband loved me dearly and I know he knew I loved him dearly. Every marriage has fights, so I try to remember that and remember that we had a real deep love for each other that overshadowed everything. Miss him with us. We are here for you.  

Comment by Joyce on January 29, 2012 at 8:29pm

AZgal, everyone fits here and everyone has guilt of some sort; sharing your feelings can be helpful not only for you but you can help someone else here at the same time.  You wanted him to try another chemo out of your love for him.  Hugs and come back again.

Comment by azgal1242 on January 29, 2012 at 7:29pm

Sincere thanks to all for your encouragement regarding fitting in,yes our years together was a  gift, more then what I ever expected from this life. John was diagnosed with prostate cancer5 years ago, however, he choose not to have chemo or rediation, only hormones and monthly infusions for the bones, where it had already spread. Up until june 18th of 2011, he was doing o.k.playing cards with his cronies every day, bus to local casinos with them also, was eating less as he truly loved food(Italian),His PSA kept going up and up, Dr said nothing more could be done, except 4 light dosages of chemo for 1 month which would possibly slow cancer ,He had one session,no effects, following week, another session , became very tired next day and within24 hours had to call paramedics, he couldn't stand up,swallow,severe stomach pains,dehydrated from accute uclerative colitis,asphyxiating all liquids & solids, stayted in hospital till July 2nd, nothing more they could do as his entire body was compromised from chemo and was already in a vulnerable state. He pleaded to come home to die with dignity(his words)Came home under hospice care and passed awayJuly 8th at exactly 12:42 pm surrounded by our sons and friends. His NYC det. shield #is1242 of which he was very proud of, his career with the NYPD, we retired here to Arizona as golf was his 2nd love, me being the 1st,naturally.My guilt comes from a note he had left me the morning  before  2nd chemo"Have a good day and cancel chemo !!!!!!!!"which we discussed that evening and I said,you did'nt have any side affects with the first, so lets keep going to hopefully slow the cancer down......................................shoulda,coulda,woulda

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on January 29, 2012 at 5:10pm

We have all traveled different roads to get here ... but if we had to suffer this loss, Widville is the perfect place to gather.  Check out the Long-Term Illness group where you'll find others who cared for their loved one during a long illness. It's very, very difficult to leave that heavy caregiving behind, I found. Yes, you were blessed with 59 years of marriage ... but it is never enough and it is never time for them to leave us.  And the guilt? Oh my, you'll find many posts here of how we've all felt about that. Please stay with us. Read the posts, share your stories, let us listen and support you.

Comment by MissHIm11 on January 29, 2012 at 4:47pm

Azgal... Please stick around for a little while. I hope you find your place here. This is a wonderful community full of caring people. I see your husband had prostate cancer. Have you connect on the cancer board yet? I too spent a lot of time dealing with guilt over my husband's death. He died from sudden cardiac death. He was 29 and complained of palpitations prior to passing suddenly in our home. I am a nurse practitioner. I don't know HOW IN THE HELL I didn't see it clearer!!! I thought it was just stress. WHY?? Prayers for you! 

Comment by smit09 on January 29, 2012 at 3:25pm

Azgal: Tell us stories about John...sometimes its not about what we contribute to each other based on our wisdoms of widowhood but our memories we have of our late spouse.  My husband died suddenly in a car accident, and I too suffer from guilt... I am sure a different kind, but guilt nonetheless.  He was feeling sick that weekend and was thinking about not going into work and I said "oh suck it up baby, I was sick last week and went to work and Im carrying your child"... I was half kidding around, but also thinking about our finances... eeek. I wish I would have told him to stay home that morning,... I would have taken care of him in bed and nursed him back to health...instead, he went to work and got hit on the way. guilt

Comment by Wanderer530 (Bernie) on January 29, 2012 at 8:37am

Can't put it any better than the wisdom posted by Lisa & Marsha azgal :)

It's good to hear your voice in the community, it fits just perfectly!

Comment by Marsha on January 28, 2012 at 11:52pm

Azgal the guilt seems to be part of the journey. Why I didn't see signs before my husband's illness, the frustration of wondering what he didn't tell me, etc. does no good now. He's gone and I can't change that. The only thing we can do is move forward a minute at a time and a baby step at a time. Every one here contributes and we help each other. When we post we don't know who may benefit from what we have to say and the way we say it may just be what helps someone on this journey. Just by posting this blog you have helped others who also don't feel they fit in and are suffering from guilt. Thank you for your contribution it helps us all. (((((Hugs)))))

Comment by Lisa (lost) Lamb on January 28, 2012 at 11:23pm

One thing I've found here in WV is age, length of time together, illness or how long it's been sense are loss we still have so much to learn from each other. I know I've learned alot from so many here in the 8 months sense I joined. We all feel guilt in one way or another but I think most of it comes more from being the surviving spouse rather then something we did or didn't do. I know that we all love/loved our spouses very much or we wouldn't be here, we all need support and freindship to help with our healing. You do fit in just as much as any of us do. and if you make it to WC maybe I will meet you there.