I thought, staring at that blue coffin that day, was the saddest day of my life....and maybe it was...of my other life...but today, this Christmas morning was the saddest day of my new life. As I sat there surrounded by my Mom and step-dad and my sister and her family....I realized....I am an add-on, an addition to, a tag-a-long. My little family, mine, my own....the family I had given life to, given my heart and soul to....my lifeslong dedication...is gone. My husband is in heaven, my son has moved away....and I could not be more sad. Christmas day is a glorious day to be celebrated and enjoyed. But for me it puts a microscope on what was and what will never be again.
Christmas afternoon my boyfriend and his family came...they are adorable to me and I couldn't be more appreciative. They include me just the same. We had friends and their families....tons and tons of people whom I adore. We ate lunch, we talked, we told stories, played games....full of love and laughter....but its not my family...they include me...they love me and I love them but to them I do not belong.
People invite me to be a part of their family and alot of times I go. Some people no longer include me....this I do not understand. We have a ton of friends and every one of them would take me along with them. They truly keep me going....but it's not mine. Normally i do not sit around and feel sorry for myself but today i do. Today I mourned all over again. Today I felt isolated....today I realized I had become an add-on...