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I thought, staring at that blue coffin that day, was the saddest day of my life....and maybe it was...of my other life...but today, this Christmas morning was the saddest day of my new life.  As I sat there surrounded by my Mom and step-dad and my sister and her family....I realized....I am an add-on, an addition to, a tag-a-long. My little family, mine, my own....the family I had given life to, given my heart and soul lifeslong gone.  My husband is in heaven, my son has moved away....and I could not be more sad. Christmas day is a glorious day to be celebrated and enjoyed.  But for me it puts a microscope on what was and what will never be again. 

Christmas afternoon my boyfriend and his family came...they are adorable to me and I couldn't be more appreciative.  They include me just the same.  We had friends and their families....tons and tons of people whom I adore.  We ate lunch, we talked, we told stories, played games....full of love and laughter....but its not my family...they include me...they love me and I love them but to them I do not belong. 

People invite me to be a part of their family and alot of times I go.  Some people no longer include me....this I do not understand.  We have a ton of friends and every one of them would take me along with them. They truly keep me going....but it's not mine.  Normally i do not sit around and feel sorry for myself but today i do.  Today I mourned all over again. Today I felt I realized I had become an add-on...

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Comment by Hornet (Cindy) on January 8, 2015 at 5:45pm

Susan, you said something that really got to me.."even after 17 months". Seventeen months may have seemed a long time to me before I lost Rick. But now? Huh! Some days I feel as numb as the week I had to bury him. NOW, I know. I know that 17 months is nothing at all. Maybe that's it...time. When you've been knocked to the ground with this kind of loss, there is no time. There is only gut-wrenching grief at first (and then sporadically), disbelief for months or years (for me, anyway), and this not-belonging-anywhere feeling, isn't there? The 'others' just don't get it. But sadly, everyone we know will get it eventually. It's only a matter of...time.

Comment by Susan on January 2, 2015 at 7:35pm

I feel this way all the time so much so that I isolate myself in order to not have to feel it.  I work 70+ hours a week so I am too busy to go to gatherings.  I am the 3rd wheel when I don't want to be a wheel at all.  Its hard enough to get through these holidays when people are afraid to say my husbands name when all I want to do is talk about him. He is still real and still very much a part of my life, I love to talk about the fun we have all had together but no one wants to engage.  I feel like they think I will have a nervous breakdown if they mention his name, Stacey, or they won't know what to do if I get misty eyed even after 17 months.  

Comment by Hornet (Cindy) on December 26, 2014 at 6:47am

EXACTLY. When I am at others' gatherings (no matter what occasion), I feel EXACTLY the same way. Is it me, I wonder?

Why do I feel patronized all of the sudden? I never felt that way when I attended a gathering, whether Rick was with me or not. But he was HERE. I could always go home...where he was. I BELONGED with Rick, and he with me. But since Rick has been gone, I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I feel 'tolerated' by others. But I don't really think it's 'them', I think it's me.

I think it is just what you said, smp1122. I think its because they don't 'belong' to us. 'Ours' is not here anymore. We're just floating around...event to event...uncomfortable in a strange way, suddenly a sense of not belonging even to groups we have known most of our lives.

It is SOOOOO uncomfortable.

Maybe it is still too new...this new skin we are in. Like wool, I suppose. It keeps you warm, but its so damn scratchy. The thought of becoming used to feeling uncomfortable like this is a horrible prospect, isn't it?

Comment by only1sue on December 26, 2014 at 1:27am

I did the same yesterday, this is my third Christmas since Ray died.  I went to a friend's cousins place, definitely did not belong there though they made an effort.  My family all were away, busy, whatever.  My daughter and family came last night and we had dinner together but the joy had gone out of the day.  Maybe there isn't going to be anyone who understands what loneliness is about in the same way we as widows and widowers do and that is just the way it is going to be.

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