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So this is going to be a bit of an odd one I think.  So I am coming up on my 25th anniversary, and I was walking with a friend through the mall.  She roamed off to buy chocolate which didn't surprise me at all :D.  I roamed over to the Lego store.  Now I hear some of you giggling, I know, weird right? Anyway, I walked in and sitting there on the self was a 50th anniversary Apollo Lander with a Lego mission patch.  I tried to turn around and walk out, and I couldn't, I tried not to do it, but I had to.  I bought my wife an Apollo Lander for our anniversary.  My friend heard me say that and said just tell everyone you bought it for yourself, those of us who knew her will know the truth.  But I can't do that.  I have bought now 3 gifts for my wife since she died.  They are going on shelves never to be opened by me.  All of them are Lego or fake Lego kits.  My wife was an Aerospace Engineer by degree but worked as an IT Systems Manager.  She loved putting together space lego kits, mostly shuttles.  Seeing this kit, I just couldn't help it.  I had to have it.  

I wonder if other people have felt compelled to buy something for their late spouse, something that wasn't like flowers to put at their headstone or to remember them by, but an actual thing that would have really been just for them.  I generally manage to stop my desire, I haven't bought any clothing for her, although I have been compelled to consider it a few times, these are things that I can sort of look at and think of her doing.  Things that will make me oddly happy for a moment and also sad that she will never get to build them.  My goal is to fill one floor to ceiling shelf with the kits she has already built and these few boxed kits and stop there.  This will be my display of things, not a shrine but just a place where I keep some special memories and can look at and smile for a moment then pass by.  

Gifts are an odd thing, and it is funny that sometimes the best part is giving them.  While she will never receive these gifts, the best part is that I got them for her, it gives me a moment of peace knowing that if she were still around I would have done exactly this and she would have smiled at me.  She would have laughed at me as I drew parallels to the 50th and 25th we would have been celebrating.  Sure the 50th will be in July but close enough at this rate.  Sometimes drawing forward old memories of interactions with your person is worth a little money at a Lego store :D.  

Keep on keeping on folks.  It is a hard journey but I have faith we all will work our way through it as best we can and maybe with the help of each other. 

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Comment by Tekwriter on July 14, 2019 at 4:36am

I get it. I am a pinterest fan and had a category for my husband. A few weeks ago I ran across a recipe that he would have loved. I couldn't make myself not do it. I saved it for him.

Comment by laurajay on June 18, 2019 at 12:52pm's the  price  of  the  diamonds   LOL    not  much market  out  there for  sentimental  Santas   besides  making  you  happy.   But  Legos  are  ageless and priceless and  Tony's  gifts  will be   heirlooms.   LOL.      From  the  beginning  big  legos to  the  slightly smaller  ones  to  the  tiny  ones  you  step  on  (ouch!)   and  create wondrous creations....   

Tony...if  you're  guessing  I have  a room  just  for  lego  play  are  right. all  three  grands  favorite...   btw  I read  all your  blogs  and  you  are  still grieving  time  your  love  for  Christine  will  find  a  settling  point  in  your  heart  and  mind  and  then  forward  will take a new  direction ...

Comment by pricytapestry on June 18, 2019 at 4:21am

have felt that compulsion, bought my wife a snowman ornament for Christmas, got her a snowman of some sort almost every year. Wasn't going to, was unplanned, but knew I had to when I saw it. You're not alone and I agree it is a gift for us. Why not, we have to be kind to ourselves at this time.

Comment by MidnightBear (Tony) on June 18, 2019 at 3:37am

laurajay - You know it is funny, I am really ready to move forward, I have explored relationships, some didn't work out so well but I am ready to start a new chapter, but that doesn't mean I am willing to close the old one.  My wife, Christine, will always be a part of who I am, she changed me fundamentally over the years and so some of this is holding on to who I am.   So in a way the gift is for me, it is for me to remember who we were together, the things we did together, and to put that on a shelf and just remember it from time to time but to keep it as a tomorrow thing.  And we didn't have children so there won't be grandchildren that are mine.  But who knows, maybe I will get into a relationship with a woman with children and they will come to feel very much like mine in many ways and someday they may have children that want to play with my Legos and I may actually let them.   

Comment by laurajay on June 17, 2019 at 9:46pm

If  you  had  grandchildren   regardless  of  would  hear  a  lot of  begging to  have  a  go  at  any  lego  kits you  brought  home...   One  day   you'll  be  ready  to  move  forward   but  not  yet....not  yet.

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