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“It never dawned on me that if I had a choice I never would have let him go.  So God decides when it’s time for our souls to move forward, when it is time to leave this life.  None of us would simply relinquish our loved ones or ourselves for that matter:  “Okay, God take ‘em away! Good-bye!”  No I don’t see that happening.”  Excerpt from the book “Don’t Kiss Them Good-Bye” by Allison Dubois


She was talking about her father and the anger she was feeling at the funeral and about the little voice that reminded her that she had been given two years to say good-bye to him before he died of a heart attack.  For those who are not familiar with Allison Dubois, she is a medium.  The TV series “Medium” was based on the work she did with the DA’s office in Arizona.  Jim and I used to watch the show and never missed an episode. 


I read that and went “Wow “.  It is a totally new way of looking at the loss of a loved one.  The more I thought about it, the more it made sense.  We would not let go of our loved one if we had a choice.  We would want to keep them with us always but unfortunately, the choice really isn’t ours to make.  It is ultimately God’s decision and not ours.


I think what really caught my attention was the fact that she did not say “move on” but “move forward”.   The following two quotes are also from the book:  “Death is all about falling apart.  You have to fall apart so that you can rebuild yourself.” “The biggest compliment you can pay to people you have loved and lost is to keep a part of them alive in yourself, memorializing the significance.”  These two quotes give me a better understanding of grief and also make it a bit easier to move forward without my husband by my side.


 I have incorporated Jim’s strengths, beliefs and values into who I am today.  I never thought about it but through the years I incorporated my grandmother’s and my dad’s strengths, beliefs and values to become the person I am today.  They have all taught me to love, kindness, compassion, to respect other people, to respect myself, honesty, integrity, and above all that life is all about living it to the best of our abilities.


Grief has taught me that life is so very short.  We are not guaranteed tomorrow.  My grandmother always said “Life’s a hoot, but death is an adventure.”

Peace and hope to all who travel this journey.

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Comment by chez2all on October 15, 2012 at 12:35am

Janet, thank you for sharing this insightful piece with us.  Grief is a very big learning experience for us all, being able to realize that we incorporate others who have influenced us in our lives is a true tribute to the esteem in which they are held.  Thanks for the message of hope, thinking of you

Comment by Suz on October 14, 2012 at 5:28pm


Thank you. This is so unique and thoughtful. I know i will have to read it several times before I really grasp all of it. it gave me some totally new ways of handling this experience. Indeed, we do not have a choice, though I have never thought of that specifically. I do feel I have "fallen apart" after years f being relatively together but now seems like the time to learn now things and put myself together in a stronger way. I love the idea of incorporating parts of our loved one into ourself. I have thought of that with my parents but not with Jud. I lot to ponder and work with.

Big hugs and thanks,


Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on October 14, 2012 at 3:24pm

Thanks Janet for sharing a bit of your inner thought life. Tis true...we would never willingly give them up.

Comment by Morgana (Janet) on October 14, 2012 at 1:46pm

@ Bonnie.  Yes it is and it made me stop and reflect on things that I had not even dared to think about.  This book has been a god send for me because it not only has provided me with food for thought but has made me look at grief in a whole new light.  It made me realize that God may have plans for me but he also had a purpose for Jim when he called him home.  That gives me comfort and the fact that I know he is with me still just not physically.  Things are slowly beginning to make a lot more sense now than they did before.  (((HUGS))) Bonnie and I am honored to call you my friend.

@Blue Snow.  I know where you are coming from.  My three brothers and I had to make the same decision about my father 24 years ago.  It is not an easy decision to make but I believe you did what you felt was right and because you loved you husband then and will always love him.  He holds a very special place in your heart that no other person will be able to fill.  (((Hugs))) Blue Snow.

Comment by Blue Snow on October 14, 2012 at 12:11pm

I really love the next to the last paragraph in your blog about incorporating parts of people you have lost into your core. We all do that but we all forget to remember this very important way we honor them. I had to make the decision to pull my husband off from life support, so I kind of feel that his death was my choice. No matter how it happens, I think we all can come up with reasons to feel angry and guilt. We're too hard on ourselves....

Comment by bj628(Bonnie) on October 14, 2012 at 12:00pm

Janet, Love the Quote  “Death is all about falling apart.  You have to fall apart so that you can rebuild yourself.” Really very true.. and thought provoking. You are an amazing woman and I am proud to call you friend.


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