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It is getting close to the end of summer next change in my life will be our youngest daughter going off to college.  I know she is scared but she will not admit it and myself I am terrified.  Her main worry is leaving me home alone.  I keep telling her I will be fine, she needs to be able to grow as a adult because one day I will be gone too.  Truth is I do not know how I am going to handle being home alone, I went from living at home with my parents and 2 younger sisters to being Mike's wife at 20 years old now at 45 i'll be all alone.  The dogs will be a help but not the same for me.  Our marriage was far from a fairy tail Mike and the girls are my life. 

I thought that I was doing well I no longer cry daily, or get upset when something breaks or stops working.  Last Friday my battery died in my truck and I was so upset  but then I remembered Mike was not around to yell at me and make me feel bad for the battery but later in the day he would of joked and laughed about it to his friends, that is just the way he was. Our daughters and I took care of it and I thought to myself how relieved I was that Mike was not around.  I can not believe I even thought that their is something really wrong with my brain. This morning I went to see his stone before the company puts it in at the cemetery I got out of the car and starting crying I saw his name and date of birth but when I saw his date of death I just started laughing for some reason I have no idea how it got pasted me the company and all the people involved in the design and processing of the stone but instead of March they had MAR, I am fine with the abbreviation the stone is on the small side but what got me was the , ? I have been out of school for a long time but did they change something I always thought a period not a comma came after a abbreviation. It will be fixed they told me but for now we decided to place the stone in and change it out when the new one comes.

My health insurance will not kick in till mid November I know i need some kind of counseling but getting my daughter ready for school. buying her everything she should need like her own health policy so she can live in the dorms and her tuition is first on my list. I buy my medication at a discount price thanks to the pharmacy and as long as i do not get sick I am fine in this area.

Has anyone else felt like they were going insane?     

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Comment by Mo on August 20, 2016 at 8:20pm

I sure understand how you feel. My husband passed over Memorial Day week end, ( I guess I won't forget that !). Our son has been in college but mosty lived with us the last few months of my husbands life. Our daughter was a senior in highschool and is just starting college. She moved out last week and it has been dreadfully quiet. I have pets but you are so right, it is no compensation for having a life partner to talk with and to go over the days dealings with. I've felt mostly numb, sad, and like something is physically missing. Not this week though, empty nest to the nth degree. I feel like I am in a permanent silent retreat.

Comment by lee on August 20, 2016 at 1:18pm

thank you laurajay and lizbeth4 Mike's temporary stone was placed in the cemetery Friday afternoon the correct one will be placed in the spring, we decided to put the stone in because their is no official marker with him only a garden flag that I put in and a cup of fresh coffee from his favorite convenience store I bring to him every time I go and see him.    

Comment by lizbeth4 on August 19, 2016 at 1:03pm

Hi Lee,  There were many times in the beginning that I thought I was losing my mind.   It has been 3 years and 5 months and I am finally beginning to feel sane again.   I was very dependent (married 31 years) as I did almost everything for myself.  I took a early retirement at 52 years old and my Husband was going to work another 2-3 years and retire, but he didn't make it.   We made a pact that I would take care of everything and all he had to do was work.    I did everything around the house, took care of the cars maintenance, ect... as he worked outside the home and I didn't.  It was the least I could do.  In the beginning I was in a big fog.  It takes time to get though it.   Just take good care of yourself.   Sleep when you can, eat healthy and exercise.  Just go with your emotions.   You will have ok days and bad days.   I feel I am now in a peaceful place in my life.  It takes time.   I understand that it is going to be hard when your Daughter goes to college and you will be alone.  I had empty nest syndrome for awhile.   Our children were already gone from the home.   Just take one day at a time.  Grief counseling is helpful!   Thinking of you today and wishing you some peace.  

Comment by laurajay on August 18, 2016 at 9:02pm

lee.  Yes, the feeling of going insane is very common with new grief.  Even years later, life is so changed it's still a feeling that comes full force at times.  Your grief is only months old so you can expect lots of mental confusion as you sort through your feelings and decide what the next best thing is for you to do .Let the strangeness pay it's unwelcomed visit.   It will pass as you do things, stay busy and begin a new pattern of living...takes lots of time.  Be patient and kind to yourself.

Errors on tomb stones I think are common.  Glad they will make corrections for you.  Be sure to follow up on the correct marker being placed on the grave.   Cemeteries are not all efficient-just how it is.  Don't let it worry you.

While you are waiting for health ins. to kick in..be sure to eat as well as you can. Forfeit junk foods!  Just do it.  Sleep or at least rest when you can.  Lay off smoking and alcohol.  Really baby yourself with good habits.  It will help with moodiness, and foggy brain.  Not to mention your pain level will decrease if you do not abuse your body with too much bad stuff.  Stay busy doing at least one small task each day at home.  If you can afford it get out into the fresh air and breathe deeply and slowly for few minutes  several times a day. Think on good things.  Fake it if you must.  It's a long, long time to get to the other side of grief.  Trying to hurry it along does not help.

Remember!  there is no timetable to grief but taking care of yourself  helps all the way around.

Not meaning to preach at you but after 4 yrs a certain wisdom comes that  you wish you knew when grief was new---so it's just my suggestions based on my experience since my husband's unexpected sudden death in 2012.

Blessings and hugs.  You will heal with time.        lj

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