A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
October 18, 2011: the day my life as I knew it was forever changed. It was the day of the accident, and although it is not the official day that the doctors declared him dead, for me, it was and will always be that day that I lost my husband, my children's father, and my best friend. There was no chance to say goodbye, there was simply me, sobbing and crying and wondering just how in the hell I was going to go home without him. But I did. I did go home without him, and I sat in front of my kids and I told them as calmly as I possibly could that daddy wasn't going to come home. And together we began the journey into our new life....
I moved into a bigger town and bought a house. The kids started a new school. They slowly adapted and made new friends. Somehow, we just got through those first few months, although to this day I'm not sure how. As of about 8 weeks following Mark's death, his mother and his aunts and his grandparents stopped contact with me. That story in and of itself would take me another 2 hours to write about, and right now I just don't have the strength to go there. I turned 30 this year. I reconnected with an old friend from work and we started dating. My kids like him, and I think I just might love him. Mark will always have a very special place in my heart....and there will never be anybody quite like him. That's ok, though, because I have let him go. Not totally. He still occupies my heart and my mind at least once a day. But I no longer pine over him. I no longer scream at his pictures on the wall, and I no longer wonder why. Ok, sometimes I still do. But not for long. It no longer consumes me to the point of no return.
I left my full-time job in mid-July because the pressure of working full-time and raising 3 very active small children was far too much for me. I couldn't keep up. Since about the end of August, I have been tapering off my anti-depressant meds, which has been incredibly difficult, although well worth it. I have about 2 weeks to go and then I will be med-free!!!! Yay!!! I also stopped taking my sleeping pills about 2 weeks ago and I have been sleeping quite well. I can feel that life is slowly looking up again. I see now that a tragedy like the one we experienced does not mean the rest of us have our own death sentence, so to speak. For some reason, we are still here! And there is a reason, even though we have to search really hard to find it sometime. I still believe in love, and I still believe in life. I have to. For my own peace of mind, and for my kids.
Although I don't post much on here, I read other entries often, and I can relate to so many. Not sure what I would have turned to had it not been for this site, and everyone here who is brave enough to share their stories.
That's all for now....don't want to miss the bus in the morning!! :)