I wrote yesterday about the influence basketball has had on our life. It was nice to recall those special memories, as I've been stuck in only being able to focus on the long, hard cancer battle. Remembering all that happened during those very tough 4-1/2 years causes me to second-guess the decisions we made along the way - the should haves/could haves of the chemo and radiation treatments, kidney failure/dialysis, the doctors involved, the many infections, the unexpected challenges, the pain he endured. I recognize that I can't change what happened or any of the decisions we made, and it serves no purpose to spend time dwelling on this. We did the best we could at the time and I'm proud that I was right there beside him through it all.
Perhaps recalling some of the wonderful times of our life together is a sign of progress in my grief journey ... or perhaps it's a result of the time I spent on Friday remembering Vern's time in hospice. A dear friend asked if I might be willing to share Vern's final days as she contemplates her cancer journey. I didn't share everything in our CaringBridge journal, but I was easily able to share those important details with my friend. The memories brought tears, but some much-needed healing for me.
The moment we were faced with the move to hospice, I felt divinely guided every step of the way. Our time there was very spiritual and I have not one regret from those final 4-1/2 days spent with Vern. He left this world with no pain, no fear and no doubt of where he was going, knowing how very much he was loved.
Sharing Vern's final days started out as a gift for my friend, but ended up being a very, very special gift to myself.