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How do I close the door?
Last week being Fathers day set this off for. We were married 25 years.the first few years his kids visited, had cookouts , Grand kids spent nights with us. then Frank did not like the fact his oldest daughter was in relationship with a married man. Lord knows what she went back and said to her family but in the past 20 years i had always been the only one to buy him a card or a gift and watched him the whole day sit and hope the phone would ring or fight back the tears. If we seen them anywhere they treated him like he was just someone they knew. i was petty much non existant except when they hurt his feeling, then i would blow up.
Now he is gone. A few months ago they treated me like trash because I had not put headstone or slab on his grave. After big blow up and his oldest doing what i had requested i allowed her to put a slab. probably to my regret one day.
It is beautiful BUT over the top. She had to show off. Then the phone calls and emails start wanting his things. He was a simple man, did not have a lot of hobbies or outside interest so not much to share. Out of i guess wanting to do the right thing i have tried to give them what they have wanted.
I would have been willing to give them anything if they would have loved him and been here with him while he was alive. his brother and sister included. Frank was the black sheep. Not only that my sister is married to Franks brother and they are seperated.
The thing is it is not the material things that are bothering me. It is the fact. WHERE WERE THEY THE PAST 68 years he was alive. why did they hurt him and talk to him the way they did if they loved him so much. Now they are apologizing for that and the oldest said she wished she could have a "DO OVER". His whole family still speaks to me but always adding some jab that breaks my heart and pisses me off at the same time. BUT still for some reason i try to keep that door open to them.
This is tearing me up and breaking my heart again. I hate every conversation i have with them because i dont say what i really think. Some where in the back of my mind for him im still trying to make that connection for him and be a family. I guess Im somehow wanting to MAKE them see what a great Father he would have been. He helped my sister raise her 3 kids and Hayden.
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Comment by judy on June 30, 2012 at 8:27am
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I so understand what you have been going through. They weren't there all these years and now they miss him? It is what I call "Jewish guilt". They have to live with what they should of shown love to your Frank. Of Course, Frank was to lucky one to always have you having his back and being the best person that you are.
You know about my husbands family. I still miss it - but trying so hard to deal without them. I know at the end of all, they will have to live with it. We are always here for you Steph.
Love you,
Judy
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Comment by AuntT on June 30, 2012 at 7:43am -
Thanks everyone for the comments. your input helps me put things into order. you sometimes get tunnel vision on these matters and hearing others opinions really help
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Comment by hendrixx2 on June 28, 2012 at 10:03am -
Hi Aunt,
It is a hard thing to deal with, this disruption in our lives, compounded by family issues...I think it is critical at these moments that we try and remember the limits of our abilities in dealing with others, especially family; we commit ourselves to trying to do the next right things for all those involved, including ourselves...holding our tongues as well as our resentments for only so long, and then coming to terms with them that they do not add to our pain. There is a personal place for both, and I am sure you will find them, but there is no hurry, you have to have as much time as you need to deal with these to your own satisfaction...I think having that time is critical to our healing...
The pain this has caused you hopefully will pass...we can not please those who are determined to think of us in a negative light...I am certain you will find the ''boxes'' to properly place both the emotions and people into...knowing that when necessary, you can open it, pull them out and kick the shit out of them...then replace them and have some mental satisfaction, and that is a good thing I think...know that you are not alone, and that you give inspiration to one who has had to deal with similar situations, so on this particular front, you have reminded me that I have to be aware of my shortcomings and limitations...
We know we cannot change some things, but being human, it is hard for us to accept that we do not have control of them...but we can have control of our thoughts and to some degree our emotions...you may not realize it Aunt, but you have shown me a different view on a scene I thought I had mastered, thank you...
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Comment by mem5711 (Denise) on June 24, 2012 at 9:25am -
So Sorry you're going through this...I know it's difficult...Please put yourself first:)) I also have not heard from Andre's family since he passed (10 months now) and I don't really want to. They never bothered with us or our children ..... ever! At the hospital one of his brothers pocketed Andre's hearing aid....then at the cemetery started taking vases and flowers....don't know what he was going to do with it....he had to fly back to Canada in the morning. I did make him put everything back....boy he was pissed!! Could have cared less. He also asked for his clothes and anything I didn't want.....do you believe it!!!! What an ass! Whatever our children don't want the rest will be given to charity. The only time Andre' ever heard from them was when the needed money....pay for his sister's college, at the time we had 2 in college and the sister was 30.....help pay for another's home.....etc...needless to say we didn't help so they never talked to us again. But I have they best family ... my kids and siblings have been there every step of the way. I love them all so much:)) (((Hugs))) to you.
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Comment by jimswife33 (Michelle) on June 24, 2012 at 12:23am -
Im so sorry you are having to deal with this Steph. I just wanted to send you big Hugs! Gina is right, they feel guilty, too bad. You only need to worry about you, they had their chance. HUGS to you.
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Comment by Joyce on June 23, 2012 at 11:11pm -
I think you are right Steph, I think we try to keep the door open because way back in our subconscious we think it's still a connection to our husbands even if they weren't close. I don't know how you close the door but maybe you need to do so for STEPH. I can't give too much advice here because I have a little similar situation with Tom' brother and I don't know what to do about it. Sending Hugs, Steph
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Comment by ginadf on June 23, 2012 at 8:15pm
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you know the old saying Steph, "Payback is a Bitch". Well the guilt they have to live with the rest of their lives is their payback. they missed out on so many opportunities to spend time with their wonderful father, and they realize that now, but guess what?? That shipped sailed. And now after reading your story again, i think the reason they want Franks belonings, is because they think by feeling them or touching them is gonna make them feel better and release some of the quilt they have to live with. Never happen. I believe Frank is now in a better place where he can longer feel any physical and emotional pain, And you my girl, need need to not let them get to you and remember you gave Frank the best years of your life, by loving him and caring for him. Something they will never know anything about. Its their hearts feeling the pain now, not yours or Franks.
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Comment by bad ass widow on June 23, 2012 at 6:52pm -
Stephanie, I agree with everyone else here. You need to put YOU first. Its hard as hell to do especially when you have as big as a heart as you do. I find it fascinating (in a weird sort of way) of what some family members will do to assuage their guilt of being dickheads or just being so unaware of the realitys of what they have done in the past. I have a sister in law who claims that Keith was her best friend. For Petes sakes, he didnt even know where she lived the last 10 years. And he could not remember the names of her 4 daughters. There was no big fight or anything like that. He just didnt like her. She now likes to tell anyone who will listen how she was at his bedside when he died. Well Whoop-de-doo, so was I. She has built a shrine to him on her kitchen counter and has decorated parts of her house with White Sox paraphenalia. Pretty sure she has never seen a game. She was constantly showing me new items until one day I finally said this is all great, but all my memories are in my heart and I dont need to see all this material stuff. I dont begrudge her, I just dont understand her and her need to re-establish herself with a dead man. I am sure if I told her the tomato story, there would be a bruise upside my head. Anyway Steph, I guess the thing is you cant change another persons perception of how things are, but You can change yours on how you react to them. So slam that door or close it inch by inch, but do what is right for you.
(((Hugs)))
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Comment by janet on June 23, 2012 at 4:25pm -
Steph, I am so sorry they are putting you through this. You and your needs come first above theirs. I do totally understand where you are coming from. Jim's youngest daughter severed all ties with him 5 years ago. Why we do not know and truthfully I really don't care anymore. Jim loved his children but they chose to either not love him and did not want to.
I have not heard from any of my family since before my husband passed. Do I miss it, no and I do not miss the drama either. I believe it is time for you to speak your peace and let it go at that. You have way to much to deal with than to be dragged into poor pitiful me and guilt games. I am always here if you need someone to talk to. Love ya and ((((HUGS))) Steph.
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Comment by Renee on June 23, 2012 at 3:30pm -
You need to put your self first, that's what your husband would want. They caused you both enough hurt
already. You are on a hard road as it is and don't need things in your life to hurt you more. They really are
not family. Some of my family hurt me during my husband's illness and death(my brother never even called me the whole time and still has not) I will never talk to them again, and they are my blood. Put yourself first
as we all know that life is to short. Hugs
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