A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
I Can't Do This
I found some of David's journals -- he journaled for a whole year in 2007 when he was in Bible School. This was a man who found it hard to write a letter. I was surprised he did it and kept at it. I'd never read them, even though I know he wouldn't have minded. In them he talks about each day, prays (especially prayers of protection over our family as he names us one by one) and discusses revelations he'd made in his studies. He and I talked ALOT so nothing I've read yet surprises me, but it makes me long for those talks again. My youngest son came over last night and saw them and asked to borrow a couple. That led me going into David's closet and going through the three briefcases that are there. He always carried around at least one full of books, his notes, etc. I gave my son some of the books as he has been struggling too. I could see tears in his eyes.
But today I haven't dressed or done anything but read online about grief and sleep. I've cried so much and I when I think I have no tears left, here they come again. I've been reading the discussions about dating (wayyyyyy into my future, if at all) and I think again, I can't do this. I don't want anyone else. I want David back. I always knew he would go first as he was 7 years older than me, but I thought we had YEARS left. We used to joke about who was going to carry the oxygen tank or push the other around in a wheelchair (since I have RA, it COULD have been me in the chair). Then the wheelchair and the oxygen became our reality.
I'm a woman of faith, but my faith is weak right now. I hurt so bad. It helps to know (from reading here) that I'm not alone in my grief.
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Comment by Pat on January 14, 2013 at 2:47pm -
Hugs to you as you struggle, Princessmeggy. My husband was almost 9 years older than me, but his family had Longevity that made me expect him to live into his 90's while I anticipated checking out sooner. I also thought he was the stronger person and he would handle my dying better.
My husband was not into journaling/reading/verbalizing, but he did leave behind his drawings of solutions to problems or hopes to build a better "something". He invented many pieces of equipment to help his work, and was a great user of physics to solve muscular challenges. Speaking of muscles - he had tremendous muscles. Over the last two years, I thought his loss of muscle mass was just because he had slowed down on his physical work and was taking it easier. Little did we know that his cancer was eating away at him.
I just returned from a week away at my brother's. After the December month, which was more of a struggle than I anticipated, I knew I was ready to be away. It did help tremendously - but then one does return home. Today is my first day back and I know the days that are ahead of me, sadly.
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Comment by telechick on January 14, 2013 at 10:13am
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I also wear a locket with some of C's hair in it and have more in an envelope in the cardboard box I'm currently using as a keepsake box (I need to get something nicer - add it to the list). It's very important to me.
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Comment by MrsD on January 14, 2013 at 10:06am -
I wear a lock of his hair in a locket around my neck. I have more tucked away. He had amazing hair.
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Comment by M'LADY on January 14, 2013 at 1:23am -
I know what you mean about wanting to take his hair, when Ed died we all stood around his bed saying our good byes before he was taken to surgery for the donation team can begin preparing his organs for transplant. Before he left I was crying and had my face pressed up to his forehead and I could smell his hair it was then I asked for a some scissors I clipped his hair. So it is not odd to want some of his hair I do hope you kept it.
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Comment by MyNewLife on January 13, 2013 at 9:27pm -
Me too Michele, this sad business is not my nature either. I WAS a happy, look at the bright side person but this has really thrown me for a loop. (((Hugs))) back at cha!
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