I'm so lost. I "busied" myself yesterday cleaning house trying to avoid the pain I guess. I found myself on the floor cleaning out my vacuum cleaner and weeping when I discovered the roller was full of long silver strands of hair. I wanted to keep them! I didn't thinking to myself, that's just morbid. But was it?
I found some of David's journals -- he journaled for a whole year in 2007 when he was in Bible School. This was a man who found it hard to write a letter. I was surprised he did it and kept at it. I'd never read them, even though I know he wouldn't have minded. In them he talks about each day, prays (especially prayers of protection over our family as he names us one by one) and discusses revelations he'd made in his studies. He and I talked ALOT so nothing I've read yet surprises me, but it makes me long for those talks again. My youngest son came over last night and saw them and asked to borrow a couple. That led me going into David's closet and going through the three briefcases that are there. He always carried around at least one full of books, his notes, etc. I gave my son some of the books as he has been struggling too. I could see tears in his eyes.
But today I haven't dressed or done anything but read online about grief and sleep. I've cried so much and I when I think I have no tears left, here they come again. I've been reading the discussions about dating (wayyyyyy into my future, if at all) and I think again, I can't do this. I don't want anyone else. I want David back. I always knew he would go first as he was 7 years older than me, but I thought we had YEARS left. We used to joke about who was going to carry the oxygen tank or push the other around in a wheelchair (since I have RA, it COULD have been me in the chair). Then the wheelchair and the oxygen became our reality.
I'm a woman of faith, but my faith is weak right now. I hurt so bad. It helps to know (from reading here) that I'm not alone in my grief.