Write it down says my counsellor when I try and describe the surreal feeling I've had since Gary's death 7 months ago. I'm trying to describe to him that I feel detached from life, that I'm watching and functioning in the world but from the outside almost like a ghost myself. People have moved on, the sympathy phase is long gone there's definitely an expectation that I should be over it by now from most people. Well I am over it! Over trying to fit what other people think, but I'm not challenging yet, I'm not ready for that,yet, so I pretend, my responses to some of the borderline ridiculous statements people make doesn't reach my lips, it goes to the thought bubble and I pretend I said it, that will do for now, I know most people just don't get it so can't be too harsh! The ones I will tell, when I'm ready, is the oncologist who sends the registrar to tell you all the bad news, the hospital staff who say such stupid things as " the cancer must have been HIDING" like its a game - just after they tell you he has weeks to live when he went into hospital to just fix a broken arm-perhaps they could have explained that to his ten year old son who had just been told a week before that all cancer treatments where going along well. Yes I will tell his work that to ask me to return his work iPhone and iPad at his funeral could have been justifiable homicide. And yes I will tell my acting supervisor to do a work appraisal on me two months after my partners death and the worst 12 months of my life and suggest im not operating at 100 percent is both mean and also justifiable homicide. Yes I will tell some people some things, I will try and make my little patch of society better for grieving people but first I have widow work to continue with crying my way through de-structing his life, taking his name and presence from almost everything connected to mine, trying to balance my grief, my children, my work, my bloody everything in my cartoon world. But before I'm committed to an asylum I will tell them somehow and hopefully they will hear me, maybe write grief for dummies.. Has that been done???
And to my counsellor - FYI I forgot to ask what writing this down was supposed to do but so far it's made me cry, then made me angry when I accidentally deleted and had to start again, then made me cry again.. I expect I'll be seeing you again next month:(