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I'm a weather forecast and maybe a little bit crazy


It's been awhile since I've had anything to say.  Profound sadness has had me locked up in a choke hold.  I tend to retreat within myself during those times.  Like a clam closing, it's shell.  I'm feeling a little better, okay actually I'm feeling a lot better.  From somewhere in my little clam world the theme from Rocky begin playing on a loop in my head.    I thought I'd add it to this blog, just in case anyone needs a theme song to help them get up and kick grief in the bu bu butt!  So, grief won that skirmish but I'm not down for the count just yet.  I'm back and grief my diabolical nemesis is somewhere lurking and plotting against me.... and on to other nonsense and news, 

So, anyway.  After giving thought to how I am today, it occurred to me that I am a weather forecast.  When did a simple question like (How are you doing?), get so complicated.  How am I doing?  Well let's see,  today I predict a high-pressure system is moving in followed by clouds with a 98% chance of tears and moving on to the early afternoon the sun is expected to peek through with gusts of melancholy hitting me at 20 Mi/hr. ending the evening with an overcast night sky's.   Tomorrow's mood, I expect a sunny morning with clear skies until late afternoon, at which time a storm front will be moving in, severe angst will be at an all-time high alert from 4p - 10p followed by an over night low of 3.5 hrs sleep.  That was actually kind of fun, give it a try.  What's your forecast?

Back to the real world question, How are you doing?  ME: I'm doing very well.  Thank you for asking.  <Smile meekly and look away before the unsuspecting do-gooder catches the thunder rolling in my eyes.>    

 In the last two weeks, I've forgotten to fight the good fight.  I gave in; tucked tail, rolled over and played dead.  I'm not thinking that was the best thing for me.  Of course, at the time it made sense, it was what I wanted.  It was also selfish and dangerous.  Introverted ppl like me really have to come out swinging and fight twice as hard to stay afloat.  I wonder how specific personality traits and grief make living life during this "season" better or worse.  Personally, I'm pre-dispositioned to be depressed.  I know that so, it's up to me not to be my own worst enemy.  Has anyone ever thought about that?  What inborn traits have helped or harmed you along your journey?  Are you mindful of what you do because of them?  If not, think about it with me.  Share, maybe we'll learn something.  In keeping with the great Rocky Balbo, and who doesn't love some Rocky (please don't even go there) wise words from the best fictional trainer ever:
        
It ain't about
how hard you 
HIT
It's about how hard
you can get 
Hit 
and
keep moving 
Forward

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Comment by bayoured on May 10, 2018 at 3:07pm

Thanks for the advice SweetMelissa and the big hug. Rough week this week but I am gonna push thru . <3

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on May 10, 2018 at 1:06pm

(((BAYOURED)))

I'm so so sorry for your pain. I know how badly it sucks. Physical grief is hardest the first year, however, the pain will be less intense as well as less often the more you release it ...
When having an anxiety attack or angst (feeling like you're going to jump out of your skin) - try any or all of these ...
1.) While laying down hold onto Tony's pillow, shirt, blanket or a stuffed animal - something pliable ...
2.) Breath in & out of a bag - if you do it w/out a bag your breathing is not being regulated & can cause dizziness (carry one w/you) ...
3.) In a sitting position put your head betweenyour legs breath slowly till it passes (when in public go sit in your vehicle & do it)...
4.) If you have multiple attacks one after the other attacks or unrelenting angst, go to sleep or try putting yourself to sleep w/an over the counter aid to give your body time to reset. I used Tylenol PM for the pain as well as to help me sleep. My grief buddy used Valarian Root from Wal-mart for sleep ...
5.) Cuss alot, it also relieves stress. My kids taught me! :-)
I would shout at them to knock off the f'n cussing - oops!

Drink a non-caffeine tea afterward like chamomile or ginger - both help soothe the stomach. Candied ginger can be purchased at health food stores, the small container fits in a purse or hip pack. I acquired a love for Baskin-Robbins ginger ice cream (its seasonal).
Bach's Rescue Remedy drops or pastilles could also help, too (health food store) ...
Try to limit your intake of caffeine & anything high in sugar or fructose syrup big time. Avoid alcoholic beverages. Or consuming whole sheet cakes & brownies like I did. I was angry & loonie - nobody was going to tell me WTF to do! I had to get pretty damn grief sick before I stopped stuffing my face & drinking gallons of Starbucks sugar water coffee - then I lost 30 lbs ... :-)
Thoughts & prayers ...

Comment by bayoured on May 9, 2018 at 6:08am

Wise words from SweetMelissa and callie2. Have to remind ourselves because we are still in the early stages whether we want to admit that or not. I think the one thing about me that has added an additional burden to this path is my anxiety problems. They have been with me a long time. They have morphed since Tony has passed however . I don't always recognize it like I used to. I so hate being this way but after many years I have come to the conclusion I am just wired this way. Not to give in to it by no means but to stop beating myself up because of it. It just is what it is. Had a good week last week and this week it is back to the rabbit hole again. I know from the times before I will come out of it . Wash , rinse , repeat. 

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on April 23, 2018 at 12:19pm

I agree w/Callie ...

Its time to convalesce & cry it out ...

The time will come when you are not as weak so you can start learning to cope w/it - the raw grieve has to be released ...

Suffering is much longer when running, fighting & denying grief b/c they are not healing modalities. My first couple of years I had to trigger my grief after day 2 of not shedding tears. Not crying is not a sign of healing or getting better - its merely internalizing pain. Its best to get it out to prevent stress related illnesses ...

Its more important to take care of yourself during this very fresh time ...

Comment by Callie2 on April 23, 2018 at 11:46am

Rainy,

It’s perfectly OK for you to have these feelings, you don’t have to pretend everything is fine right now. In fact, it is grief and it is necessary to deal with all the emotions connected to it. I remember not answering my phone or the door when I was feeling really bad. The first couple years I cried almost every day. I hope you allow yourself to feel bad and not try to suppress these feelings. You don’t need to keep a stiff upper lip. That’s not the best way to navigate this journey. No one wants to be in pain but it’s better to deal with it now rather then later.  Stay inside the clamshell until you feel like coming out and do so on your own terms. It’s alright to be a little selfish right now and focus on yourself. When someone asks how you are you can always tell them you’re doing the best you can. 

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