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Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

If I were to be given a wish tonight,to be able to build that wish into reality, Ray would still be here.  We would be sitting beside a stream in a place called Childowlah, we would have a large two room tent, a generator for lights and refrigeration and a big trailer attached to an SUV.  I know Ray would probably be ready for bed by now as he was always asleep by this time of night and he would say goodnight and maybe drop a kiss on the top of my head as he passed. I would be sitting looking at the stars and wondering what the other poor fools were doing on a Sunday night miles away  in the city and counting my blessings.

It is good to have that daydream sometimes, a reflection of the good times of the past projected into the future we will never share.  It is good to remember that just briefly we shared some good times, between parenting, working, building up the nest egg to extend our family home etc we had some good times.  We had times when there was peace and contentment between us, that feeling that life stretched ahead of us full of unknown delights.  We were young, we had energy, we could do it.

It sort of makes sense when people say there are parallel universes as that is how I feel sometimes as if my life slipped into a parallel universe when Ray had the major strokes, as if the life I should have lived went on without me.  I became something I was never intended to be, the caregiver, the nurse, the food police, the person who wrestled with all the problems.  This was never supposed to be me, sweet and cheerful Sue, this was some other much older woman doing all of this, a worried woman, a tired woman, a woman without much fun in her life.

So tonight, the end of a very hot day, I can daydream for a while, watch the older woman shutting down the camp for the night, dousing the fire, lowering the flame on the lamp, making sure everything is put away neat and tidy. She looks tired but it is a happy tired, the expression of a woman fulfilled a woman exactly where she wishes to be, doing what she wants to do, a woman who has earned this as her reward.  I just wish that woman was me.

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Comment by Hornet (Cindy) on November 28, 2014 at 3:13pm

I hear you Sue...I sit here daydreaming too.

Comment by Maggie on November 27, 2014 at 4:52am
I like your post. I've often wondered if there are really parallel universes out there as some scientists say. If so, that means my husband is still alive and never got brain cancer and we are still together with the future still out there for us. And we are so blissfully unaware of this universe I am in now without him and all the life he will never experience and the life together we won't experience either....but just maybe out there somewhere somewhen else...all is well and our life together is continuing. I've often felt this was REALLY wasn't suppose to have happened like it something went wrong in this universe...some mistake...I too feel old and tired and like Im just taking up some temporary space for awhile longer. I can only hope that my sister self and my husband's brother self are real and still going out there somewhere...

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