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I am exhausted physically and emotionally I get plenty of sleep but I don't feel rested.  I have not dreamed about anything I close my eyes and wake up.   My whole world has been turned upside down on March 24 2016.  I feel guilty that I let Mike leave the house that morning, my parents are gone Mikes parents are gone although I love my sisters and brother as well as his sisters and brothers, I have a few really good friends. I have my daughters but I feel so alone.  I was at my lawyers office today and it hit me he was my life and my best friend and we did not appreciate each other  like we should of the fighting arguing bickering he was a complicated man who had a hard upbringing which explains a lot about him I didn't really understand that until now.  I don't even know if he knew that  I loved him.   I miss him so much. I work in retail so I see many people, i'll see a couple in their 60's walking hand in hand in the store and i'll get tears in my eyes that should of been us in 20 years or the wife getting upset with her husband because he is not ready to leave or spending money on tools that he already has at home, that would of been me.

We all know that one day one of us would end up going first it is a part of life. I'm only 44 Mike would be 49 in 2 weeks we are too young but as everyone on this site we are all too young their is never right age and no one is ever ready, I know life will go on and I will be with him one day, our girls need me so I know our meeting again, god willing, will not be for a long time.  I just wish I could just wake up from this nightmare and have him right beside me 

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Comment by Megraf on June 14, 2016 at 8:15am

Hey there! I am so sorry for your loss. I am in a similar boat as you, just losing my husband on early Easter morning. He had a lot of medical problems in the past, and has been on dialysis for the last few years. That being said, he had a really low immune system and ended up getting the flu. The Flu!!!! I don't understand it! During that eek he had the flu, I had to work during the day, and come and take care of him at night. But he just wasn't getting better. I remember yelling at him, trying to get him to eat and drink, but he just wouldn't. I wish I had taken off work to care for him more, but I was stressed to max capacity with other things going on and couldn't afford to take anymore time off. But that doesn't change the fact that I should have been there for him. I ended up taking him to the hospital around midnight on the 25th of March, and he was fine the whole time he was there. I am not exactly sure what happened, but on the 27th he was gone. He was only 26 years old (almost 27, lacking two months to the day). Even though we fought during that week, I know he knew I loved him and would do anything to keep him here with me. I still feel like this is a nightmare and that I will wake up and him be there. It is hard to go through the motions with the thought of him not being there. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this too. It isn't fair and isn't right, but at least we have each other to talk with and get through this real-life nightmare.

Comment by lizbeth4 on June 12, 2016 at 8:58pm

Hi Lee   I am so sorry for the loss of your Husband.    My Husband of 31 years died 3 years ago.  He was 57 years old.   Don't feel guilty.   You couldn't have known or stopped it.   He knew that you loved him.  My Husband and I did a lot of bickering.   He had 2 months from his cancer diagnosis to his death.   It was a whirlwind of sadness.  He was in the hospital 2 times, 2 weeks each time.   He lost the ability to walk and do anything for himself.   I took care of him.  I thought we had more time before we got hospice care but we didn't.   I told him everyday that I loved him.  I was able to hold his hand and tell him that I loved him while he died.   I am grateful for that.  The pain of losing my Husband has change with time.   I was a mess the first year. I still have sad days but I have a lot of good memory days.   The loneliness has been the hardest to deal with.    Be kind to yourself.  Our lives  have been forever changed.  I will be thinking of you.  Take care.

Comment by lee on June 2, 2016 at 2:42pm

I found out about mikes accident by a friend the state troopers were worthless my daughter found out by the school before I did. At least people have stopped giving me the you poor thing look 

Comment by Rhonda on June 2, 2016 at 10:58am
Hello! I can so relate. I'm 45 and my husband was 47. He passed away unexpectedly on April 1. It's been difficult facing all of the firsts: Mass, pontooning, Bon fires, prom for son, graduation! Doesn't seem real. I was the one to call 911. Just to be sure I had told him I loved him, I made a data request with the Sheriff's Office. I was relieved to know I told him. We had an argument the evening before and went to bed upset. I regret that fight. Life's unpredictable!

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