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I'm approaching my 3 year mark, October 11th will mark 3 years that my husband has made his transition.  My life has been in whirlwinds since.  So many changes.  I put my house up for sale, I moved me and my 2 daughters into an apartment, we are happy here.  Before we arrived in our new space, so many obstacles had to be moved out of our way.  Unfortunately those obstacles were family members.  My mother had 13 brothers and sisters.  All of them had children, which resulted in me having over 100 1st and 2nd cousins.  Until the time that my husband passed all was well with my family.  Not so well with my husband's family and I have dealt with them with a long spoon since.  I had no expectations from them, so it doesn't hurt so bad.  But my family and their tactics to break me caused me to separate from them.  They became mean, self-serving and pretty much set up a plan to disconnect me from my family and it worked.  Prior to my husband and my mother's death I was protected by them.  I was an active family member with no issues.  That all changed in a matter of 1 day and with one text.  Since that time, I have removed them from my life.  I still love many of them, but they can no longer be in my life.  The people I once called friends were relieved of that duty.  So here I am now, in my safe place away from people who caused me harm.  I am in a place where the widow community has become my pulse.  But it's lonely.  I waited to have this inner peace, but no one told me it would be lonely.  More lonely than it was before.  So now I have to decide what to do in my space and with my space.  I don't want to be a burden, but I need a push start.  There are so many things I want to do, but getting that motivation to remove myself from my side of the bed is difficult.  Once I am out of the bed, and in the world I have experience happy things, met marvelous people and have begun to put a little joy back in my life.  We attend so many workshops and talks about how to experience joy and foster resilience. But its the how that I am missing.  I'm missing the how do you get the motivation to jump start your day?, when you don't have your husband by your side.  How do you get the courage to go out and mingle with people you don't know?.  How do you keep your space safe without over cluttering your space with your presence?  

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Comment by Bonnie on August 10, 2015 at 8:55am
Thank you. It is nice to know someone understands. I thought after a year I would be better--here I am learning that is still soon. I feel that at my age I may never get to where I was in dealing effectively with life's challenges and finding joy in it. I only know to take every day as it comes and I am trying to do that. I just feel llike I am alone so much and I don't exactly know how to change that.
Comment by Callie2 on August 9, 2015 at 5:17pm
Sorry you are having those family issues. Unless someone has lost a spouse, I don't think they understand how long it takes to recover from the darkest part of grief and begin to move forward with our lives. I remember thinking, if I can make it to the one year mark, things would be so much better. Instead, it was like a roller coaster--and by the end of the second year, I thought it would never end! The highs, the lows, feeling positive for a week or two then WHAM! For me, it was soon after year three when the worst was behind me but I still felt a little wobbly. Rebuilding our self confidence is but another challenge and again, I speak for myself here. We have successes and failures but we can't give up, we have to go on. Socializing becomes easier the more we do it. Just be patient with yourself. It is a new world for us and we ourselves have changed a great deal. Motivation will return. Things will again fall into place. You are already on the right path, it just seems to take longer than we think it should!
Comment by Bonnie on August 9, 2015 at 9:21am
It is helpful to me to read your post. I am only one year out from my husband's death in 2015 and I am having such a hard time trying to know how to go forward. My family too has not been supportive and my husband's family has simply stopped communicating with me at all. I have said that I don't need them in my life, but it is still hurtful. I have taken steps to create a new space for myself but I feel like you, that I am somehow missing something. I don't know how to get out and find new activities, new people, new responses. I am trying, but I still find myslef spending most of my time alone. I have lots of friends, but I don't fit into their lives and while they are good to me when our paths cross it seems that I have to figure everything out by myself. Thank you for sharing your feelings about this. At least I know it isn't just me.

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