Many people feel the pain of losing someone extremely significant to them early in their lives. I lost wonderful grandparents, but wasn't that close to them, and for me it wasn't like losing a spouse or parent. I've wondered... if my faith was stronger would I grieve less? I don't know.
There's so much I've discovered over the last few years.
Though the sting will fade over time, I'll feel the loss till I die. It will continue to influence my life. Hopefully for the better. I'm not "over" it nor have I "recovered". The grief is sweet as well as bitter. I rejoice in all the joy I experienced... the awesome blessings ...yet still cry that I don't have them here to embrace in my arms and talk to face to face. Maybe I didn't deserve to have such loss in my life, but then again what makes me think I deserved to have them in the first place? Many have had so much less. I've been blessed.
Sometimes I'm still figuring out how to have a "good life" when the people who made it so good have been taken out of it. But my focus and expectations have to change and that'll come.
I have become more aware of the power of God's grace and how much I need it.
We do not always have the freedom to choose the roles we must play in life, but we can choose how we are going to play the roles we have been given.
With Edd we had time to say goodbye. We had lots of time to hold each other, look into one another's eyes and say what we wanted to say. Lots of "I love yous". I'm so thankful for that now. I see the blessing in it. There are so many conversations during his last few months that I'll cherish in my heart forever. There was nothing we held back from each other.
Although there were those who decided they didn't want me in their lives afterwards... people I really thought cared about me... even after everything.... But I'm learning to accept that too. Because I've learned it's not even about me. It's beyond that.
I'm learning to embrace peace in the midst of the storms that gather. The storms we can't control or run from. Or the storms within. That's a lesson that's been a long time coming.
But I'm feeling it.
Sometimes it's just a decision of the will. A decision to not let the winds of change and unpredictability define your mood or sense of well-being.