A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Approaching the 5 month mark...I find myself reviewing the journey I have been on...not just since the 14th March but since the very first time I met my 2nd husband.
I knew very early on that Doug had some 'issues' but it was not until well after his death that the extent has come to light. This other person has created an entirely different type of grief for me to deal with...as I question every part of our relationship. I loved him deeply, but did he love me? Was he capable of loving me? It turns out he may not have been capable...and he certainly had stopped trying to cope with leading a 'normal' life when he chose to end it.
Trying to work out even IF I should grieve for him has lead me down a very confusing path for the past few weeks. I read all the posts from those who are assured of the love they shared with their departed spouses and found myself saddened that I have been robbed of this assurance. All I can work with is that I loved him and lived up to our wedding vows...I gave him a good send-off at the celebration of his life...I did all I could with what I knew at the time...as many of us have had to do.
And now having reviewed our life together...over and over...I feel ready to really move forward. Approaching 5 months I didn't think it would be possible to have lived through all I have and still be ready to move forward with eagerness towards my new life. The eternal optimist in me is excited to be looking for a new family home for my brood...even if it is just a gathering place for us all to reconnect as they go out into the world. I am beginning to see the possibility of being strong enough to work again but only part-time and in a supportive, positive environment (this means resigning from my current job that I have been away from for the past 2 months).
I am excited to be able to help my children financially at last...but only because I took over his life insurance payments years ago, as I took over all the regular bill payments years ago - health, contents, car and life insurances, phone, internet, power, water, 1/2 the rent, and credit card payments...this is where all my pay went with no extras left over. Learning what living with mental illness is like has been eye-opening and I discovered how easy going I really could be...accommodating Doug's idiosyncrasies in my life. But then again there are centuries of stories of what humans are capable of when LOVE is involved.
My wedding ring has been removed...his I have never found...I am yet to decide what to do with his ashes...but there is no rush...when the time feels right it will all fall into place...and life will continue. I have been robbed of being able to grieve for my husband in the usual manner, but I'm actually ok with that now...surprisingly. It has given me a way forward. Life's funny like that!