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Last night for our one year anniversary, I went and got a tattoo to remember Tj by. I thought long and hard about what to get and what not. I wanted something that would remind me of him and our life together, but that would be personal enough that only people I tell would know what it stood for. I am very happy with the outcome. I got 6 birds on a line and one flying away from them to the sky. The one flying away, of course is Tj, and the 6 on the line are Myself, My 4 children, and my step son (Tjs son). As we walked into the tattoo place the guy standing at the counter was talking about his next tattoo and I noticed his badge for his work, it was the same place Tj and I worked at together shortly after dating. I didn't know the guy, but I instantly felt like Tj was there. Then as I sat down to get the tattoo there was a post it note on the mirror that had Tj and a phone number. This was my second tattoo, the first one I got was in March and it was a mother daughter tattoo. That day I say the same stick it note on the mirror and just felt like it was a sign. Last night, I felt the same way with the badge and then that. Tj loved tattoos He had 5 of them and wanted more. It was just a passion he had, that and drawing. He loved to draw. Anyways do any of you experience that? Little signs here and there that make you think it isn't just by chance?
Today as I was cleaning out my truck I found Tj's wallet. I, of course, look through it and found a fortune from our first date. It was September 21st 2010. We met at a local chinese resturant, my favorite, for lunch. It was a nice time that we just sat and talked and got to know each other. I know people say you just know when you meet the love of your life....not me! I did not have that warm fuzzy love feeling. I thought he was very cute, and funny, but rather annoying. lol He was not at all what I was looking for, I had just recently divorced and had 3 children. But I guess I stuck around to see if something more was there. That lunch we just talked like we knew each other forever and we were hard to separate from that moment on. I remember reading the fortunes and laughing at his. It said "Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you." I didn't realize he kept it, until today when I found it in his wallet. You see, everyone tells me how in love his was with me, and what not. I can't say I believed that. If he was why did he kill himself? Why did he move our family into a home that he knew I couldn't live in alone (I stayed at home), why did he insist that we keep our son rather than adoption, why did he beg and prove to me he was a great guy to marry me, why?? You don't do those things to someone you love. You keep the baby, move into a nice house, be a good man, and you STAY. You don't run away, you don't hide from your past or your problems, you fix them. They say his death was accidental, and somedays I believe that others I don't. I feel like he was a man who knew fully what he was doing, and he knew it was dangerous. I just have so much built up anger still, because I did fall deeply in love with him, I was the happiest I have ever been, my kids were happy, our life was going great. And then bam, he made the decision to end it, just like that. No input from anyone, it was very selfish and I just don't see how you do that to someone you love.