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Little things
Last night for our one year anniversary, I went and got a tattoo to remember Tj by. I thought long and hard about what to get and what not. I wanted something that would remind me of him and our life together, but that would be personal enough that only people I tell would know what it stood for. I am very happy with the outcome. I got 6 birds on a line and one flying away from them to the sky. The one flying away, of course is Tj, and the 6 on the line are Myself, My 4 children, and my step son (Tjs son). As we walked into the tattoo place the guy standing at the counter was talking about his next tattoo and I noticed his badge for his work, it was the same place Tj and I worked at together shortly after dating. I didn't know the guy, but I instantly felt like Tj was there. Then as I sat down to get the tattoo there was a post it note on the mirror that had Tj and a phone number. This was my second tattoo, the first one I got was in March and it was a mother daughter tattoo. That day I say the same stick it note on the mirror and just felt like it was a sign. Last night, I felt the same way with the badge and then that. Tj loved tattoos He had 5 of them and wanted more. It was just a passion he had, that and drawing. He loved to draw. Anyways do any of you experience that? Little signs here and there that make you think it isn't just by chance?
Today as I was cleaning out my truck I found Tj's wallet. I, of course, look through it and found a fortune from our first date. It was September 21st 2010. We met at a local chinese resturant, my favorite, for lunch. It was a nice time that we just sat and talked and got to know each other. I know people say you just know when you meet the love of your life....not me! I did not have that warm fuzzy love feeling. I thought he was very cute, and funny, but rather annoying. lol He was not at all what I was looking for, I had just recently divorced and had 3 children. But I guess I stuck around to see if something more was there. That lunch we just talked like we knew each other forever and we were hard to separate from that moment on. I remember reading the fortunes and laughing at his. It said "Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you." I didn't realize he kept it, until today when I found it in his wallet. You see, everyone tells me how in love his was with me, and what not. I can't say I believed that. If he was why did he kill himself? Why did he move our family into a home that he knew I couldn't live in alone (I stayed at home), why did he insist that we keep our son rather than adoption, why did he beg and prove to me he was a great guy to marry me, why?? You don't do those things to someone you love. You keep the baby, move into a nice house, be a good man, and you STAY. You don't run away, you don't hide from your past or your problems, you fix them. They say his death was accidental, and somedays I believe that others I don't. I feel like he was a man who knew fully what he was doing, and he knew it was dangerous. I just have so much built up anger still, because I did fall deeply in love with him, I was the happiest I have ever been, my kids were happy, our life was going great. And then bam, he made the decision to end it, just like that. No input from anyone, it was very selfish and I just don't see how you do that to someone you love.
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Comment by lovie on May 19, 2012 at 12:05am -
Little things sometimes bring us the biggest peace, and we should savor that as we mourn. And, sometimes there are just no answers, just empy blanks for us to fill in. Fill your empty blanks with the good memories. Questioning is always torturing in the early months of grief, but it needs to be processed. Eventually, though, when we realize that some questions can never be answered, it is just better to pack them up with everything else that needs packing to allow yourself to forgive and move forward into a brighter tomorrow. Wishing you strength as you walk this journey of grief and pain.
put
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Comment by bad ass widow on May 18, 2012 at 10:23pm -
(((hugs)))
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Comment by greenash514 on May 17, 2012 at 8:49pm -
Thank you marielee! My husband did not leave letters or anything. He and I were only together 11 short months, I just don't understand it!
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Comment by Lisa ( Marielee) on May 17, 2012 at 1:41am
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Greenash, you are right suicide is so hard. My husband committed suicide 22 months ago. I hold onto the fact I know he loved me and our boys. He left letters for all of us telling us that but he also showed in in the 27 years I had with him. All I know is he must have been in such a dark place and unable to climb out for him to do what he did. So sorry my friend- I share your pain.If you need to talk just message me Blessings- Lisa
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Comment by greenash514 on May 16, 2012 at 8:44am
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Thank you all! I appreciate the words so much! I do feel much better when I can get it all out. I do occasionaly but doing this blog helps me feel better. I am glad I found you all! And glad to know I am not crazy! I love the signs I get and the sense that he is here. Makes me feel warm inside!
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Comment by smit09 on May 15, 2012 at 10:32pm -
*your little signs made me smile. I love getting those little signs.
Perfect tattoo idea, ...maybe you could post a pic some day?
*your ending made me cry. I remember when my best friend/cousin committed suicide (13 yrs ago)... and to lose a spouse this way! (hugs)
you can always vent here, it's a safe place, nonjudgemental---plus it feel so good to get it out, like therapy.
peace and healing
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Comment by Joyce on May 15, 2012 at 10:13pm -
Hugs Greenash, I've had a couple of signs too and they are very comforting. I agree with what everyone else said, If his death wasn't accidental it was not because of you, he loved you, it is very apparent in how you tell your story.
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Comment by celestia (Suzanne) on May 15, 2012 at 9:10pm -
I agree with the other ladies. It's not your fault and it's so sad that he didn't ask for help. You have every right to the anger you feel. It sounds like you were really left in a tight spot, from a practical standpoint not even counting the tragic emotional hell of it all. I also can empathize with him. I've been to darkness, but fortunately got help and found my way back.
My guy annoyed me at first too. Weird how that is so often the case. I thought my guy was a straight up a-hole before I actually met him and talked to him. But he had me at that first conversation we had.
You take good care of you and yours.
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Comment by kimkirt (KK) on May 15, 2012 at 2:50pm -
I agree exactly with what Carolynne said. Hugs to you, and yes, I've gotten signs and they are comforting. I do believe they are there to help us along this journey.
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Comment by greenash514 on May 15, 2012 at 1:56pm
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Thank you! I do think that at times, I think the little things he did, and kept that I had no idea. Those make me feel like he loved me. But it is still so hard. I just don't understand suicide. It is pointless, because in the end you hurt way too many undeserving people.
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