I haven't written here in quite a while. I have been dealing with the loss of my husband through the waves that hit me sometimes with knowing and sometimes without. It's a struggle day to day to move on and realize that my life does have meaning. Now my worst are the fears and anxiety that builds in me. I am so lonely for companionship. I know to some, this is wrong, but I can't help it. I want and need to feel alive again. The loneliness kills me deeply. I went on dating apps just to talk and met some good men and was up front about my emotional state. Only one in particular caught my attention and heart. But, I think I pushed him away and now I feel I have made myself go backwards in time. This grieving is so painful. I miss my husband dearly and sometimes I just want to go kick his butt for leaving me so early in life. Some days, I wish God would take me after my teenage boys are settled in life as adults, but I know this is not a reality or something I should be thinking. Life is just so hard sometimes.