I am still feeling blue, spring is here but it is not warm yet, the rain still comes and goes, it will be one of the wetter Spring's on record. I just get out for a while in the garden and down the rain comes again. I will never even get the spring plants planted if this continues. It is too soggy for the plants, shrubs etc growing in the pots, some I have tipped over sideways so they will drain. I hope it clears up soon. I have been tackling the back corner of my garden and it does look better, my daughter said so today. It used to be plants with all different colored leaves, easy to care for but lately had looked a mess.
I've just had a day out with my daughter, it is rare that we get time together and I loved it. I wish she lived closer so we could have time together but as a busy Salvation Army officer who lives over four hours drive away it is not likely to happen and when I visit her it is good but the whole family is there and there is little time to speak privately. We went to a lunch for officers and parents, sat with some other people from my area and had a good chat. Good food, good company, a good day out to lift my spirits.
The last one of these lunches I went to was two years ago, seven days before Ray died. Today a couple of people came and asked me how I was, was I still in my own home etc. It is common for people to move on after a couple of years living alone. I know some people expect that I will do so too. I can understand that as it is lonely and difficult for older women to manage a home built to house a family but I will hang on here for a while yet. It is full of familiar items, rugs, photos, pictures on the wall, in some ways I feel as if Ray is still here with me. I wonder if that stops me from moving on?
I have been busy. When I decided that busyness was the way to go, that it blocked out the negative thoughts and made it easier to sleep at might I knew that it would also limit the opportunities of meeting new people. As I said on one of the forums: I am not looking for another love as part of my grand plan, I am looking for companionship and I am afraid that means meeting someone local for me. I have plenty to do so it doesn't have to be now or even soon. I would just like to think there is someone out there for me with a warm smile and some similar interests who will like being around me and be company.
I was discussing that with an older widowed friend and she said after two years she started going out with a man friend but the combined problems of the two households were too much for them both and the friendship ended and since then she has been alone for the past ten years. Just recently she has become a volunteer for a day care centre and suddenly has a heap of older friends and she now joins them for coffee or an occasional outing and suggested I find somewhere local where I could do that.
I know I need some companionship in my life but am no way ready to make any sort of commitment so think I will just take life day by day and see what turns up. I hate the thought of living alone but know we all bring different aspects of our life to a relationship and that is good and bad. It seems so much harder to meet people now in person, the old ways, social clubs, church, sporting clubs etc don't seem to function as getting together places for older folk as they used to.
Being alone can be both a joy and a curse. A joy because I only have myself to please, a curse because with that freedom comes loneliness. I say roll on summer with it's longer days and shorter nights, then there is less time to be lonely.