Mad as a hornet tonight. Just one of those days when the world conspires again me as a widow. Nothing special just a whole lot of different people saying : "when we have the family over..." or "my husband and I always" or just making a few disparaging remarks about their husbands wno they have left at home mowing the lawns etc. I want my husband back, I want to be part of a couple, I want to be able to say "my husband a nd I" or "guess what he did?" I want to not feel left out of the conversation. I know I should be "over it" by now and I am but the holiday season, summer, Christmas, that family time of the year is all impacting on me and shaking my new found security and I hate it, I really do.
I went to my Lions Club meeting tonight and we had a debate on whether or not at our next meeting which is our Christmas meeting we would bring in $5 gifts for the ladies. This, in the past, used to be a thank you gift for the extras the ladies/wives/partners who were not members did. Then the Lions Clubs accepted women into the Club, some of them single, and all of the ladies got a gift so no-one felt left out. Now one of the single ladies wants this practice stopped so the men with partners are to bring in gifts and their ladies will receive a gift. I must have looked sad because the man opposite asked me if I was okay. Well hell no! I used to be a Lions Lady, then I became a Lion to chauffeur my late husband Ray to Lions dinners. So I was still a Lions Partner and now I am a woman without a partner so no gift, no partner to accompany me and I feel like someone stole something from me. Hell's bells I could have run SCREAMING from the room!
So, circling the Black Hole again. I am not usually like this, I am a warm bubbly person and I soon recover from any slight and tomorrow I will say "Oh well" and go on with life but that is not how I feel right now. Right now I feel cheated, right now I feel sad, right now I feel mad.
Apart from that life is busy, too many things to do and I find myself rushing from one place to another and not finding enough time to relax and unwind. Which probably explains the mood I am in. Who do you find to unload your angst on? I really have no-one right now to do that with. A couple of good friends seem embroiled in their own family squabbles and I don't want to burden them further. I have a lot of friends who are older and of course we are all going through the stage of having relatives who are sick or dying or just out of focus in some way and I don't want to burden them further and so... basically no-one to tell. So I am venting here, where at least some of you are going through the same feeling of being left out.
Yes, I am having a pity party, Yes, I will be over it soon. Tomorrow it is back to visiting in the nursing homes, so I will buy some small baskets and fill them with sweet treats, just something to take in to show we care. Who is the WE that care? Well basically it is me, the representative of the church who visits the old ladies. I wish I could say it is a lot of people but it would not be the truth. Old ladies in nursing homes are easy to forget. Occasionally someone will ask me about one of them as they are all past church members but it is rare. We all have complicated lives and in our busyness forget those who have helped us in the past or worked alongside us in the various organisations. In a nursing home you tend to be "out of sight, out of mind." Sad, but true. The exceptions are those people who do have loving families who come regularly to see them, tend them and still look after them.
Maybe I am looking at my own lonely future. Those who have families including grandkids, some also have them close by or visiting on a regular basis. I love my kids and would do anything for them but they are busy raising their own kids and just occasionally think of their Mum, who lives alone, and contacts me. I used to ring my parents on Friday nights when we lived a long way from them. I would tell them all my triumphs and all my woes, give them news of their grandchildren and of my husband Ray. I also sent letters to a lot of Ray's family as he was the one with the brothers and sisters and cousins and I tried to keep in touch with all if possible. Of course that is not the way we do things in this day and age. I still send out a lot of Christmas cards with a newsy letter, harder now that the children and grandchildren's lives so busy as I don't really know what they are doing right now. So maybe that is adding to my feeling of isolation,that I don't feel as if I am being kept in the loop.
Of course there is also the controversy about whether we say "Happy Holidays" or "Merry Christmas". Right now I just want to say: "Bah Humbug!"