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Makign curtains
In March of 2011 I moved into a new studio apartment. I had given away 80% of my worldly belongings, gone through Jon's things and donated most of them, and given up my large home in the suburbs. I went from 1432 square feet to 400 square feet. My new studio was on the main shopping street of a good sized city on an island in the San Francisco Bay. I moved over Starbucks. I have a movie theater a half a block away and a bookstore the same distance in the other direction. I have 30 restaurants withing walking distance of my front door.
The building was built in 1890 with a major remodel in 1938. It's funky, Art Deco and fabulous. I have to keep old-fashioned fuses on hand because if I turn the microwave on while the TV is on and then the refrigerator cycles on, I blow a fuse. The kitchen has a built in booth and a 24" wide stove. I LOVE IT! My view is of my bank across the parking lot.
I moved my things in and sort of arranged the furniture. I rearranged it all after 6 months when I finally bought a screen to divide the bed space from the living space. I kept all my artwork and have hung it to delineate spaces in the main room. It's become very cozy except I just had mini blinds on the windows in the living room and nothing on the kitchen window. The kitchen window looks out into a ventilation shaft, and while I kind of like the galvanized steel lined shaft, there is really no view. The living room looks out over a rather barren rooftop with my bank across the parking lot. Not really much of a view either. And I didn't make curtains. I thought about it many times. I had the perfect fabric in my closet for the kitchen window; I just needed to buy two tension rods. I measured for the rods as soon as I moved in and finally bought them 11 months later. It had been so long I had to remeasure. It only took an evening to finish making the curtains and hang them. They added such hominess and comfort to the kitchen.
The living room was another story. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do. I thought I wanted a cool retro 40s fabric to go with the style of the architecture BUT that would have been a busy pattern and would trigger my ADD. I knew how I wanted them to hang, I knew the texture of the fabric I wanted, I knew I was limited in color choices because of all the artwork in the space. After MONTHS of consideration, I chose a soft dove gray raw silk noil. I finally bought the fabric 15 months after moving, even though the bare rods had been there waiting since I moved in. It took me two evenings to measure, cut and sew. I got them hung and every wrinkle steamed out and started to sob. This really was my life now. I made the curtains and admitted that I could not go back to "before", back to when Jon and I had a life together. This was why it took me so long to make curtains. I wasn't ready to let go of the dream that Jon was just away for awhile and he would be back soon. They day I hung the curtains was the day my new life really began, the day I began to accept it was just me now, the day my hope changed from Jon coming back to a future for the new me. It was two years after Jon died and I was just starting to face my new reality. Because of curtains.
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Comment by celestia (Suzanne) on September 16, 2012 at 10:40pm -
In a lot of ways I think the 2nd year is worse than the 1st. Just from what I've been through and the stories I've heard. While we are all on our own journey there are so many milestones that it seems we share. I think the 3rd year is one of those milestones. I think the 1st year is just numbness and shock. The 2nd year sucks worse because the pain is all THERE all THE TIME. By the time we get into the 3rd year, in many ways, we begin to see the strength(s) that are born of all that pain. All that suffering. Good stuff like hope starts to come back. We start to feel good feelings in relation to who we are becoming. Including the spaces in which we become these new men and women. Warriors.
This made me feel good to read and while it's very poignant and even bitter sweet, it just sings with hope of the person, the woman, you are becoming.
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Comment by lovie on September 15, 2012 at 10:32pm -
My husband and I bought a brand new Suburban when we retired a couple of years before he passed away. We enjoyed the space it gave us to travel comfortably and haul things to Texas where two of our children were living at that time. I am planning to trade it in soon and purchase something smaller. I think that car will be the "curtains" that will signify my new life beginning. Maybe that is why I keep putting it off as I have been looking at possible vehicles to buy for almost a year now! I hope your new reality brings you much joy, Susan!!
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Comment by Lori on September 15, 2012 at 8:44pm -
I was thinking about making new curtains when I came home from the burial service. I wanted more light in my life. Haven't been able to make the change yet to overwhelmed. Thanks for the reminder my husbands birthday is next month it will be 2 months sense he past the day before his birthday. I think I might just make new curtains this year to honor him and let the light in.
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Comment by Dianne in Nevada on September 15, 2012 at 6:35pm -
I appreciate you sharing this, Susan. My "curtains" was the wheelchair van I bought in 2006 to get my husband to doctor and chemo and dialysis appointments. He died 2 years ago next Saturday ... and that van has sat in my driveway ever since that last drive to the ER. I knew I needed to get rid of it. I knew that someone else needed it and would be grateful to have it. But I just could not do a thing with it. It represented all that we went through during those 4.5 years. So it sat there all this time.
I just returned from switching the title at the DMV to a new friend who is buying the van for her mother who has MS. The van is no longer sitting in the driveway. A new reality - yes, it sure is.
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Comment by Cristina on September 15, 2012 at 4:41pm -
You're awesome. Thanks so much for sharing this milestone with us. Big, big hug.
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Comment by honeys(puddin) on September 15, 2012 at 4:11pm
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Thanks for sharing this. It gives us newer ones a hope that there will indeed be a new reality. I am 18 weeks out:(
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