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My bright and cheery day of pink and red has turned to blue

Today is Valentines Day, and also our Anniversary. What used to be my favorite day of the year, has now become the hardest day to face. What was the night I couldn't wait for, is now what I cant wait to get past. When I should be stopping on the way home to get a celebration bottle of wine to chill, now Im stopping at a fast food place to grab a burger on the way to visit my wife at the cemetery. Today I should be the happiest man on Earth, now I cry and long for what I once had. Tonight I should be making love to my wife, instead I will be watching tv trying to escape this reality that is now my life. I should be telling her how much I appreciate and love her, now I will be asking her to somehow comeback. Sometimes I feel like Im going crazy when I ask for such things. I know it is not possible, but still I ask. That's what Ive become, someone wanting to believe in the impossible. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have gotten married on Valentines Day, it makes it more difficult. Especially with tv and radio commercials every 3 minutes reminding me that its coming. So now, I drive around cussing at the radio. More crazy! But I am grateful that for the 13 years we were married, and the 18 years we were together, I had someone special to be my Valentine. She will always be My Love, My Valentine! I have a lot of wonderful memories with her, that's what makes it hurt! To all the widows and widowers, hugs, and Happy Valentines Day. To my wife Debbie, I Love You, and miss you so much! You will always be my Valentine!!!

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Comment by JPSwifeCathy on February 19, 2014 at 1:53pm

prayin for ya Jake

Comment by Clearwater Widower on February 19, 2014 at 12:01pm

I can't image if Valentines Day were my anniversary too, it's hard enough as it is.  It's so commercialized that you just can't escape it.  This was my fourth Valentine's Day without Dawn Marie, she passed in January of 2011.  Hang in there Jake, it does get better with time.

Glenn

Comment by my roses on February 16, 2014 at 1:28am

My roses

Yes I feel the same, crazy though it seems.  Jake you have every right to say all this, because it is so

frustrating as well, to feel so much love and  your lover is not there.  One just cannot  really explain the feelings, the sheer persistence of the longing and yearning for our beloved.  It just takes all one's energy, all one's thoughts on occasion - particularly when it is an anniversary or special day like Valentine's.  I have been reading some of  the Valentine's cards Wes sent me  and they are so beautiful, so much loved poured out... and here one is sort of ' frozen',  there is no life , no two-way  events happening.  Just an emptiness.

I agree the wonderful memories are heartbreaking sometimes, most of all the simple things, the way they looked at you showing the love in their eyes.  The time when one could ask for a hug and get one immediately, no matter what they were doing at the time.   I grieve for so many things, the list of "grieves' can actually grow longer.   I thinking nothing can help us... unless we find some measure of love again, while keeping our beloved still in our hearts.

Comment by Barbie Doll on February 15, 2014 at 6:09pm

I agree, your Debbie was so beautiful.  I'm so sorry for you and for all of us that we have to go through this misery.  It really is unfair.  I can only hope that your pain lessens as time passes.  (((HUGS)))

Comment by eliana on February 14, 2014 at 4:08pm

I read your blog post because of the profile picture of the two of you-- it just caught my eye.  What a lovely woman your Debbie was, and what a beautiful couple you made.

My heart just hurts for you.  I wish there were magic words to help you get through this day.  I hope it brings you some measure of comfort to be able to share your feelings with those who are also on this journey of grief.  I wish you whatever you need at the moment you need it.  Please be gentle with yourself, and take good care.

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