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My text message from my M-I-L
So, I've never had the perfect MIL/DIL relationship. Even when B and I were boy/girl friend in jr high, they didn't know my nationality.
Our marriage wasn't perfect. We both made mistakes. However, in the end...we fell in love all over again. Butterflies in the stomach and all. We never went to bed angry. We always kissed goodnight and said I love you to one another. No one will ever know the conversations we had prior to his death. Those were our moments and our moments alone. Even if I tried to tell her (my MIL) she wouldn't believe me. It's ok. I accept that, but when you call me a liar remember that you are also calling YOUR GRAND DAUGHTER a liar too.
My husband was engaged to someone at the age of 18. She was caught cheating the night of their rehearsal dinner. He left and she went on to marry the guy she cheated with. Why now (we were married 19 years) are you proclaiming your everlasting love for my husband and posting pictures of your time with him all over facebook? Why have you befriended my SIL, where I have to see your comments, pictures, etc.?
After much thought and prayer I unfriended my SIL, but not before telling her why. The next day I got the message below from my MIL via text.
Rebecca..while i love receiving pictures of Aria...shes my grand daughter..i helped raise her..i love her and i always will..i prefer to communicate with her ...theres no need for our communication...you pretend to the ( ) that you care about them and want in all their business but that is not the rebecca we know...you never appologized for disrespecting me...thats fine i didnt thnk you would..there was an oppurtunity for a solid relationship but you blew it..I didnt do anything on purpose to hurt you..You robbed me and aria of our time on mothers day...You tried to turn her against ( ) and me...So thats that...you hold onto things you shouldnt..Theres so much more..But.. whats the point..go your way rebecca..Just not in my family..Or my life..U took the name ( ) It was never given to you...U remain rebecca b( ) to me... you are blessed to have your daughter..hope you appreciate Benny for that..she is truly his sunshine .soon she can come see her granparents when she wants
Oh, by the way...I didn't apologize for being hurt over the fact that you all ordered & placed MY HUSBAND's (and the FATHER OF OUR DAUGHTER) headstone without our input and/or knowledge. I was going to take care of that, remember? You even called to make sure I would include YOU in my decision. I understand he was your son/brother, but he also had a wife and a child. My walking away that day had to do with respecting you enough not to go off and say hurtful things that I would regret and couldn't take back later.
So, when you don't see/hear from your grandchild know that you have only yourself to blame. I didn't turn her against you...you did that all on your own.
I wish you all Love and Peace. I pray that one day you will find the comfort and peace that you all so desperately search for with the loss of your son/brother. Perhaps had you loved him more and criticised him less for his decision to make his marriage/family work you would have had more time to love him and know that he was tired of being in pain (physically, mentally, emotionally).
Aria and I, although we miss him dearly, are at peace with our time with B.
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Comment
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Comment by Jerry on October 20, 2012 at 8:36am
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Well I didn't have a MIL when my wife passed away, but did have a BIL that turned out to be an asshole. He was of no help at all during his sisters illness. More of a hinderance when he came to visit in the hospital or at home. He proved his worthlessness when she passed away. He actually called my son to see if he could would order a floral piece for him to send to the funeral parlor. I told my son to tell him to do it himself,which he did.Otherwise my son would have been stuck trying to get his money for the flowers. For some reason my BIL found it necessary to bring his ex wife,her daughter from another man, and his ex mother in law to the funeral . They went to the the cemetery, and then they all came to the luncheon. We hadn't been in contact with her for twenty years.Shortly after his sister passed away he for some reason found he needed to tell me I was lucky that when his mother died she had left some money to my wife.this was about seven years prior,we used it to pay off our mortgage. He seemed annoyed that I had somehow profited due to his mothers and sisters deaths. He never asked about how much the hospital and doctors bills were for his sister. Needless to say he is now out of my and my families life.no,loss to any of us.
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Comment by chez2all on October 19, 2012 at 5:14pm -
So sorry you are going through this...grief is quite a polarizing experience and unfortunately our husband's mothers feel we're at least partly to blame and take it out on surviving spouses. (My 2nd MIL hasn't been that way thank goodness, but my 1st MIL had a terrible time after he died...often making excuses for not being at the hospice and rarely talking to me.)
Thinking of you and your daughter...just live your lives...it's the best thing you can do.
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Comment by judy on October 19, 2012 at 12:07pm
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Totally agree with you Carolynne! At the hospital - they would stay maybe 15 minutes . One time, I kept a journal of everything at the hospital, etc. and we left and I wasn't thinking and wanted to get my journal in his room, she goes "you can get it the next time we are here." Couldn't believe it! I let it go and wrote my thoughts and rewrote them. But what I will never forget, it when I got picked up on the horrible day and arrive at my sisterinlaws's home and I was crying and she goes "STOP THAT, YOU WILL MAKE US FEEL BAD."
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Comment by carolynne on October 19, 2012 at 9:14am -
What a wretched woman. I have had issues with my MIL too, she is quite a nut job. She did the same thing, had Rod's headstone done without consulting me and I HATE IT. I console myself with the knowledge that he is not really there, it's just a rock. I would have done much more to commemorate the man I loved so much, but she was never much of a mother and I can't expect anything more from her than that. For now we keep peace but I don't know how long we will maintain it. I'm so sorry you and Aria are going through this. Keep your chin up. Benny loved you, hold onto that and ignore the ugliness. (hugs)
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Comment by bramky on October 18, 2012 at 8:13pm -
Our MIL's must be related!!! We were married 23+ years when my husband passed, and my MIL NEVER gave me the respect I deserved. He chose me, we had 2 wonderful boys, great life, happy marriage, nothing but love for each other. Never mind, I spent 3 months in the ICU, 24/7, taking time off work, to care for my husband, and my MIL didn't speak to me for 6 weeks (Yes, she would come in the room, to my husband, see him for less than 30 min every 3-4 days, then leave)??!!!! Why? Don't know, and don't care. When I was at my worst, got kicked down further, by the people who supposedly loved him. He knew what was going on, and apologized to me for what was happening, and told me, nobody should be going through what his family was doing to me. He would be so upset now, knowing his family doesn't take the time to reach out to see how his family is doing, especially when he MADE SURE he took care of all of his family in their time of need.
My MIL and some family members, have a hard time understanding the LOVE we had for each other. MIL is a widow also, and I would expect if anyone gets it, she would....WRONG!!
Life sucks, but my boys and I have each other to lean on, and that's all that matters.
Benny chose his LOVE, and obviously MIL has issues. (Mine certainly does!).
(hug)
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Why people can be so mean spiriting - I have no idea. Benny chose YOU. And he will always be looking out for you and loving you from afar. I had a text message from my SIL - when asking her about forgiveness she just put ' NO - and don't bother me again. How people can be so cruel is behond my thinking.
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Comment by Benny's wife on October 18, 2012 at 6:42pm
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Thanks Janet! I just needed to vent and what better place to do so than with my widowed family that can totally understand me and not judge.
Grief definately has a strange way of changing people.
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Comment by janet on October 18, 2012 at 6:34pm -
Wow Rebecca. I want to ask "How can some one be that mean spirited and hatefuly?" but I do know. I basically with through the same thing with my husband's youngest daughter. Sadly it is hers and you MIL/SIL's loss. Grief does have a strange way of changing people.
Just keep your chin out head held high. Benny will always be with you and is proud of you.
Wishing you Peace and Hope.
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