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Okay..so I'm finally starting to wear make-up again. This happened about three weeks ago. Paul's been gone for 5 months now, and i hadn't felt the need or the desire to wear makeup, or do my nails, or straighten my hair. i don't know why i decided one day to go ahead and put some base on, some mascara, etc. But oddly, when i got to the lipstick..i froze. In our culture, it's kind a "come hither" sort of makeup. So, I picked it up, then put it back down again. It felt wrong..harlett like somehow. I felt like I might be sending "messages" or something ...like i was "in the market" and i for sure didn't want to transmit that. Wierd right? Well, that's just the start. I had not really even filed my nails let alone paint them since Paul died. It was one of the things that he really liked when i did them. He always used to say, a woman's nails should look nice. So, i finally did fix them a couple of weeks ago, and even put nail polish on. With each stroke, I could hear his voice "that looks so nice baby", and it was comforting. I have yet to address the major hurdle for me. Which is my hair. Maybe, I don't need to, but i've been thinking about it a lot lately. My hair is naturally, umm..well frizzy at best..kinky at worst. So, my husband always liked it straightened. This is an arduous process that involves a flat iron..365 degrees of heat, and about 2.5 or 3 hours. I used to do it every weekend, and it would last 3 to 4 days. He loved it, and so did I. It's smooth and silky and feels good. Every weekend, I retreated to the bedroom for the hair straightening ritual, with Paul checking in on me, offering drinks and food, until the final strand, and the "reveal". I loved his reaction, his "you look great baby". and now..i miss that. I haven't straightened my hair since his funeral. I wanted to look my best and wanted to look as he liked. Don't get me wrong, he loved me anyway...frizzy hair and all..but he was honest enough to tell me he like it better straight. Just like I liked his upper lip to be smooth. And now..I feel so strange..about "fixing myself up". It's like..i want to look nice, but I don't want to do it to attract male attention..so i am conflicted. And I'm afraid of how i might feel...after the 2.5 hour ritual..without the affirmations of the man I loved so, so much. I remember how good it made me feel to have him look at me with that "wow" look. And I won't get that again. so, i barely wash and comb my hair..and tie it back just to keep it out of the way.
Isn't it strange? All these minor things, that now have so much importance attached to them? Nail Polish? Lipstick? Hiar Straightening? I had no idea how much the little things would come back to haunt me over and over again..absent my sweetheart. Widowhood continues to surprise me with it's unexpected surprises.