Nail Polish...Lipstick..and Widowhood

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Comment by Lisa (lost) Lamb on July 27, 2012 at 11:30pm

Ali it took me almost a year to put on makeup because I was just going to cry it off any how. You do what ever you need to just to get yourself through the day. and it's been 14 months for me and I kiss my husbands urn and tell him goodnight and good morning. I also talk to him when I feel the need about other things and it's always out loud. Anyone that truly knows me has seen me do this or have been told and no one has ever said one bad thing about it. Don't let your worries about what others may say stop you from doing what you feel. It's your grief and you have to go through it in your own way and your own time. (Hugs)

Comment by Rebirth.Tanya (Tanya) on July 27, 2012 at 9:34pm

You're so welcome Ali. And you are definitely not an oddball. I'm almost eleven YEARS out, very happily married, and still every once in a blue, I'll catch myself saying "my love" whenever Sergio crosses my mind- as if he were in the room. It just reaffirms that they are and will always be a part of our lives, and that our love never dies. So much of the joy I've had in my life since I lost Sergio can be connected to him, and to this day I get signs that I know are from him. At five months in I'm sure it's hard to imagine the heaviness of the grief you feel now being gone one day, but time and change will carry you through. Sending you a big hug and my prayers for comfort and strength- hope you have a peaceful weekend. Oh, and going back to the make-up/hair thing- as Billy Crystal's Saturday Night Live character Fernando used to always say, "sometimes it's better to look good, than to feel good..." ;)

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on July 27, 2012 at 7:29pm

Thanks Tanya.  I still talk to Paul all the time..and tell him things - out loud even and I say goodnight my love to his picture every night.(but i make sure no one can hear me or see me doing this because i'm sure that i might at the very least get some wierd looks, at worst..5150.  Am I an oddball for doing this? Not sure. Don't care. Sometimes I just need to.

Comment by Rebirth.Tanya (Tanya) on July 25, 2012 at 11:13pm

Love this post Ali. Echoing every one's sentiments there is certainty in knowing that widowhood is full of surprises. I remember at around the five-six month mark yearning for some change and one of the only things I felt I could control was the color of my hair- so I went from my naturally dark brown to JLo-esque honey blonde highlights. I always joke that a study should be done to see how many widows do drastic hairstyle changes in the aftermath- it's such an outward expression of the inner changes that take place in grief- you feel like you're no longer who you thought you were so why not change the outer to reflect that? I totally get the conflicting feelings about looking nice when your beloved isn't there to appreciate it- for those of you struggling with this, this quote might be helpful:

“I will not fail you, my love. I will continue on the path we shared and I know you will be there to help me, as you always were. And when we meet again at the journeys end, and we laugh together once more, I will have a thousand things to tell you.” -Unknown

Hugs,
Tanya <3

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on July 25, 2012 at 8:15pm

thanks ladies...i knew you would understand.  it helps to know i'm not the only one thinking about these things.

Comment by chez2all on July 25, 2012 at 5:55am

Hi Ali, thanks for this post...and I agree...widowhood continues to surprise.  Just when you feel you've got a handle on the whole thing something simple sends us right back to day one!  Thankfully these moments become briefer over time but they are still there...my first husband's memories still trigger those moments 11.5 years later...and sometimes I can smile about what he would have said.

Comment by Sunflower37 on July 25, 2012 at 1:44am

 Hi Ali, I was taken by surprise as well... I didn't always wear makeup so that's not any different now.

Sometime during early part of 2011 my Sweetie told me, "I like your hair long, like when I meant you. You should grow it out" So of course, I told him I would grow it out, although I preferred to keep it short. Well now... I haven't had "heart" to cut it, so it's back to the length (middle of my back) of when I first met my Sweetie... but he is not here to see it (he passed May 01, 2011). He also loved it when I curled my hair, back then, I would curl the sides and ends,  but he liked when it was all curled. I have thick layered hair, so it would at least 45mins... I didn't always have the patience...now I wish I would of curled it for him more often.  Strangely enough....I curled my hair for the 1st time since my Sweetie died, two weekends ago. It was strange to not have him compliment me and I missed what he would always tell me (not appropriate here)... So after that I just put it up in a ponytail.

Last couple of weeks, I have been debating about cutting my hair back to the length I like...just below my shoulders layered. Well see what happens....just doesn't seem to matter either way since my Sweetie is not here. My current hairstyle is a braid or ponytail...boring, but I don't really care right now.

Oh yes...I do at least curl my eyelashes and lip gloss.

Thank you for sharing. Hugs to you.

Comment by bad ass widow on July 24, 2012 at 9:46pm

Ali, I think you should do what makes you feel good.  I do get my nails and toes done, it makes me feel pampered and we all deserve that.   I am trying to grow my hair out just because I want a change and I dont entirely trust my daughter to cut it yet.  LOL  As far as lipstick I never really wore it, it never looked right on me, but I can remember my Mom would not leave the house without it.  Go ahead and pamper yourself a little.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

(((hugs)))

Comment by Marsha on July 24, 2012 at 2:06pm

Still do my hair and nails as always. Have wondered why though. Then someone unexpectedly will comment or compliment me. Well...maybe not unexpectedly. I've finally realized my husband is using whatever resources he can to let me know he approves.

Comment by honeys(puddin) on July 24, 2012 at 11:25am

I have to do my face daily due to being an in home childcare provider.  I don't think the parents would want to leave their child with me if I actually looked like I feel.  No make up on weekends.  Nails get a touch of polish every once in a while.  Hair, well that's a whole 'nother issue.  I also have frizzy/wavy/curly hair.  I used to flat iron it and he liked it either way.  For my sons wedding I actually had it colored and I think Honey would have loved it.  My biggest issue that I'm feeling is the wearing of shorts.  I never did because I have chicken legs and I always wanted to maintain some sort of decent appearance for my honey.  Not for anyone else but my Honey.  I didn't want to embarrass him.  I wore jeans all the time.  Since he died 10 weeks ago I am living in shorts.  I don't care how I look to anyone else.  Chicken legs, frizzy hair, no make up, chipped polish, no lipstick.  Yup that's the "new me".  There is no one to do my hair for, put make up on for, show my new polish to, buy a new blouse for, shave my legs for, wash the sheets for, or even take a shower for sometimes.  I don't care what people see.  Maybe one day I will.  I can't see that day from here;/

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