Today is Chris's birthday. It was so different then how it should have been. There was no cake, there was no date night, card or presents. The Tigers game was on the radio in the car, i turned that immediately off knowing it would have been on if Chris was still here. I feel guilt that none of this is the same, but i know I can not live as though he is still here. All of this, living without him is so unbelievably hard. The loneliness and the pain of him not being here is comparable, as i have imagined, to enduring fire burns all over your body. You feel it all over, everyday. Sometimes its painful and sometimes its just numbing. You want to have a new normal and a new way of seeing things and feel things, but all you get is either a painful realization that nothing will ever be the same or that as much as try to feel with new hands, you don't want things to change, you don't want to feel things differently. Feeling things differently would mean throwing away and forgetting everything you experienced before you got burned right? Maybe not right away but unintentionally i will forget what it felt like to touch the things around me with my old skin. Starting over with new skin. New skin, new life, new everything. Not new surroundings and new things to touch but a new way to touch and respond and feel. Like having an entirely new body.
Im reading this book right now called, "Learning to walk in the dark" and this is literally what I am doing right now. I don't know how to do this but I am learning slowly. I am trying to walk in the dark with new skin.