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I am new to this site and was directed here by an acquaintance that told me it may do me some good to read some of the stories and experiences others have gone through. I've only been a widow for about 4 months after a 32 year marriage. My wife was diagnosed with cancer 3 1/2 years ago, and after 3 years of being her sole caretaker at home, she passed away in my arms. I feel as if I died that day to, and each day does not get any better. My friends feel as if I need to move on, all of my family in Indiana think I need to move back there. I met my wife in Philadelphia, and we lived here for 27 years because of her family. It was my choice to stay here for her. I would have done anything to make her happy. We both have connecting plots in the cemetery, and I feel if I would move, I would be deserting her, unable to visit her as I do now, and would lose that connection. I am unsure if that is wrong. 32 years is a lot of time to erase, forget, and ignore.

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Comment by North54 on May 9, 2016 at 4:23pm

I am not sure if the time frame for deciding on whether to take the job has passed but if it hasn't then my advice would be go.  If you had been the one to have gone first and it was your wife tormented with this decision what would you have told her.  I can almost say with 100% certainty you would have said go sweetheart and try to find as much happiness as you can.  As a person who is almost 6 years into this grief journey, what I can tell you is that time changes how we feel and think. It is a big decision but if your support system is in Indiana and it is a place you love and miss then to me there is no question you should take this opportunity that might not come again.  You are not deserting or betraying your wife by moving.  In fact you are honoring her because she would want you to do everything within your power to find some happiness again. 

Comment by BESTBUDS1 [Norman} on April 6, 2016 at 7:03am

jayb1957, Many decisions to make , this i know, but for me , any decision that is not life threatening can wait. Yes business must be taken care of but Grieving is 1st and foremost in my opinion....You are not deserting her, she will always be with you in heart and memories, that will never change. It is normal to feel what you are feeling , it is called Love..... We grieve deeply when we lose a spouse. and simple decisions become complex ones, not that your decisions are simple by any means. For me i would stay put and let time and healing happen and if that job was meant  to be , it will happen in its own time and at your choosing.. Be Blessed ..

Comment by jayb1957 on April 5, 2016 at 7:58pm

Thanks for corresponding BESTBUDS, and I like your suggestions. I am struggling to decide in what to do for I have a job that allows you to transfer State to Sate. My wife was from Philadelphia, where I moved and stayed, and I am from Indiana, which I love and miss so much. I have a chance to relocate back to Indiana but I feel as if I would be deserting my wife or betraying her by moving. We have adjoining plots, and I would ensure I was brought back if I should be called, home, but still, I feel I am deserting her. I have to decide soon, or I lose the spot. What would you do? She gave me 32 years of her life, and she isn't asking much from me, is she, by staying and watching over her? Maybe I'm not seeing it in the right light, but it's how I think. Please give me your insight to this predicament. I really appreciate it.  Jay

Comment by BESTBUDS1 [Norman} on April 5, 2016 at 8:39am

Jay , i am so very sorry for your loss as well as all of ours. I do know that the depth and the grief from that love is what brought us all here, that somehow we may all get through it together.. I lost my wife in dec of 2013 with brain tumor.. I do know the hurt and confusion you feel as i did at 4 months also...Take it slow, others who haven't walked this path have no clue.. Some liken it to divorce, throat punch them for me.. Some say move on, bop them in head. No seriously, hands on would never accomplish anything, just know they know not what they do... Give yourself time to grieve, in your own way we can offer suggestions but each of us are different and is our own journey...For me personally was told to make no major decisions for at least a year.. I listened , and now at almost 3 still haven't decided which direction to travel, to stay , or move away.. No hurry , yet time marches on, but we make our own choices in this journey for sure.. Most here have had same feelings and unanswered questions. But for me now i can remember the sweet memories instead of flashbacks of her illness .. Sending all of  us healing thoughts......

Comment by jayb1957 on April 1, 2016 at 8:05am

Thanks for your response Ren. Some people just don't know how to respond to friends when they are hurting, and some remarks just come out wrong. I want to believe they just don't like to see me so down for what they consider a long time, and are trying to push me forward. But as you said, they just haven't faced the lose yet. They ask me to go out to the club scenes with them, parties, and Atlantic City trips, and I am just not ready yet. I know it could maybe help for awhile, but I feel I could maybe be bad company for them, and I wouldn't want to do that to them.  Maybe in time, but not yet. I am just taking my time on everything, and doing what my heart feels is right. My wife gave me the best 32 years of her life, where I feel she could have done a lot better, and had a lot better life given her. The least I can do for her is stick around, visit her, and care for her resting place until I get called home also.

Comment by jayb1957 on March 31, 2016 at 8:43pm

I understand exactly what you are saying. Mt wife was not only my best friend, she was my life. I always thought I would be the first to go, so that's how I had everything arranged. My whole insides, it felt like my soul, was ripped from me when she left me in my arms. God could not have been more loving than to allow that, but that hasn't helped me recover. I hate my life right now as well. I hate waking up, going to work, and especially coming home .I look at my wife's pictures, find myself talking to her, and asking why she had to go first. I have thought of following her a few times, but then thought God would punish me, and I wouldn't join her anyway. But I know I need to find a better way of dealing with this. When I was in my 20's and having such a fun life, I never, ever,  believed that I would find a relationship where I would find a woman that I could love so deeply and care for so much as I did my wife. they always said that there is one out there for each person. Well, I believe God directed me to mine, but then cut it so very short. I do thank him for the 32 years he did give me though.

Comment by KayeL on March 31, 2016 at 8:09pm

I am 36, my wonderful husband, aged 40, who passed away with cancer just about three months ago. I can't agree more about I died the day he passed. He took my soul, my dream, my happiness away. I am pretty much a living dead every day now. We have had a wonderful relationship since college 15 years ago. There are days I just want to die with him, but suicide is not an option obviously.He would do anything to make me happy. I miss having my robust, healthy and cheerful husband. He was so young and I just can't comprehend what is going on. We have so many dreams and plans together. He promised to grow old and to take care of me. I hate this life. I have never hated my life but I certainly do now. I'm sorry for your loss. I could tell you do love your wife a lot. 

Comment by Ren on March 31, 2016 at 3:33pm

I'm sorry that your friends as so insensitive.  Really, move on after 4 months?  Let them lose the love of their life and see about "moving on."  It's been four months for me too and If one of my friends said that, I might need to distance myself from them for a bit.  Do what you feel is right for you.  If leaving where you are right now doesn't feel right, wait on it.  If my husband was in a cemetery, I would probably feel the same way.    

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