This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Nobody loves me. I don't mean nobody cares about me, I am sure my family does and maybe a few special friends but nobody LOVES me. I am not the centre of anyone's world. I am not needed by someone, I am not someone's main concern. I know it doesn't make sense that I am crying for that reason but I am. I am crying because I see couples all the time sitting together, shopping together, talking together and I am envious. I want to be part of that kind of world. I don't want to be part of that couple, I want the old team back together again.

It is mid-winter, it is dull, it is cold, it is raining. I went out this morning to have the four monthly blood test, went to the usual place for coffee but my widow friends were not there, after all it is the cold and flu season.  I shopped because I get low on the foods I Iike to prepare, then came home to the empty house. And it hit me  again - this is it, me here, everyone else out there. I have that lonesome blues feeling. I don't feel like that in summer as everyone is out and about and there is plenty of noise and the sounds of children playing but on a day like today when everyone is indoors and the street is quiet my heart aches with loneliness.

So I put on music and that made me feel worse not better. Because the music I put on was dance music and that reminded me of Ray and Ray is not here. He hasn't been here since June 2011  when he went into the nursing home. I think some of these thoughts are running through my head because I went to a funeral yesterday and  the lady was in the same nursing home as Ray. There were a couple of staff members at the funeral so Ray being there was discussed and I was reminded of his dying days and some of the grief of those times came to mind  and the waves  washed over me again. How does that happen after all this time? It is like normal is just a thin skin over a dark pit of sorrow and some reminder can slice through it and there I am again.

Hopefully tomorrow will be fine and sunny and my mind will be on other matters. I can only stand one emotional day at a time. I know we widows and widowers are more vulnerable in winter so this is to be expected but somehow I am always taken by surprise at the suddeness of the emotional hit. It is not a feeling I like now. I want to be strong, independent, self-sufficient, not teary again. Unfortunately I was also going to my daughter's place this weekend but that has fallen through as her daughter is sick and has been home most of the week so that disappointment added to the "nobody loves me" feeling. Selfish of me to feel that way I know. Butnthat is how I feel, there is no denying it.

What to do?  I need to go to bed tonight, get up in the morning, get on with life. Remember that compared to many I am fortunate, to have a roof over my head, to have food on the table, to have some security. I am lucky to have reasonably good health for my age and many other advantages living in a country like Australia. Does that help? Not a lot.  My pain is my pain, be it physical or emotional. And yes, I need to get over it!  Living on my own is just a fact of life and I will go on putting a cheerful face on. Fake it till you make it has to be my reality. 

I can't say I like it but it is what it is.

Views: 244


You need to be a member of Widowed Village to add comments!

Join Widowed Village

Comment by chef (John) on November 16, 2018 at 7:35am

Hugs, Sue.

I agree with you 100%. Strange how things can affect us years after the initial shock.


Comment by Hopesmom on November 15, 2018 at 4:16pm

I feel like I could have written this. It's exactly how I feel.

Comment by only1sue on October 10, 2018 at 2:00am

There was someone who loved me, he just couldn't/ wouldn't/ didn't tell me until a few weeks out from his death. What a shame, by that stage time was running out for us.  This is a lesson to us all - tell the ones you love that you love them, they  need to know.

Comment by Tess on July 25, 2018 at 2:29am

I saw this comment by Dianne and it speaks so much to what I am feeling. I want someone that cannot live without me to land on my doorstep as well. I want life with a companion to be easy again. It is exhausting to think that partnering up would or could be possible. Just the thought of grooming someone to know my ins and outs, to provide full disclosure of my past, and for me to build up a tolerance for their idiosyncracies seems insurmountable.

It feels as though there are some loose timeframes of the face of grief and at nearly two years, I've stepped into the "is this all there is?" stage. I want more because I'm not old enough to feel that I can never have that partnership again. So, as only1sue says, though there are people that do love us, it is not the same.

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on July 24, 2018 at 9:17pm

I've been in this same place the last couple of days, Sue … and it's a very hot summer here in Las Vegas so I cannot blame the weather. I was ok with being alone for over 7 years since my Vern died and yet this year I am not. But I don't want to date. I just want to be needed. To be cherished. To be important to someone. I miss just sitting on the sofa with Vern watching some kind of sports thing on TV and me reading a book, his arm around me, my head on his shoulder. Just that easy, loving existence. I want some lovely man to just land on my doorstep and tell me he can't live without me. Magical. Fireworks. Yeah ... at 67 I know that is just not going to happen.  So yes, in the morning I will put my happy face back on and go to my regional group meeting and help others to find hope.  It's there. Really, I know that. And doing this actually does help me to get back on top of things. One more time. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone with how you're feeling and I think we'll both manage to get through it. One step at a time.

Comment by Morgana (Janet) on July 24, 2018 at 1:35pm

only1sue I so understand as it was 6.5 yrs for me in June. Maybe stop into chat when you are having a hard day and we can help to cheer you up a bit. You are loved by many in the widowed community here. Miss my Aussie friends stopping in to say hi and chatting with us. Sending you lots of (((Hugs))) my friend.

Comment by only1sue on June 30, 2018 at 4:41am

Riet, you are just starting your journey and there are so many "firsts" for you to go through. I am a long way into my journey alone yet little things can still make a big impact on me. I can understand that pain when family events like the graduation happen and he is not there with you to celebrate. My heart goes out to you and your children. They say the first two years are the hardest but every year is a struggle in some ways. But we are strong women and so we go on as best we can, somehow making it through each day. And we often have to help our family and friends to cope as well.

Comment by Jessica on June 28, 2018 at 1:44pm

You're not selfish, Sue. You deserve to still have your husband with you. Life is just cruel. It's hard on lots of people, and widows in particular. I hope tomorrow is better for you.

Comment by Tess on June 28, 2018 at 2:09am

Only1sue, I get it, as unfortunate as that fact is. Much of what we do at this phase of our lives is faking it. I hate the fact that we are required to put on the "I'm doing fine" face for others to put them at ease. It is those times alone as when listening to "our" music that ultimately serves as a bitter reminder of days past with our spouses. Or funerals. which are a hundred times harder now to attend. They all seem to remind us of our own losses.

Hang in there. Hugs to you.

© 2020   Created by Soaring Spirits.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service