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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Nobody loves me. I don't mean nobody cares about me, I am sure my family does and maybe a few special friends but nobody LOVES me. I am not the centre of anyone's world. I am not needed by someone, I am not someone's main concern. I know it doesn't make sense that I am crying for that reason but I am. I am crying because I see couples all the time sitting together, shopping together, talking together and I am envious. I want to be part of that kind of world. I don't want to be part of that couple, I want the old team back together again.

It is mid-winter, it is dull, it is cold, it is raining. I went out this morning to have the four monthly blood test, went to the usual place for coffee but my widow friends were not there, after all it is the cold and flu season.  I shopped because I get low on the foods I Iike to prepare, then came home to the empty house. And it hit me  again - this is it, me here, everyone else out there. I have that lonesome blues feeling. I don't feel like that in summer as everyone is out and about and there is plenty of noise and the sounds of children playing but on a day like today when everyone is indoors and the street is quiet my heart aches with loneliness.

So I put on music and that made me feel worse not better. Because the music I put on was dance music and that reminded me of Ray and Ray is not here. He hasn't been here since June 2011  when he went into the nursing home. I think some of these thoughts are running through my head because I went to a funeral yesterday and  the lady was in the same nursing home as Ray. There were a couple of staff members at the funeral so Ray being there was discussed and I was reminded of his dying days and some of the grief of those times came to mind  and the waves  washed over me again. How does that happen after all this time? It is like normal is just a thin skin over a dark pit of sorrow and some reminder can slice through it and there I am again.

Hopefully tomorrow will be fine and sunny and my mind will be on other matters. I can only stand one emotional day at a time. I know we widows and widowers are more vulnerable in winter so this is to be expected but somehow I am always taken by surprise at the suddeness of the emotional hit. It is not a feeling I like now. I want to be strong, independent, self-sufficient, not teary again. Unfortunately I was also going to my daughter's place this weekend but that has fallen through as her daughter is sick and has been home most of the week so that disappointment added to the "nobody loves me" feeling. Selfish of me to feel that way I know. Butnthat is how I feel, there is no denying it.

What to do?  I need to go to bed tonight, get up in the morning, get on with life. Remember that compared to many I am fortunate, to have a roof over my head, to have food on the table, to have some security. I am lucky to have reasonably good health for my age and many other advantages living in a country like Australia. Does that help? Not a lot.  My pain is my pain, be it physical or emotional. And yes, I need to get over it!  Living on my own is just a fact of life and I will go on putting a cheerful face on. Fake it till you make it has to be my reality. 

I can't say I like it but it is what it is.

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Comment by only1sue on June 30, 2018 at 4:41am

Riet, you are just starting your journey and there are so many "firsts" for you to go through. I am a long way into my journey alone yet little things can still make a big impact on me. I can understand that pain when family events like the graduation happen and he is not there with you to celebrate. My heart goes out to you and your children. They say the first two years are the hardest but every year is a struggle in some ways. But we are strong women and so we go on as best we can, somehow making it through each day. And we often have to help our family and friends to cope as well.

Comment by Jessica on June 28, 2018 at 1:44pm

You're not selfish, Sue. You deserve to still have your husband with you. Life is just cruel. It's hard on lots of people, and widows in particular. I hope tomorrow is better for you.

Comment by Tess on June 28, 2018 at 2:09am

Only1sue, I get it, as unfortunate as that fact is. Much of what we do at this phase of our lives is faking it. I hate the fact that we are required to put on the "I'm doing fine" face for others to put them at ease. It is those times alone as when listening to "our" music that ultimately serves as a bitter reminder of days past with our spouses. Or funerals. which are a hundred times harder now to attend. They all seem to remind us of our own losses.

Hang in there. Hugs to you.

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