Nobody loves me. I don't mean nobody cares about me, I am sure my family does and maybe a few special friends but nobody LOVES me. I am not the centre of anyone's world. I am not needed by someone, I am not someone's main concern. I know it doesn't make sense that I am crying for that reason but I am. I am crying because I see couples all the time sitting together, shopping together, talking together and I am envious. I want to be part of that kind of world. I don't want to be part of that couple, I want the old team back together again.
It is mid-winter, it is dull, it is cold, it is raining. I went out this morning to have the four monthly blood test, went to the usual place for coffee but my widow friends were not there, after all it is the cold and flu season. I shopped because I get low on the foods I Iike to prepare, then came home to the empty house. And it hit me again - this is it, me here, everyone else out there. I have that lonesome blues feeling. I don't feel like that in summer as everyone is out and about and there is plenty of noise and the sounds of children playing but on a day like today when everyone is indoors and the street is quiet my heart aches with loneliness.
So I put on music and that made me feel worse not better. Because the music I put on was dance music and that reminded me of Ray and Ray is not here. He hasn't been here since June 2011 when he went into the nursing home. I think some of these thoughts are running through my head because I went to a funeral yesterday and the lady was in the same nursing home as Ray. There were a couple of staff members at the funeral so Ray being there was discussed and I was reminded of his dying days and some of the grief of those times came to mind and the waves washed over me again. How does that happen after all this time? It is like normal is just a thin skin over a dark pit of sorrow and some reminder can slice through it and there I am again.
Hopefully tomorrow will be fine and sunny and my mind will be on other matters. I can only stand one emotional day at a time. I know we widows and widowers are more vulnerable in winter so this is to be expected but somehow I am always taken by surprise at the suddeness of the emotional hit. It is not a feeling I like now. I want to be strong, independent, self-sufficient, not teary again. Unfortunately I was also going to my daughter's place this weekend but that has fallen through as her daughter is sick and has been home most of the week so that disappointment added to the "nobody loves me" feeling. Selfish of me to feel that way I know. Butnthat is how I feel, there is no denying it.
What to do? I need to go to bed tonight, get up in the morning, get on with life. Remember that compared to many I am fortunate, to have a roof over my head, to have food on the table, to have some security. I am lucky to have reasonably good health for my age and many other advantages living in a country like Australia. Does that help? Not a lot. My pain is my pain, be it physical or emotional. And yes, I need to get over it! Living on my own is just a fact of life and I will go on putting a cheerful face on. Fake it till you make it has to be my reality.
I can't say I like it but it is what it is.